Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The time honored tradition of presidential pandering.

Pandering is a long and established tradition among political candidates. I am just a little young (thank heavens) to remember, but in a debate with fellow Democrat Gary Hart, Walter Mondale famously countered Hart's continual use of "new ideas" as his slogan with this quote:

"When I hear your new ideas, I'm reminded of that ad, 'Where's the beef?'"

Where's the beef. That's right, Mondale countered with a popular catch phrase from this Wendy's add campaign.

Who can forget Michael Dukakis' famous tank ride to assuage fears that he might not be strong enough militarily:

I don't know about you, but he looked about as comfortable in that tank as Elton John would be at a Scores nightclub. Now, these were some pretty good examples of good old fashioned baby kissing pandering, but this year, our current crop of presidential candidates have really taken it to a new level, as illustrated in this recent bit to promote WWE Monday Night Raw:

Holy mother of pearl! That just takes the cake! Now, I'm all for flag pins, embarrassing catch phrases, brazenly irrational declarations of war against Iran (thanks Hillary!), but I have to say, in 100,000 years, I never thought I would see the candidates, hoping to take the office of the most powerful person in the free world, on WWE Raw. Unbelievable. I'm reminded of the phrase "elitist" being bandied about as though it were a bad thing. Personally, I want my president so many times smarter than me it cannot be measured. I want a president that has been successful in just about everything that they do. I hope that they would have the saavy and business sense to be millionaires many times over. I want a president that has been toughened cultured, and refined.

And with all respect to wrestling fans (I've watched my share to be sure) I'd like my presidential candidate to steer clear from debacles like this, like, well, like Elton John steering clear of Scores.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

We are the Champions!!!

Okay, this is way too self congratulatory, but allow me this moment, and I'll try not to let it happen too often. Our ward completed a perfect basketball season tonight, beating the extremely tough Goldcrest ward in what was one of our closest games of the season. I'm not going to posture and say that I contributed a ton, but but I will say that our ward was the epitomy of team. It didn't matter who was off, every game someone stepped up to shoulder the load. If anyone from either team reads this, congratulations goes out to (in no order).

Aaron Harris
Adam Warren
Brandon Shepard
Aaron Shepard
Demark Scott
Brent Patterson
Jon Berkabile
Kevin Barney
Matt Boyd
Allen Rasmussen
special contributor Ralph Majewski (if I left anyone off, sorry brethren, errors of men)

A bunch of guys contributed to get us there, and congrats to one and all, this is just a quick shout to those who were there tonight, but everyone who came out helped to get us there. Let's try again next year fellas!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Impress the honies, feed the beast.

Rochelle and I had one of our best Vegas dates ever last night, and the world should know, because this apparently hidden gem was not far out of Vegas and it made you feel half a world away. We attended the Indie Rock Wars at the MonteLago Village Resort at Lake Las Vegas and had a fabulous time courtesy of local radio station Mix 94.1. We even had VIP passes which meant, if we wanted to, we could sit 15 feet closer to the stage than where we already were. AND we could sit on picnic tables! Viva la Mix!

Our evening started with dinner for two at the Sonrisa Grill, which was warmly decorated with extremely friendly servers. Have you ever had your finicky little requests for your meal fall by the wayside, as servers get about 85 percent of what you wanted correct? By my tally, not one mistake was made.

Accomodated our seating request (check).
Bussboy and waiter were on our table like white on rice, waiting on us hand and foot, NEVER letting drinks or chips run out (check).
And the coup de gras...
Asked for no beans on my wife's dinner, and double beans on mine (check, and checkmate for Rochelle, if you know what I mean. Sorry sweets.)

It was truly amazing, and with a warm and friendly manner to boot, the service was beyond exceptional. Roch ordered a Chimichanga and I had the steak fajitas, and neither dish disappointed. Neither dish was a revolutionary reimagining, but they were done absolutely right. Rochelle was particularly enamored with her selection, and Mexican food isn't even her thing.

