Another blog from a sore, lazy, American loser.

http://www.mcclatchydc.com/world/story/49891.html

This link, my friends, is a blog that exposes how disappointing we here in the U.S. have performed this Olympics. Basically, we here in the U.S. like to count our total number of medals, while everyone who wants to champion the cause of the benevolent host country points to how horribly we've performed in the Gold medal count. You know what though?

What gold medals has China won? Can you name me two other Olympic events that they have won medals in other than anything having to do with 12, oh, whoops, I mean 16 year old gymnasts? Times up! Don't feel bad, I couldn't either, so I decided to look up China's gold medal count to see how many of them are real medals, and how many are "fake". Not sure what I mean? You'll see.

Women's Wrestling
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige level: 2/5

Personally, this is probably a real sport, but women's wrestling is way too scary to comprehend. When I was an assistant wrestling coach, you know what terrified the JV's more than anything? Having to be the wrestler to fight the girl. We can have women's wrestling, but we're really getting rid of women's softball? Hmmmmmm...

Table Tennis (4)
Real or Fake: VERY fake
Prestige level: -1

Now, you will run into people who will say "You don't understand! This sport is amazing! It requires nerves of steel, and lighting fast reflexes." Yeah. You can also play it drunk with your buddies in a garage on Saturday night, thus failing the litmus test of being a real sport. - 4 medals to the hosts. By the way, it's called PING fricking PONG.

Taekwondo, Fencing, Judo (3), Boxing (2)
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige Level: 4/5

These are all real, but I have to say, for being the country where the famed Shaolin Monks reside, I feel that China actually underperformed in the martial arts. C'mon China, step it up!

Men's weightlifting (4)
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige Level: 4/5

Real. Men lifting heavy things. Good

Women's weightlifting (4)
Real or Fake: Real (sort of)
Prestige level: 1/5

I only fear for their life after weightlifting. This is just wrong. Again, we can have women's weightlifting, but not women's softball? And as far as women's weightlifting goes, I actually count it as a victory for our country when we don't win a medal in this event. (Sorry to the female olympians who have, please don't crush me).

Archery, Sailing, Canoe/Kayak, Rowing
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige level: 1/5

Unless you're splitting arrows ala Robin Hood, I've never seen anyone set their DVRs to catch archery. And sailing? This is what John Kerry did to show America how "athletic" and "in touch" he was with the common man. Oh wait, that was windsurfing...Still, quite foofy. Sorry China, file these under "who cares".

Badminton (3)
Real or Fake: So, so fake
Prestige level: -2

Shuttlecock! 'Nuff said.

But seriously, even if you count Badminton as a real sport (Shuttlecock!), has there ever been a country that has been inspired to greatness because of their proud Badminton tradition?

Country A: We will march upon you and vanquish you all! None shall survive!

Country B: We will not die like dogs, but we will fight like lions!

Country A: Have you forgotten our proud tradition and skills in BADMINTON!!!!

Country B: FLEE!!!!!

Country A: Ready the shuttlecocks!!!!!!!

Yeah. No.

Men's gymnastics (7)
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige: 4/5

I've never understood why men's gymnastics isn't as popular as women's, but it's not. I will say this. China is just stinking good at men's gymnastics.

Women's gymnastics
Real or Fake: Real (sort of)
Prestige: 5/5

So, it's real, and it's prestigious, so why the "sort of"? STOP SENDING 12 YEAR OLDS TO COMPETE CHINA! NO ONE BELIEVES YOU! I WANT THOSE ATHLETES CARBON DATED! 12! 12! 12!

Trampoline (2)
Real or fake: Fake (sorry!)
Prestige: 1/5

I watched trampoline. It is amazing. It is also a fake event. If you are in a bar fight, bragging about your country's superiority, you never pull the "Look how amazing we are at trampoline!" card. That would be like a comic book nerd trying to pick up a hot chick by bragging up his complete collection of Star Trek: The Next Generation DVDs. It just isn't done. By the way, we have a trampoline in our backyard. If we own a trampoline, it cannot be an olympic sport.

