Sunday, April 20, 2008

In the words of the immortal Emmerson, "Tim Duncan sucks."

Well, I just need to jump into this blog. I've been mulling over how to start this blasted thing for so long, and waiting for just the right topic to write about, that it has been over a month, and still my little corner of the interwebs are barren, dull, and desolate. So, let me start with something I am passionate about.

Tim Duncan sucks, and the San Antonio Spurs can bite me.

There you have it, as eloquently as those damned Spurs deserve. They are a blight on the NBA and humanity in general. They are a foul plague, and the sooner that they are wiped from the face of the Earth, the better. Of course, this virulent hatred merits two questions. The first, why do I hate them so much? And secondly, just how much do I hate them? Well, the first question is easily answered. For the last few seasons, the Spurs have been the thorn in the side of my beloved Phoenix Suns, a team that has singlehandedly saved the NBA from becoming the "National Boring Association". They literally run an offense where they are encouraged to score within seven seconds. They barely worry about defense, and their offensive explosiveness is orchestrated by a maestro in Steve Nash, the first emo point guard in NBA history. Fall Out Boy plays in my head every time I see him drive or make a clutch 3 pointer.

The Spurs are the antithesis of the Suns. They are boring. They bore their opponents to death. They then use their unobtrusive and literally indistinguishable style to get away with cheap shots on defense (Bruce Bowen, I'm looking at you). And THEN, whenever a foul is called on them, they cry like Elliot Spitzer after his press conference announcing he would step down as governor. Their antics are painful to watch. I'm embarrassed for them every time I see the Duncan face. By his count, he has committed exactly three legit fouls during his entire NBA career. Oh, and by the way, they are the most successful pro franchise of the four majors in the last 10 years.

So, now that you know why I hate them (and for that matter, why you should to), but just how much do I hate them? Well, in order to judge this, let me give you a relative scale on my spectrum of hated franchises and teams, 10 being the worst, and 1 being relatively benign.

11. Duke Blue Devils - now, this is cheating a bit, but NO continuum can possibly contain my vitriolic spite towards these dastardly devils. They earned their place for being the impish upstarts to dethrone my beloved UNLV Rebels of '91, forever robbing them of their rightful place as one of the greatest teams of all time (although, let me shamelessly plug the '90 Rebels for thoroughly trouncing the Devils by 30 points in the title game, which STILL stands as an NCAA record). They had NO RIGHT to win that game. As one of my friends so eloquently stated it, if you played that game 100 times, UNLV would have won 95 of them. And yet, somehow, some way, they did it. And that kicked off years and years of dominance.

10. '90's Cowboys - They dogged my Niners in the early 90's, and were led by the coke sniffing Michael Irvin. Romo has sanitized them somewhat, but those memories die hard.

8. Colorado Avalanche - The nemesis of the Red Wings (my favorite NHL team) although this rivalry has diminished somewhat, and in the long run, the Wings have enjoyed much more long term success. You know this to be true, Dave Bateman.

7. Alien 3 - this one is a no brainer. How do you go from James Cameron's opus, his masterwork, back to one Alien on a planet of convicts that nobody cares about? If only (MAJOR SPOILER)

Ripley's faux death at the end of this movie, as she plunges towards lava giving birth to an Alien, were the death of this franchise.

6. The Grinch - Could someone please tell me how you take a book that could be read in 5 minutes, stretch it out to 2 hours, and make not ONE FRICKING LINE IN THE MOVIE RHYME????????? IT'S DR. FLIPPING SEUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Boris Karloff and Chuck Jones owned this movie with their 1966 greatness.

5. 2007 Patriots - 18-1. BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Anaheim Ducks - They got lucky, and hot, RIGHT at the appropriate time (when Hockey's name changes to "Goalie" for the post season) and upset my Wings in the first round. Back then, they were even the Mighty Ducks, which just added insult to injury. They also eliminated the Wings recently in the conference finals.

3. Utah Utes - As a BYU alum, I am required to dislike the Utes, although to their credit they gave my dad a doctorate, and when they are representing the conference, I have been known to (gasp) root for them.

2. Chicago Bulls - They narrowly edge out the Rockets of 1994, just because they beat the Suns when they had their best chance to win the title. Jordan couldn't have let his buddy Barkley get one? They also beat down the Jazz a couple of times, and the Jazz are okay in my book. Hard to see team after team that I liked fall to them.

1. Grizzly Bears - Stephen Colbert says they are a threat against our American way of life, and I will not be the one to contradict him.

And where do these Spurs rank? That's right, that skipped 9 is where, for at least the foreseeable future, Timmy and the Terribles will reside. I hope that this nearly over the hill bunch are done soon, so their lackluster and utterly forgettable "dominance" will become just a footnote in basketball history.

Wow, this was a super crusty first blog! Oh well, Spurs suck!!!

1 comment:

Brett and Kasia Gustaveson said...

Oh yeah, way to start things off with bang. I must add one truly hated team from the American pastime you forgot to mention: THE NEW YORK YANKEES.

They are second only to the Utes in my hate book. I love it when their "buy a championship" strategy fails to work for years at a time, as it has recently.

Welcome to the blogging world. I'm glad that I have entered into the house of Milo.