After full tummies, we took in the MonteLago village, a Vegas imagining of a Mediterranean Village, with a minimum on the kitschy overblown drama of the strip. Wait, scratch that, this Mediterranean Village did have a Mexican restaurant and an Irish pub, but the atmosphere was so laid back, we completely forgot about how out of place they were. If you're going for shopping, I'd say scrub this one from your list, because obviously, the Forum shops would demolish MonteLago Village in sheer number of shops as well as high end vendors, but here, you're actually outside, and not looking at painted ceilings. Ambience was the thing here, and for a romantic mood, you couldn't beat the lake view. If there are future events at Lake Las Vegas, count me in, as I cannot imagine a better venue to catch a couple of decent bands for a cheap price than the floating stage at Lake Las Vegas. Make a note, though, that bug spray will be your friend, as the skeeters started to come out near dusk, which ultimately led us to pack it in a bit early.

The evening was capped off by performances from a few indie bands, and the most amazing thing of all, Rochelle dug them! The rock scene isn't necessarily her thing, and yet we had a great time. The bands, for a bunch of guys trying to claw their way to contracts, were actually quite good, bordering on impressive. We caught a three song set from local band Left Standing, whose nifty onstage stunts made up for their somewhat predictable (but ultimately enjoyable) rock. We caught a sound test by the band The Speaks, and I could tell that they would have been the band I would have most enjoyed had we been able to stay longer. They had a bit of a harder edge, and they seemed to be a crowd favorite. Look for them to maybe make some noise in the industry(if they aren't already, I'm not the hipster I once pretended to be). We caught a few songs from Gone for Good, and they were also quite impressive. Imagine a Big Bad Voodoo Daddy and Green Day fusion, and you have their sound. Their pink haired guitarist/singer had great stage presence, and any number of their songs would have been right at home on a re-imagined "Swingers" soundtrack. They made me feel like a punk rock lounge lizard.

With the options outside of taking dates to Station Casinos dwindling, it was nice to be outside by the lake, seemingly half a world away from the teeming humanity of Las Vegas, taking in a hidden gem.
(Special aside, these two young ladies were apparently contestants on a secret gameshow called "Guess How Hammered We Are!". They were like the spinning hippies at a Phish show, if those spinning hippies were on ten cans of Red Bull, and doing freak dancing instead. They were the true winners in this battle of the bands.)

One more reason for kids to ditch

I’d like to report to you something fascinating, devoted readers. My attendance for April 24, 2008. My first class, I had 19 out of 34 students show up. My second class, I had 11 out of 28 students show up, and in my final class of the day, I had 9 out of 26 students show up. When I had so many absences in my first class, I just thought it was an aberration, by my second class, I thought it was some kind of nefarious ditch day I wasn’t aware of. By my final class, I was convinced it was a nefarious ditch day, and come to find out, it was. Just a state sanctioned one.

What I’m talking about, is “Take Your Child to Work Day.”

At my previous school, I didn’t even give heed to the memos that went out, because so few students opted to go to work. Maybe there was a slight bump in absences, but nothing quite like the epidemic that I just experienced today. I want you to think about how hard it is when 3-4 students miss class and then need to be caught up. Now, think about my two classes, where over HALF of my class didn’t show. Can I ask you a question? That was redundant, because I’m going to anyway. Do you really think that all of those kids went with their parents to work? And do you think I’m going to call all of those homes to find out whether they did or not on my own personal time? (hint: the answer to both is no)

I’m sure that this semi-official holiday is well intentioned enough. “Let’s get our future workers/leaders excited about getting into the workplace!” But aside from the 5-10 percent of the youth that I actually trust my future with, do you know what these kids are thinking?

“Hellz yeah! No school!”

I fought a good fight to keep my first class on task, but after I picked my jaw off the floor upon seeing my numbers for my next classes, I was relegated to the dreaded “Make-up day” that teachers loathe (or is that just me?).

Might I suggest, to anyone in a position of influence, that we move this state sanctioned ditch day to a more appropriate date. How about some time between the months of June and August? Of course, this would rob many teachers of the opportunity to take their kids to work, but with the teacher retention crisis that we are facing in America, maybe it would be a good idea for us to avoid scaring our kids away from a career in education that early in their lives anyway.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Bruce Bowen, the face of the Spurs.

Dr. Stephen R. Covey has said that being "enemy centered" is not effective. Until this series is over with San Antonio, all I can find myself doing is be enemy centered. I hate the Spurs with the burning passion of a thousand supernovas. Tonight, I will direct my ire at Bruce Bowen, the dirtiest player in the league. So, when you hear all of the studio produced fluff pieces during these playoffs about how humble and good hearted those Spurs are, please remember that THIS is the kind of player that they prize.

