Wednesday, June 25, 2008

An open letter to Jim Gibbons

With the impending fight to repeal cost of living allowances for state employees about to kickoff this Friday here in good ol’ Nevada, I’m being bombarded with sample letters to send to state representatives and leadership. I haven’t found one, however, that has contained the appropriate tone, and therefore, I decided to create a “choose your own letter” so that anyone struggling with just the right words for Governor Gibbons can strike just the right chord. Enjoy.

Governor Gibbons,
(Greetings / Hello there! / Rot in hell!) I am a humble teacher in the Clark County School District here in Southern Nevada, which by the time you read this will be the (fifth largest school district in the nation / fourth largest district in the nation / wait a minute, four students just walked into my class).

As you can tell by my (concerned / incendiary / vitriolic) tone, I am writing to you in response to your (short sighted / asinine / !@#$@#% stupid) attempt to repeal the four percent cost of living allowance that we, the (humble / pissed off) public servants of the state were scheduled to get. Now, Governor Gibbons, with (all due respect / a burning hatred that will endure the scorching heat of Hades), I’m not going to talk dollars and cents with you, because (I wouldn’t understand it / you wouldn’t understand it), but there has to be a better way, doesn’t there? I even voted for you, something that many people wouldn’t even own up to now.

I have to say your questionable decisions in the time that you’ve been in office have caused me to (question my decision / cry myself to sleep / flagellate myself with a whip Opus Dei style!) daily. I know that in your eyes educators are (noble in thought and deed / lazy nogoodniks) but your actions (are not consistent with your campaign promises to be education minded / make you look like a simpleton and an idiot).

On a personal note, I hope that your divorce proceedings are (going well / going poorly / giving you what you so richly deserve). Please give my regards to (your mistress / your ex-wife / your other mistress).

In closing, I would just like to say (please do the right thing and keep the COLAs we were promised / good luck getting re-elected / please don’t get drunk and beat any women in any parking garages). Seriously.

With (sincere regards for your political future / a hope that we will make it above the poverty line next year! / a burning rage that makes Naomi Campbell look like Mother Theresa.)

Your Name Here


Anonymous said...

Steve, this letter is (funny / very funny / pee-your-pants-funny AND scrath-your-chin thought provoking / best if read while eating bacon).

Guess when a guy's busy sending hundreds of text messages to his "platonic female associate" on the public's dime, he just doesn't have any time to figure out a better way to solve his budget woes than slashing teacher salaries.

"What? I need to cut spending? OK, gimme a minute...(luv u baB *send*)...uh, just take it from the teachers. Mwah ha ha ha ha!"

Brett and Kasia said...

Doesn't it just make you want to come teach in Texas?

Brent, Dana, Ryan and Leonard said...

Hey hey hey, calm down now Steve. Didn't you get that e-mail a while back where they offered us a couple of options. There were 2.
1. Teachers could keep the same salaries and have 4-5 students more per class...
2. Teachers could have the same class sizes but we would make less.
You must have forgotten about these 2 options. Come on, pick one!