Diving
Real or fake: Real
Prestige: 3/5

Diving is the chick flick of the olympics. Chicks love to watch, and guys, wanting to please their mates, follow along, not suffering too badly, but never admiting they'd watch it by themselves. Never would a guy say "Hey brah, I just saw 27 Dresses last weekend! It was sick! Catherine Heigl was the effing bomb!!!". Nor should countries brag about their diving prowess. Own it, but let it go.

Shooting (4)
Real or fake: Real guns, real. Air (read: bb) guns, fake.
Prestige: 2/5 for real guns, -1/5 for bb guns

Listen, if this were about real shooting, ain't nobody going to beat the U.S. In fact, I propose fully automatic shooting for the next olympics. We can recruit inner city youth, and I guarantee we would be tops in the world for London in 2012. Now, I was shocked to find out that shooting bb guns was an olympic sport. Sorry, ping pong and bb guns go hand in hand. What's the litmus test for this one? Does the 12 year old red-head on my block use a discus to shoot pigeons? No. Does he use an air (read: bb) gun to shoot them? Yes? Not an olympic sport.

So, yes, we will lose the gold medal count, but if anyone in the coming weeks following the olympics dares bring up how the U.S. lost this medal count to China, I have a retort for you.

Pedestrian A: Ha! The U.S. lost the gold medal count to Ch...
Pedestrian B: SHUTTLECOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, I have a blog???

Well, it's been a long time, and I have to say, after about a month of posting nothing, I'm happy that a few people are still even checking back. Sweet! I fully plan on doing a full fledged post, but to get back in the saddle I think the olympics deserve a mention. I'm actually pretty into them this year thanks to the modern miracle of DVRs. As much as I've enjoyed these games, there are some political questions to be answered. The first is a little bit more lighthearted, and comes to us via yahoo. It asks the question as to whether judges are being biased towards the home country:

http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/beijing/blog/fourth_place_medal/post/The-REAL-Olympic-medal-count?urn=oly,101537&cp=1#comments

For those to lazy to click a link:

Every judging break seems to have gone China's way during these Olympics. I'm
not suggesting a conspiracy, I just think that judges are humans who are
influenced by big names, fans and other external factors. Oh, and they're also
terrible. Judged events will always be viewed with skepticism by those who lose
for this reason, particularly those who lose to a member of the home delegation.
(Think Roy Jones Jr. at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.)

It is because of this skewed inconsistency that Fourth-Place Medal introduces The Real 2008 Medal Count. Our medal count will tally medals won in sports decided on the field of play, not by a judge in a teal blazer. The judged Olympic events we will ignore for our tally are: boxing, diving, equestrian, gymnastics, judo, taekwondo, trampoline and wrestling. We debated whether to include boxing, wrestling and the martial arts in the list, as they can be decided by competitors. However, because the
judging is prone to error and shenaningans, we will include it.

The Real 2008 Medal Count
China: 22 gold; 11 silver; 11 bronze
United States: 21 gold;
19 silver; 21 bronze

This second article is by one of my favorite essayists, formerly of Sports Illustrated and currently employed by ESPN, Rick Reilly. He highlights some of the glaring ways that China's poor human rights record has been swept under the rug for their "coming out party". And it's funny! The format doesn't permit me to reprint the the entire article, so just do yourself a favor and click here:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3542649


Anyways, I hope you're enjoying the olympics (MICHAEL FREAKIN' PHELPS!!!) as much as we are. Go U.S.A.!!!

How I helped the Celtics win a championship

You know, a couple of weeks have passed since the Boston Celtics memorably dismantled Kobe Bryant's L.A. Lakers to win the NBA Finals. Did you know, however, that I helped them. Probably not, this is the secret story that ESPN doesn't want you to know, and the major media outlets won't disseminate.

Exhibit #1


Sports Illustrated ran this cover following the Celtics win:

Note, it says, "How Danny Ainge revived a great franchise." Not KG, not Paul Pierce, not Ray Allen. Danny Ainge. That's right. P.S., he's Mormon.