Classic Bowen (and Horry employed this against the Suns last year), do something below the belt to try to antagonize the other team to react.

Would you want to defend someone who is willing to do this to you? At least he's consistently dirty, not just saving his underhanded tactics for defense.

This one is just amazing. I mean, nothing I can do can augment what you are about to see, other than say that Bruce Lee would be proud.

The following is a perfect textbook example of what I term the "San An Face". Characterized by an egregious foul, and then UTTER SHOCK that the officials would even consider that they did anything wrong.

I didn't buy into the Bowen is dirty school of thought until I saw this potential career ender, where he goes after Amare Stoudemire's achilles. This could have been horrific.

Oh, those crafty Spurs, willing to bite, scratch, claw, and flying tiger jump kick their way to a championship. Good luck!

Thursday, April 24, 2008


As Roch and I were driving out of Las Vegas a little while back, on MLK I saw a curious license plate. RIPMYLV. Strange plate. We talked about about what it might mean. She came up with Rest In Peace My Love, which, given the part of town we were driving in, wasn't a longshot. I had a slightly different take, if not a bit more unlikely. RIP My Las Vegas.

There's no way, right? But as we drove south to San Diego and we passed a Scandia, I was reminded of that sentiment. So many people come to Vegas, even pepole who have lived here for years don't remember what it once was like, because, well, they don't know. A lot of you don't remember that we once had our own Scandia. I don't know how many cheap dates I took there, but before the property no doubt became too valuable for its own good, it was a great place to shoot some mini golf with families and gangbangers alike. Alas, Scandia, like so much of old Vegas, is dead.

How long have I lived in Vegas? You know that eyesore, the Huntridge theatre, down on Charleston and Maryland? I actually saw movies there before its second golden age as a music venue. You wouldn't know it from its hauntingly abandoned exterior, but bands, really good bands, used to play there. Nine Inch Nails, t the pinnacle of their popularity, played two surprise shows to open their world tour at the Huntridge for the downward spiral. For sheer brutal sonic intensity, that concert has never been matched in my books. My buddy and i met Ween backstage, and another friend and me narrowly avoided getting fake peed on by the lead singer of Rammstein. Good times. Crazy place. You wouldn't understand why a few people get crazy excited when rumors of this cruddy little movie theatre/music venue reopening ebb in and out every once in a while. That's okay, you probably weren't here.

You didn't know that Ford Service Center down on Lake Mead and Decatur was once a Chucky Cheese, complete with real, animatronic singing rodents. I know there is still Chuck E. Cheese, but its not the same. Wet n' Wild had to be one of the best waterparks in the U.S. before high rises crushed the life from it. Bonzai Bogan, anyone? Der Stuka (which I understand means you're stupid). The pee filled Lazy River. Liquid greatness. And let me tell you, if you have never visited the half dilapidated shopping center on jones and 95, then you have never eaten the best chinese food in las vegas at the Full Ho. Thats the one place that's still around, but let this be a cautionary tale, get there while you can .

As you've seen from these memories, nothing in Vegas lasts forever.

Chime in, Native Vegans, what do you remember? Post your own memories here.

Get ready for a political screwjob!

This is not as timely as it should have been. I actually wrote this, what, a month ago? Some of it may still have relevence. Some may not. Tell me what you think:

So, recently the political flavor of the week is the fact that neither Hilary nor Barack will achieve the delegate count necessary to get the presidential nomination. Of course, this makes votes from those wacky Michigan and Florida primaries crucial. That also means that somehow, someway, there’s going to be some brokered back room deal that is going to get us the democratic presidential nomination! Yay democracy!

I’m also not one of these huge media watchdogs, but it certainly would seem that rather than passive spectator, at least some media outlets are trying to influence rather than report on these happenings. These examples are pretty subtle, and maybe, just maybe I’m grasping for straws here, but hear me out. The first example comes from,8599,1720264,00.html?xid=site-cnn-partner

Read with me the first paragraph.

It is looking increasingly likely that Democrats in Florida and Michigan are going to have a do-over of their primaries, so that their 366 delegates — who could be enough to tip the nomination one way or the other — can be seated at this summer's Democratic National Convention in Denver.

