A new blog!

Yeah, as The House of Milo has laid dormant for some months now, I invite you to check out yet another project (if anyone is still even checking this anymore).

guidetostuffmormonslike.blogspot.com

My good friend Jamie and myself are taking on this highly important discussion, to delve into the depths of stuff that Mormons like. Both being Mormon, we hope to one day be regarded as the foremost experts in the field, and hopefully some day recieve honorary doctorates in the field.

Enjoy!

Another blog from a sore, lazy, American loser.

http://www.mcclatchydc.com/world/story/49891.html

This link, my friends, is a blog that exposes how disappointing we here in the U.S. have performed this Olympics. Basically, we here in the U.S. like to count our total number of medals, while everyone who wants to champion the cause of the benevolent host country points to how horribly we've performed in the Gold medal count. You know what though?

What gold medals has China won? Can you name me two other Olympic events that they have won medals in other than anything having to do with 12, oh, whoops, I mean 16 year old gymnasts? Times up! Don't feel bad, I couldn't either, so I decided to look up China's gold medal count to see how many of them are real medals, and how many are "fake". Not sure what I mean? You'll see.

Women's Wrestling
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige level: 2/5

Personally, this is probably a real sport, but women's wrestling is way too scary to comprehend. When I was an assistant wrestling coach, you know what terrified the JV's more than anything? Having to be the wrestler to fight the girl. We can have women's wrestling, but we're really getting rid of women's softball? Hmmmmmm...

Table Tennis (4)
Real or Fake: VERY fake
Prestige level: -1

Now, you will run into people who will say "You don't understand! This sport is amazing! It requires nerves of steel, and lighting fast reflexes." Yeah. You can also play it drunk with your buddies in a garage on Saturday night, thus failing the litmus test of being a real sport. - 4 medals to the hosts. By the way, it's called PING fricking PONG.

Taekwondo, Fencing, Judo (3), Boxing (2)
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige Level: 4/5

These are all real, but I have to say, for being the country where the famed Shaolin Monks reside, I feel that China actually underperformed in the martial arts. C'mon China, step it up!

Men's weightlifting (4)
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige Level: 4/5

Real. Men lifting heavy things. Good

Women's weightlifting (4)
Real or Fake: Real (sort of)
Prestige level: 1/5

I only fear for their life after weightlifting. This is just wrong. Again, we can have women's weightlifting, but not women's softball? And as far as women's weightlifting goes, I actually count it as a victory for our country when we don't win a medal in this event. (Sorry to the female olympians who have, please don't crush me).

Archery, Sailing, Canoe/Kayak, Rowing
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige level: 1/5

Unless you're splitting arrows ala Robin Hood, I've never seen anyone set their DVRs to catch archery. And sailing? This is what John Kerry did to show America how "athletic" and "in touch" he was with the common man. Oh wait, that was windsurfing...Still, quite foofy. Sorry China, file these under "who cares".

Badminton (3)
Real or Fake: So, so fake
Prestige level: -2

Shuttlecock! 'Nuff said.

But seriously, even if you count Badminton as a real sport (Shuttlecock!), has there ever been a country that has been inspired to greatness because of their proud Badminton tradition?

Country A: We will march upon you and vanquish you all! None shall survive!

Country B: We will not die like dogs, but we will fight like lions!

Country A: Have you forgotten our proud tradition and skills in BADMINTON!!!!

Country B: FLEE!!!!!

Country A: Ready the shuttlecocks!!!!!!!

Yeah. No.

Men's gymnastics (7)
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige: 4/5

I've never understood why men's gymnastics isn't as popular as women's, but it's not. I will say this. China is just stinking good at men's gymnastics.

Women's gymnastics
Real or Fake: Real (sort of)
Prestige: 5/5

So, it's real, and it's prestigious, so why the "sort of"? STOP SENDING 12 YEAR OLDS TO COMPETE CHINA! NO ONE BELIEVES YOU! I WANT THOSE ATHLETES CARBON DATED! 12! 12! 12!

Trampoline (2)
Real or fake: Fake (sorry!)
Prestige: 1/5

I watched trampoline. It is amazing. It is also a fake event. If you are in a bar fight, bragging about your country's superiority, you never pull the "Look how amazing we are at trampoline!" card. That would be like a comic book nerd trying to pick up a hot chick by bragging up his complete collection of Star Trek: The Next Generation DVDs. It just isn't done. By the way, we have a trampoline in our backyard. If we own a trampoline, it cannot be an olympic sport.

Diving
Real or fake: Real
Prestige: 3/5

Diving is the chick flick of the olympics. Chicks love to watch, and guys, wanting to please their mates, follow along, not suffering too badly, but never admiting they'd watch it by themselves. Never would a guy say "Hey brah, I just saw 27 Dresses last weekend! It was sick! Catherine Heigl was the effing bomb!!!". Nor should countries brag about their diving prowess. Own it, but let it go.