Okay, exhibit #2:

This is taken from a prgram that I happened to find in a mountain of memorabilia that I have. When I was back at BYU, for two seasons I worked as an usher courtside at the Cougars home basketball games. I happened to be working when Danny Ainge had his jersey retired. Well, on top of that, he was sitting about 10 feet away from me the whole time. Now, I like Danny Ainge. Mormon hoopster, the preeminent player in BYU history (sorry Shawn Bradley), a key piece in the Celtics championship teams, a one time Phoenix Suns player and coach. How could I pass up the opportunity? Yes, I became one of those annoying autograph hounds, but I had the perfect piece of memorabilia, and opportunity. I hope it's my last time ever. I walked over to him, and humbly told him I was a big fan (ugh), and he graciously, if somewhat bemusedly, signed my program.

Let me ask you this. How many championships did Danny Ainge win as a G.M. before I got his signature, hmmmm??? Yeah, that's what I thought. None.

The House Of Milo claims part of the Celtics championship for partial albino dreamers everywhere.

The new standard bearer in pro franchise excellence

Since winning their fourth championship in the last 10 years, the San Antonio Spurs, those of the floptastic and uninspiring gameplay, have been lauded as the standard bearers of excellence among all professional sports franchises. Indeed, a Sports Illustrated cover from last year hailed them as such. Had the Patriots not executed the finest choke job of the modern sports era (in fact, has their been a bigger choke job ever? Eli Manning won the Super Bowl, for crying out loud!) perhaps they would have unceremoniously ripped the mantle from the Spurs, all the while Bill Belichick pointing and chanting "Nanny nanny boo boo, stick your head in doo doo NFL!" With the Patriots flopping like the Spurs, and the Spurs flopping against the Lakers like, well, also like the Spurs, the window has been opened for the most dominating team you have most likely never seen.

My journey with the Red Wings began during the 1994-1995 NHL season. Seinfeld was in full swing back when Thursday really was must see. Teenagers were just getting over the Seattle grunge movement, Dr. Dre was tearing up the radio, Napster was still a few years off, and a younger version of me was learning the ins and outs of one of the hottest extreme sports out there, before we even knew what extreme sports were. I was an in line skater. My buddy Bryan and I had been skating around Las Vegas for years, but were just finding out how enjoyable street hockey was. Of course, checks and hits produced scrapes and scars, because we were rarely smart enough to wear protective gear.

During this time, I realized Hockey was ultimate dopeness. Today's crazy teens might have called it "sick". Either way, I realized that I was going to have to follow the NHL, and that I would need a team. Being a native Las Vegan, I've had to poach my favorite teams from other cities. Steve Young made me a believer in the 49ers, and I have loved them since the Cowboys first beat them in the NFC championship. I followed one of my favorite UNLV players in Arman Gilliam to the NBA and have been a Phoenix Suns fan ever since. Hockey was a trickier proposition. I had no previous link to the sport, other than the fact that I was now going to be a fan. I had to choose my team well. During this process, I read in an SI article that talked about how the Detroit Red Wings were currently in the midst of the longest Stanley Cup draught (27 or 28 years, I believe it was) so there was compelling drama. They were an original six hockey team and they had been the team of Gordie Howe so they had tradition. They had sweet unis, which any of my friends will tell you is extremely important to me. Lastly, they threw octopi on the ice during the playoffs, symbolizing the number of wins required to win the Stanley Cup in the original playoff format. When I realized that I could be a hockey fan AND piss off PETA at the same time, I was sold.

You can see then, why this bitter and disenfranchised Suns fan has had the chance for ultimate redemption during one of the best times in all of pro sports, when basketball and hockey frolic for a rollicking month, and thrust un-reality TV back to the depths from which it sprung. The Red Wings are en route to another Stanley Cup, and the Spurs, the previous gold standard for pro sports, will reluctantly lose their tenuous grip on the unofficial title of "most successful pro franchise".