I suppose that one could surmise that the increasing pressures from these states to have their delegates seated at the democratic convention would warrant such a statement, but it certainly feels like the tone of this paragraph is to get the potential outraged onlooker used to the fact that a re-vote is going to happen, and that we should not only get used to it, but start considering how it might happen. A slightly more overt example can be found here at

Democrats agree that new voting is needed to determine convention delegates for Florida and Michigan, but they can't figure out how to pay for it.
Now, please, check the link so that you can determine for yourself whether or not I’m taking this out of context, but I have to tell you, this democrat doesn’t agree with that! This is just flat out speculation, being reported as fact, and not only that, it’s further trying to push this “re-vote is a foregone conclusion” angle. What the frick??? I personally applaud Howard Dean (not too often I can utter those words) in sticking to his guns at the peril of alienating Florida and Michigan. The consequences were set out for those states, they ignored those sanctions and went ahead, and as a teacher, I cannot tell you how loathe I am to perpetuate the growing idea that in this country, if you bitch, complain, or litigate enough you will get your way. Great example disgruntled Michegoneons and Floridians!!! I am disgusted with these primaries, but I have to say even taking it a step further, the Democratic nominating process is moronic.
But enough with the complaints, what do I propose that’s better? Well, Mister, I’ll tell you. 10 weeks. That’s what we need. 5 states per week, distributed according to relative electoral weight (although, if we’re at it, the Electoral College is a joke as well). So, we’ll say Texas would be paired with a few smaller states the first week, and California would be paired with a few smaller states, making the relative importance equal week to week. Winner takes ALL, none of this divvying up crap. If someone starts running away with momentum, people drop out, and we’re all happy. Every election year we’ll rotate the states so that New Hampshire ( New Hampshire people! What is even in New Hampshire???) doesn’t dictate the front runner status of candidates every year. This idea of our primaries is reified (second time I’ve used this word in a blog, check out my complaints on the Phoenix Suns being robbed of the NBA championship last year for a definition). We should change what sucks. I mean, once upon a time, people thought that slavery was a pretty good idea, but I think we can all pretty much agree that it wasn’t…

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The Sweetest Punishment You'll Ever Recieve

Can someone explain to me exactly how a suspension is a punishment? At least in today's educational environment, a suspension is practically nothing. I mean, honestly, a suspension is softer than Dirk Nowitzski in the NBA playoffs. It's the educational equivalent of paid vacation. Let's examine:

1) Students get out of school- Kids hate school nowadays. At least, they hate school for all of the pragmatic reasons to attend, such as, I dunno, actually learning something. They love hanging with friends, texting each other during class, listening to iPods during passing periods, and figuring out where to score drugs. I say, let's make them go to double school. Let's hire special teachers that take over after the traditional day. After double school is over, they go home, eat special gruel, go to bed, and WHAM! They're back at school again! Double bonus, their brains hurt so much that they are too lethargic to screw around any more. Triple bonus, they're too busy with school to do what kids usually do on suspension, which is play video games, update their myspace, and text their friends who are still in school and telling them how awesome being suspended is.

2) They get to make up their work- Are you kidding me? They get to make up what they missed? Really? I mean, c'mon, let's think about this seriously. There are only three possible outcomes to this little scenario. a) Students will cheat like mad banshees off of their friends work to get caught up or b) Will spend tons of time after school with their teachers to figure out what to do for what they missed. Here's the problem with this, who does it punish when teachers have to put in extra time to catch kids up? That's right, teachers!!! It sure would be tougher on troublemakers if they actually paid some kind of price for acting up, rather than getting special attention to get caught up because they can't keep their mouth shut or keep their hands off of others.

3) It is a badge of honor - Yup, coming back from suspension is like advancing through the belts in Karate. Once you've heard a student proudly proclaim how they've bounced from high school to high school (along with the run down of each one, and which ones were crackin' or not) you've pretty much lost the battle. There is not much more you can do, except hope for a smooth transition once state corrections officers get involved. Oh, and if a kid has come back from opportunity school, forget it. They are a 7th degree black belt. They may as well run for class president.