Shooting (4)
Real or fake: Real guns, real. Air (read: bb) guns, fake.
Prestige: 2/5 for real guns, -1/5 for bb guns

Listen, if this were about real shooting, ain't nobody going to beat the U.S. In fact, I propose fully automatic shooting for the next olympics. We can recruit inner city youth, and I guarantee we would be tops in the world for London in 2012. Now, I was shocked to find out that shooting bb guns was an olympic sport. Sorry, ping pong and bb guns go hand in hand. What's the litmus test for this one? Does the 12 year old red-head on my block use a discus to shoot pigeons? No. Does he use an air (read: bb) gun to shoot them? Yes? Not an olympic sport.

So, yes, we will lose the gold medal count, but if anyone in the coming weeks following the olympics dares bring up how the U.S. lost this medal count to China, I have a retort for you.

Pedestrian A: Ha! The U.S. lost the gold medal count to Ch...
Pedestrian B: SHUTTLECOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crazy cat ladies are the best...

It's been a long time since I've found a blog that so goes above and beyond the standards of interweb excellence, but today, that search ended, when I found this little ditty:

http://www.catster.com/cats/581913/diary/Its_been_a_long_and_difficult_road_but_i_made_it

Yes, it is a blog, from the perspective of a cat. Crazy cat ladies have entered the blogosphere. The best part? It's name is Princess Kitty Smoosh Face. There are only 3 entries, but those three entries have affected me in profound ways.

Like helping me decide that I will never own a cat.

Wow, I have a blog???

Well, it's been a long time, and I have to say, after about a month of posting nothing, I'm happy that a few people are still even checking back. Sweet! I fully plan on doing a full fledged post, but to get back in the saddle I think the olympics deserve a mention. I'm actually pretty into them this year thanks to the modern miracle of DVRs. As much as I've enjoyed these games, there are some political questions to be answered. The first is a little bit more lighthearted, and comes to us via yahoo. It asks the question as to whether judges are being biased towards the home country:

http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/beijing/blog/fourth_place_medal/post/The-REAL-Olympic-medal-count?urn=oly,101537&cp=1#comments

For those to lazy to click a link:

Every judging break seems to have gone China's way during these Olympics. I'm
not suggesting a conspiracy, I just think that judges are humans who are
influenced by big names, fans and other external factors. Oh, and they're also
terrible. Judged events will always be viewed with skepticism by those who lose
for this reason, particularly those who lose to a member of the home delegation.
(Think Roy Jones Jr. at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.)

It is because of this skewed inconsistency that Fourth-Place Medal introduces The Real 2008 Medal Count. Our medal count will tally medals won in sports decided on the field of play, not by a judge in a teal blazer. The judged Olympic events we will ignore for our tally are: boxing, diving, equestrian, gymnastics, judo, taekwondo, trampoline and wrestling. We debated whether to include boxing, wrestling and the martial arts in the list, as they can be decided by competitors. However, because the
judging is prone to error and shenaningans, we will include it.

The Real 2008 Medal Count
China: 22 gold; 11 silver; 11 bronze
United States: 21 gold;
19 silver; 21 bronze

This second article is by one of my favorite essayists, formerly of Sports Illustrated and currently employed by ESPN, Rick Reilly. He highlights some of the glaring ways that China's poor human rights record has been swept under the rug for their "coming out party". And it's funny! The format doesn't permit me to reprint the the entire article, so just do yourself a favor and click here:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3542649


Anyways, I hope you're enjoying the olympics (MICHAEL FREAKIN' PHELPS!!!) as much as we are. Go U.S.A.!!!

A milestone, a dissenter, and all things batty...

I'm sorry, I have been geeked this entire weekend. I have been checking in frequently with boxofficeguru.com to see how the box office cume is doing, and it appears that TDK has outdone Spider-Man 3 (and rightfully so) as the all time first weekend box office champion. I'm glad that the slightly above average SM3 no longer holds that record, and to have my favorite super hero now stand as an all time giant at 155 million dollars, that's just nifty.

In light of this, however, I called one of my best buds to find that he hated the movie. While I was shocked, I checked out what he had to say, and while I don't agree with everything, his review is worth noting. You can check out and be linked from his own site:

http://gentlyhewstone.wordpress.com/

Or go directly to his review at:

http://www.bycommonconsent.com/2008/07/you-cant-fight-darkness-with-darkness/

I think it's refreshing to see a dissenting voice among all the praise being heaped upon the film, and the author's prose is always a joy to read, even when I don't agree. You can also see my response to his critique 29 comments down, if you are so inclined.

Of course, as a complete unapologetic fanboy, I cannot be more elated that The Dark Knight currently sits at #1 on the all time rankings over at IMDB.com. Godfather fans everywhere are throwing themselves out of windows as the website is hijacked by comic fans, batgeeks, and true fans of movie making. While I cannot believe that this will last, in the area of "Things that really don't matter", these are obviously good times for bat geeks everywhere.

Your expectations aren't high enough...

Review of The Dark Knight

Starring Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Gary Oldman, Aaron Eckhart, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Morgan Freeman

Directed by Christopher Nolan

Four out of Four stars

Leaving the theater, my wife made a confession to me. "This Batman is the first one that I've thought is hot." Indeed, I share her sentiments. No amount of hyperbole I heap upon this movie is enough. I will not try. I will be simple, and direct, and all I need you to do is to follow my directions, very, very carefully.