So, why will the mantle of greatest pro franchise be unceremoniously ripped from the San Antonio Spurs by the Detroit Red Wings? Let's compare the franchises. First, obviously, the most important measure by which any franchise should be considered, number of titles won.

San Antonio: 4 Detroit: 4*

Now, I may jinx my team, and maybe they will suffer one of the biggest collapses in the history of the NHL, but I'm going to call the Stanley Cup in their favor with them up 3-1. I could just wait for them to win to see, but it's much more dramatic to make the call early. Now, we have this raw number, let's judge the quality of these titles. One of San Antonio's titles came in a strike shortened season. Oops, strike one against them. Two of San Antonio's titles came against the Juggernaut known as...The New Jersey Nets?!? Strike two. NBA Finals ratings have tanked when the Spurs are there. Not really a measure of their greatness or not, but rather a measure of America's good taste, but they are boring, so we are going to count that as strike three.

Finals appearances since 94-95

San Antonio: 4 Detroit: 5

Now, you may judge and say "Wait a minute, they made it one more time, but they didn't win." Indeed, but just as the adage says, better to have won and lost, than never to have won before. Yes, that one loss in the Finals came in a strike shortened season, but all of Detroit's wins came in legitimate full length seasons. Advantage, Red Wings.

Conference Finals since 94-95

San Antonio: 7 Detroit: 7

Pretty even statistic here. San Antonio doesn't lose any ground, but doesn't gain any either. I would argue, however, that it is more difficult to win in the NHL playoffs, where the game's name changes to "Goalie" and a hot man between the pipes can knock off even mighty juggernauts.

Seasons with best regular season record since 94-95

San Antonio: 4* Detroit: 5

This statistic is important, because in the discussion of successful pro franchises, win percentage usually gets tossed out there at some point, and the NHL will get the short end of the stick every time because of its point system because games could end in ties until the recent rule changes. It's like trying to compare apples to oranges. The end result, however, cannot be disputed. How many times have these franchises been the standard for regular season excellence. Detroit has done it one time more, but San An gets a dreaded asterisk for sharing the best record with Dallas one year. Oops! To be fair, I should mention that the mighty Red Wings were upset in the first round one year having won the President's Trophy (record for most regular season wins/points) BUT, the difference is, a set back like that would derail lesser franchises for years. Just look at how the Dallas Mavericks have reeled since losing to the Golden State Warriors in the first round. What did Detroit do? Rebound to make a conference final and Stanley Cup final. Much in the way wily job candidates make their negatives positive in job interviews, so do the Red Wings turn a colossal blunder into an example of their unending commitment to winning.

Intangibles

Now, beyond these measures of excellence, what are some of the intangibles that must be considered? All Detroit has done since the 94-95 season is win. Detroit has suffered no losing seasons in that time, and San Antonio has. The last time Detroit didn't qualify for the playoffs was the 85-86 season. In this years Stanley Cup finals, the Wings held the Pens scoreless through the first 2 games, an NHL record. Detroit has continued their winning with 3 different coaches, while San Antonio has had the luxury of one coach. The Red Wings have accomplished what they have in essentially one less season than the Spurs, losing an entire NHL season to a work stoppage. And speaking of the work stoppage, the NHL drastically revamped their rules and implemented a salary cap. The Red Wings have reached a conference final since that time and, presumably, will win the Stanley Cup this year under the new rules.

Final Verdict

You don't watch the NHL. That is a fairly safe assumption given their marginal ratings. In not watching, however, you have missed the most dominant pro franchise since 1994, and their winning is not done yet. So, if you learn nothing more from this little article, know this. If you want to really look like you know sports, and you ever happen upon someone who asks you "So who's the best team in the NHL this year?" Just answer the Red Wings. Season in and season out, you've got a great chance of looking like a genius.

Go Wings!!!

Bruce Bowen, the face of the Spurs.