So what do I suggest? Well, I don't know exactly, but why exactly are we begging and pleading with students to come who don't want to be there? It's amazing, we are in a system that lets students choose where they want to go once they get kicked out of somewhere. I think a major paradigm shift is in order. Why not just say "Yes, you had a chance for a free education, and you've squandered it. You've had second chances, but now there is nothing left for you. No soup for you!" You can only try to save a drowning man who refuses a life preserver for so long. Would it be so bad to elevate education, to make it a privilege for those who won't waste it, and ruin it for everyone else?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The anatomy of a heart being ripped out...

In an effort to help others to understand my pain, I offer you, my minute to minute musings regarding what, I'm sure, will be the Suns ultimate loss to the Spurs, in what is sure to be another heart breaking, and gut wrenching loss to that most detestable Texas team.

3:07 3rd quarter Suns 63, Spurs 71: Good, after a comfortable halftime lead for the Suns, the Spurs have managed to gain a nearly 10 point advantage on the Suns. That's okay, knowing the Spurs, I anticipated this. Fortunately, the Suns will have a run of their own to keep it close, ultimately, losing by 1 or 2 points towards the end.

2:23 3rd Suns 67, Spurs 71: I have been distracted by the lead announcer, who on consecutive plays has flubbed the players names, incorrectly calling "Giricec to Duncan" on a PHX possession, and incorrectly calling Borris Diaw as taking a 3 pointer for the Spurs (not sure who it was, but Diaw is a Sun). Apparently, the Spurs were distracted as well, as the Suns are gaining back some of the distance the Spurs put between them. Wait, did he just pronounce Manu's name GIN-NOBLE. Who is this guy? I don't know, but the comic relief is welcome.

1:42 3rd Suns 67, Spurs 71: What should have been a jump ball is a foul on Shaq. Actually, that was a foul on Shaq looking at the replay, but I approve. Anytime that stupidly overrated Ginobili gets tossed like a rag doll, and it only costs O'Neal his 3rd foul in the 3rd quarter, well, that's just a trade off I'm willing to make.

Ooooooooh, it pans to a shot of Horry. I HATE YOU HORRY!!!! Go back to making records with DJ Jazzy Jeff!!!!!!

1:40 3rd Suns 68, Spurs 73. WE WILL WIN!!!!!! SHAQ JUST HIT 2 FOUL SHOTS!!!!!! IT'S A SIGN!!!!!!!

1:20 Suns 69, Spurs 75. Go ahead, foul Shaq like the cowards you are. Gutless, totally and completely. The basketball Gods will not smile favorably upon this completely backhanded (and unfortunately legal) play. How do you foul a guy OFF the ball and get such an advantage.

End of 3rd Suns 72, Spurs 81. This, is NOT going well. Ah, it pans to Parker. I hope Eva cheats on you with

11:05 4th phx 73 sa 86: Why am I so depressed, I knew this was coming, just not how. I thought it would be close, but apparently I was sorely mistaken. And everytime I see Oberto on S.A., I think of Oh Boy! Oberto brand Beef Jerky. If only he were as listless.

I should write a blog about how much I hate the Spurs. Oh, wait...

9:38 73 88: Shaq just missed 2 free throws, so which free throws are the sign?

8:16 76 92: I'm pretty sure the second set of free throws are the sign.

7:38 77, 94: I was going to write earlier "Well, at least the Suns aren't getting slapped around like the Mavs, or the Hawks." Note to reader, we are officially getting slapped around like the Mavs and the Hawks. Oh, and the Wizards, don't forget them.

7:03 81, 94: Nash hits an ABSOLUTELY clutch three. He's good at those. And my wife, who is babysitting next store, has called to distract me. Bless her heart, she's saving me from the bloodbath. Is there a greater invention in the last 10 years than a DVR? 20 years? I'm not sure, I can't think of what it would be.

6:15 81, 94: I wonder what the Suns will be doing this off season? I bet Steve Nash is going to go to tons of indie rock shows. Amare Stoudamire? Probably hang with his entourage. Shaq will eat. Lots. Grant Hill will shoot a follow up to his piano playing ESPN SportsCenter commercial. During this train of thought, I have watched PHX miss about 6 different layups, and the Spurs hit a 3 that was erroniously called as a two. I have GOT to find out who is calling this game, they may make this series bearable for me.

4:01 85, 96: Kurt Thomas just fouled out. Now that the dominating Kurt Thomas is out, the table is set for a Suns comeback! He was the last Spur holding back the oncoming flood. Stoudamire, JUST hit his first field goal of the second half, amazingly cutting it to just 9.

3:16 87, 96: Bruce Bowen continues to treat Steve Nash like his prison cell buddy at the state penn, although for once he's actually called for it. How is this game within 9? Make that 7, Nash hits 2 free throws. 7 points? This is more like it, keep it close before ultimately

WAIT, I can't even update the score, Nash hits ANOTHER clutch shot, to 5. Man, they REALLY want to break my heart on this one. Sometimes a blowout is a little easier to stomach. While there's a break in the action, can I just ask out loud, how come my computer is typing like, 3 commas at a time? That is making this entry extremely difficult.

1:32 93, 99: I'm not saying it's outside the realm of possibility, but this is just painful. Not rotating over on Duncan will not win this game. Nash hits another clutch shot. That boy is full of two things. Emo-tastic attitude, and clutch. That's it. Nothing else. If Phoenix wins this series, I will sport a Steve Nash emo haircut, mark my words...

1:11 93, 101: How in the wide wide world of sports does Shaq end up guarding Tony Parker? Let's travel back in time to find out.


Ah ha, switch on a screen. Well, that sucks. And Nash missed. Double suck. Well D'antoni, if you have an 8 point play up your sleeve, now is the time.

14.3 96, 101. Well, I'm looking like a prophet. Suns got it close. Just close enough to lose and tear my heart out of my chest. I would really, REALLY like it, if for just once, the Spurs DIDN'T win a close one. Who will I root for if the Suns lose? Hmmmmm, I'll ponder that in the final seconds. Stoudamire hit just his 6th make in 32 tries, according to the guy who keeps missing players. I wonder if that stat is legit? By the way, a visit to was fruitless in trying to figure out who this guy is, apparently TNT is a company that ships packages. I digress.

Is D'Antoni going to be back next season? I certainly hope so.

Dude, TNT, stop cutting to commercials while they're trying to sort things out on the court! I want more missed play calls! Don't rob me of this, my last pleasure in this painful endeavor.

13.5 96, 101. Blogging during a game sure makes it last a long time. That would be way better if my team were actually winning. By the way, Bell just fouled (hard) Ginobili on the inbound, and here may be the problem with the Suns. He went to go pick him up, as if to say "Hey, my bad." Raja Bell, there IS NO MY BAD IN THE PLAYOFFS!!! When you knock a guy down, you step on him if you can, and then tell him that he has a ridiculously large nose. Well, the large nose part if it's Manu. Of course, Raja DID clothesline Bryant a couple of years ago, so we'll forgive him this faux pas.

And that's a final, ladies and gentlemen. Late surge aside, the Suns come up a day late, and a dollar short. I'm looking at my heart, still beating, on the floor next to me. To add insult to injury, Tony Parker says something to Eva Longoria in french at the end of his smug post game interview. I hope she has a headache tonight!

My next blog is going to be about the Red Wings, this series is too painful for me.

Monday, April 21, 2008

My new favorite blog

With all respect to the rest of the interwebs, I have to give the "M. Stephen Hendricks Technical Achievement Award For the Internet Excellence" (a prestigious award, not to be taken lightly) to my friend Jamie Huston. If you want a little bit of everything, from biting (and almost always spot on) political critiques, to entertaining musings, to good eats, this is your one stop interwebs buffet. I have spent the last hour and a half perusing the fledgling blog's archive, and found myself wanting to, in this order 1) eat Greek food 2) lament the fall of Western civilization 3) create a list of my favorite things. Well done, good sir, well done. You may find his blog at:

Drop him a line, and let him know that The Milo sent you.

Who am I even talking to, no one is reading this thing. Jamie, send ME some traffic...

Sunday, April 20, 2008

In the words of the immortal Emmerson, "Tim Duncan sucks."

Well, I just need to jump into this blog. I've been mulling over how to start this blasted thing for so long, and waiting for just the right topic to write about, that it has been over a month, and still my little corner of the interwebs are barren, dull, and desolate. So, let me start with something I am passionate about.

Tim Duncan sucks, and the San Antonio Spurs can bite me.