Dr. Stephen R. Covey has said that being "enemy centered" is not effective. Until this series is over with San Antonio, all I can find myself doing is be enemy centered. I hate the Spurs with the burning passion of a thousand supernovas. Tonight, I will direct my ire at Bruce Bowen, the dirtiest player in the league. So, when you hear all of the studio produced fluff pieces during these playoffs about how humble and good hearted those Spurs are, please remember that THIS is the kind of player that they prize.

Classic Bowen (and Horry employed this against the Suns last year), do something below the belt to try to antagonize the other team to react.



Would you want to defend someone who is willing to do this to you? At least he's consistently dirty, not just saving his underhanded tactics for defense.



This one is just amazing. I mean, nothing I can do can augment what you are about to see, other than say that Bruce Lee would be proud.



The following is a perfect textbook example of what I term the "San An Face". Characterized by an egregious foul, and then UTTER SHOCK that the officials would even consider that they did anything wrong.



I didn't buy into the Bowen is dirty school of thought until I saw this potential career ender, where he goes after Amare Stoudemire's achilles. This could have been horrific.



Oh, those crafty Spurs, willing to bite, scratch, claw, and flying tiger jump kick their way to a championship. Good luck!

The anatomy of a heart being ripped out...

In an effort to help others to understand my pain, I offer you, my minute to minute musings regarding what, I'm sure, will be the Suns ultimate loss to the Spurs, in what is sure to be another heart breaking, and gut wrenching loss to that most detestable Texas team.

3:07 3rd quarter Suns 63, Spurs 71: Good, after a comfortable halftime lead for the Suns, the Spurs have managed to gain a nearly 10 point advantage on the Suns. That's okay, knowing the Spurs, I anticipated this. Fortunately, the Suns will have a run of their own to keep it close, ultimately, losing by 1 or 2 points towards the end.

2:23 3rd Suns 67, Spurs 71: I have been distracted by the lead announcer, who on consecutive plays has flubbed the players names, incorrectly calling "Giricec to Duncan" on a PHX possession, and incorrectly calling Borris Diaw as taking a 3 pointer for the Spurs (not sure who it was, but Diaw is a Sun). Apparently, the Spurs were distracted as well, as the Suns are gaining back some of the distance the Spurs put between them. Wait, did he just pronounce Manu's name GIN-NOBLE. Who is this guy? I don't know, but the comic relief is welcome.

1:42 3rd Suns 67, Spurs 71: What should have been a jump ball is a foul on Shaq. Actually, that was a foul on Shaq looking at the replay, but I approve. Anytime that stupidly overrated Ginobili gets tossed like a rag doll, and it only costs O'Neal his 3rd foul in the 3rd quarter, well, that's just a trade off I'm willing to make.

Ooooooooh, it pans to a shot of Horry. I HATE YOU HORRY!!!! Go back to making records with DJ Jazzy Jeff!!!!!!

1:40 3rd Suns 68, Spurs 73. WE WILL WIN!!!!!! SHAQ JUST HIT 2 FOUL SHOTS!!!!!! IT'S A SIGN!!!!!!!

1:20 Suns 69, Spurs 75. Go ahead, foul Shaq like the cowards you are. Gutless, totally and completely. The basketball Gods will not smile favorably upon this completely backhanded (and unfortunately legal) play. How do you foul a guy OFF the ball and get such an advantage.

End of 3rd Suns 72, Spurs 81. This, is NOT going well. Ah, it pans to Parker. I hope Eva cheats on you with

11:05 4th phx 73 sa 86: Why am I so depressed, I knew this was coming, just not how. I thought it would be close, but apparently I was sorely mistaken. And everytime I see Oberto on S.A., I think of Oh Boy! Oberto brand Beef Jerky. If only he were as listless.

I should write a blog about how much I hate the Spurs. Oh, wait...

9:38 73 88: Shaq just missed 2 free throws, so which free throws are the sign?

8:16 76 92: I'm pretty sure the second set of free throws are the sign.

7:38 77, 94: I was going to write earlier "Well, at least the Suns aren't getting slapped around like the Mavs, or the Hawks." Note to reader, we are officially getting slapped around like the Mavs and the Hawks. Oh, and the Wizards, don't forget them.

7:03 81, 94: Nash hits an ABSOLUTELY clutch three. He's good at those. And my wife, who is babysitting next store, has called to distract me. Bless her heart, she's saving me from the bloodbath. Is there a greater invention in the last 10 years than a DVR? 20 years? I'm not sure, I can't think of what it would be.

6:15 81, 94: I wonder what the Suns will be doing this off season? I bet Steve Nash is going to go to tons of indie rock shows. Amare Stoudamire? Probably hang with his entourage. Shaq will eat. Lots. Grant Hill will shoot a follow up to his piano playing ESPN SportsCenter commercial. During this train of thought, I have watched PHX miss about 6 different layups, and the Spurs hit a 3 that was erroniously called as a two. I have GOT to find out who is calling this game, they may make this series bearable for me.

4:01 85, 96: Kurt Thomas just fouled out. Now that the dominating Kurt Thomas is out, the table is set for a Suns comeback! He was the last Spur holding back the oncoming flood. Stoudamire, JUST hit his first field goal of the second half, amazingly cutting it to just 9.

3:16 87, 96: Bruce Bowen continues to treat Steve Nash like his prison cell buddy at the state penn, although for once he's actually called for it. How is this game within 9? Make that 7, Nash hits 2 free throws. 7 points? This is more like it, keep it close before ultimately

WAIT, I can't even update the score, Nash hits ANOTHER clutch shot, to 5. Man, they REALLY want to break my heart on this one. Sometimes a blowout is a little easier to stomach. While there's a break in the action, can I just ask out loud, how come my computer is typing like, 3 commas at a time? That is making this entry extremely difficult.

1:32 93, 99: I'm not saying it's outside the realm of possibility, but this is just painful. Not rotating over on Duncan will not win this game. Nash hits another clutch shot. That boy is full of two things. Emo-tastic attitude, and clutch. That's it. Nothing else. If Phoenix wins this series, I will sport a Steve Nash emo haircut, mark my words...

1:11 93, 101: How in the wide wide world of sports does Shaq end up guarding Tony Parker? Let's travel back in time to find out.

(DVR MAGIC PIXIE DUST)

Ah ha, switch on a screen. Well, that sucks. And Nash missed. Double suck. Well D'antoni, if you have an 8 point play up your sleeve, now is the time.

14.3 96, 101. Well, I'm looking like a prophet. Suns got it close. Just close enough to lose and tear my heart out of my chest. I would really, REALLY like it, if for just once, the Spurs DIDN'T win a close one. Who will I root for if the Suns lose? Hmmmmm, I'll ponder that in the final seconds. Stoudamire hit just his 6th make in 32 tries, according to the guy who keeps missing players. I wonder if that stat is legit? By the way, a visit to TNT.com was fruitless in trying to figure out who this guy is, apparently TNT is a company that ships packages. I digress.

Is D'Antoni going to be back next season? I certainly hope so.

Dude, TNT, stop cutting to commercials while they're trying to sort things out on the court! I want more missed play calls! Don't rob me of this, my last pleasure in this painful endeavor.

13.5 96, 101. Blogging during a game sure makes it last a long time. That would be way better if my team were actually winning. By the way, Bell just fouled (hard) Ginobili on the inbound, and here may be the problem with the Suns. He went to go pick him up, as if to say "Hey, my bad." Raja Bell, there IS NO MY BAD IN THE PLAYOFFS!!! When you knock a guy down, you step on him if you can, and then tell him that he has a ridiculously large nose. Well, the large nose part if it's Manu. Of course, Raja DID clothesline Bryant a couple of years ago, so we'll forgive him this faux pas.

And that's a final, ladies and gentlemen. Late surge aside, the Suns come up a day late, and a dollar short. I'm looking at my heart, still beating, on the floor next to me. To add insult to injury, Tony Parker says something to Eva Longoria in french at the end of his smug post game interview. I hope she has a headache tonight!

My next blog is going to be about the Red Wings, this series is too painful for me.