There you have it, as eloquently as those damned Spurs deserve. They are a blight on the NBA and humanity in general. They are a foul plague, and the sooner that they are wiped from the face of the Earth, the better. Of course, this virulent hatred merits two questions. The first, why do I hate them so much? And secondly, just how much do I hate them? Well, the first question is easily answered. For the last few seasons, the Spurs have been the thorn in the side of my beloved Phoenix Suns, a team that has singlehandedly saved the NBA from becoming the "National Boring Association". They literally run an offense where they are encouraged to score within seven seconds. They barely worry about defense, and their offensive explosiveness is orchestrated by a maestro in Steve Nash, the first emo point guard in NBA history. Fall Out Boy plays in my head every time I see him drive or make a clutch 3 pointer.

The Spurs are the antithesis of the Suns. They are boring. They bore their opponents to death. They then use their unobtrusive and literally indistinguishable style to get away with cheap shots on defense (Bruce Bowen, I'm looking at you). And THEN, whenever a foul is called on them, they cry like Elliot Spitzer after his press conference announcing he would step down as governor. Their antics are painful to watch. I'm embarrassed for them every time I see the Duncan face. By his count, he has committed exactly three legit fouls during his entire NBA career. Oh, and by the way, they are the most successful pro franchise of the four majors in the last 10 years.

So, now that you know why I hate them (and for that matter, why you should to), but just how much do I hate them? Well, in order to judge this, let me give you a relative scale on my spectrum of hated franchises and teams, 10 being the worst, and 1 being relatively benign.

11. Duke Blue Devils - now, this is cheating a bit, but NO continuum can possibly contain my vitriolic spite towards these dastardly devils. They earned their place for being the impish upstarts to dethrone my beloved UNLV Rebels of '91, forever robbing them of their rightful place as one of the greatest teams of all time (although, let me shamelessly plug the '90 Rebels for thoroughly trouncing the Devils by 30 points in the title game, which STILL stands as an NCAA record). They had NO RIGHT to win that game. As one of my friends so eloquently stated it, if you played that game 100 times, UNLV would have won 95 of them. And yet, somehow, some way, they did it. And that kicked off years and years of dominance.

10. '90's Cowboys - They dogged my Niners in the early 90's, and were led by the coke sniffing Michael Irvin. Romo has sanitized them somewhat, but those memories die hard.

8. Colorado Avalanche - The nemesis of the Red Wings (my favorite NHL team) although this rivalry has diminished somewhat, and in the long run, the Wings have enjoyed much more long term success. You know this to be true, Dave Bateman.

7. Alien 3 - this one is a no brainer. How do you go from James Cameron's opus, his masterwork, back to one Alien on a planet of convicts that nobody cares about? If only (MAJOR SPOILER)

Ripley's faux death at the end of this movie, as she plunges towards lava giving birth to an Alien, were the death of this franchise.

6. The Grinch - Could someone please tell me how you take a book that could be read in 5 minutes, stretch it out to 2 hours, and make not ONE FRICKING LINE IN THE MOVIE RHYME????????? IT'S DR. FLIPPING SEUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Boris Karloff and Chuck Jones owned this movie with their 1966 greatness.

5. 2007 Patriots - 18-1. BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Anaheim Ducks - They got lucky, and hot, RIGHT at the appropriate time (when Hockey's name changes to "Goalie" for the post season) and upset my Wings in the first round. Back then, they were even the Mighty Ducks, which just added insult to injury. They also eliminated the Wings recently in the conference finals.

3. Utah Utes - As a BYU alum, I am required to dislike the Utes, although to their credit they gave my dad a doctorate, and when they are representing the conference, I have been known to (gasp) root for them.

2. Chicago Bulls - They narrowly edge out the Rockets of 1994, just because they beat the Suns when they had their best chance to win the title. Jordan couldn't have let his buddy Barkley get one? They also beat down the Jazz a couple of times, and the Jazz are okay in my book. Hard to see team after team that I liked fall to them.

1. Grizzly Bears - Stephen Colbert says they are a threat against our American way of life, and I will not be the one to contradict him.

And where do these Spurs rank? That's right, that skipped 9 is where, for at least the foreseeable future, Timmy and the Terribles will reside. I hope that this nearly over the hill bunch are done soon, so their lackluster and utterly forgettable "dominance" will become just a footnote in basketball history.

Wow, this was a super crusty first blog! Oh well, Spurs suck!!!