Go, and, see, this, movie.

Quickly, I will share why you should in a quick Q & A session.

Q: Is Heath Ledger's performance as good as everyone is saying it is?

A: Yes, there will not be a better performance by a male lead this year. He probably won't win the Oscar, but he should. You cannot understand until you see him.

Q: Continuing in the mold of Batman Begins, are certain aspects of the Batman mythos explained in ways that are nearly real-world plausible?

A: Yes, absolutely. Have you ever asked yourself the question how a psychopath like the Joker could amass a legion of followers? The Joker's methods will make it very plain in the first 15 minutes of the film.

Q: Does TDK continue the first film's penchant for eschewing CGI effects for real world stunts?

A: Absolutely, and thank Odin for it. Batman Begins was understated, nearly to a fault. This film brings back the seemingly lost art of real world stunts, and its all the more visceral because of it. What little CGI there is is used perfectly and in no way pulls you out of the action. There is an absolutely jaw dropping truck stunt that simply must be seen to be believed.

Q: Is TDK an action movie?

A: Yes.

Q: Is TDK a dark comedy?

A: At moments.

Q: Is TDK a tragedy?

A: Yes.

Q: Is TDK a horror film?

A: Yes.

Q: Should I take the kids?

A: No. No no no no no no no. No. I have a bag full of no for you here. Nolan spares us in many ways, but don't let any toy tie-ins fool you, you should not take any children 13 or under, or any children sensitive to frightening images. This is a movie that squeezes every bit of PG-13 out of it's overwhelmingly ominous overtones.

Q: Does Heath Ledger's Joker unseat Hannibal Lecter as the greatest cinematic villain of all time?

A: I'm going to go out on a limb here, and I will probably be mocked more profoundly than if I went on IMDB.com and said I didn't understand why The Godfather was so great, but I am going to say yes. I wish I could tell you why without spoiling the film, but I think that coupled with the tragic loss of Ledger, something about this performance is going to resonate very deeply with the zeitgeist of cinema aficionados and casual filmgoers as well. I think the Joker represents the seemingly random chaos of a world increasingly turned upside down and inside out by terrorists that, while professing an agenda, seem content to just hurt the U.S. because they have done it for so long, and because we represent something that they hate, long after they have forgotten why. Their motives seem about as authentic as the Joker's ever changing explanation for his scars.

Q: Is The Dark Knight the best superhero movie ever?

A: Yes. In this golden age of hurculean comic book blockbusters that are (gasp!) good, The Dark Knight stands out as something more transcendent. Dark, yet sprinkled with fleeting hope. Bleak, yet somehow beautiful. The Dark Knight is not a movie. It is art, in the hands of a masterful virtuoso in Chritopher Nolan. These types of movies don't get Oscar nods because the unwashed heathens heap untold millions to see them, but if this movie does not at least get an Oscar nod, I will be greatly disappointed. And yes, I am prepared to be disappointed.

Q: Any parting wisdom for someone planning on seeing this movie?

A: What you have to know, is that for many years, Tim Burton's Batman stood as my favorite film. It's noir-ish yet semi-campy take on the Caped Crusader was my initiation into summer hype, waiting in line to see a movie, owning all the pertinent merchandise, the list could go on and on. I owned several shirts, several toys, and my sixth grade year I spent my free time thinking about how one day, I could be a vigilante. Perhaps I am more excited for this film because, for how much childish nostalgia I harbor for my first Batman experience, I cannot tell you how elated I am to feel this excitement all over again for a film that is more atuned to adult tastes, yet is as unabashedly exciting as any popcorn thriller that has come down the pipes in recent years. Please, just go, and thank me later.

Final Question: Could Batman beat up Superman?

Answer: Yes. Not even close.

Hitting a bump in the road (or the night)

Review of New Moon

by Stephenie Meyer

Two of Four Stars

I am actually writing this review after having finished the third of what is slated to be four part series chronicling the adventures of Bella Swan and her vampire love muffin Edward Cullen. Sorry Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, but this winter, the premiere of Twilight has all salvos loaded, and the holocaust that this vampire love story is going to bring to bare on your notebook reading butts is going to make what the U.S. did to Nagasaki look like a kid knocking over a cabin made of lincoln logs.

Never mind that no adolescent nowadays will have not the faintest idea what lincoln logs are.

Yes, Twilight is the next event novel. Its rise may be a slower burn, but make no mistake, its crossover appeal between both paragons of moral virture (i.e. the Mormons) and it's undeniable appeal to emos (the new goth!) is going to make it a smashing success.

"So Mr. The House of Milo, why'd you wait to review this book?"

That's an excellent question Timmy! Let's get to the heart and soul of it.

I had to see if there was anything worth getting to. You see, for normal, well adjusted (generally) thirty somethings, slogging through the first two thirds of New Moon is going to be like walking barefoot through a room of rusty thumbtacks then letting your feet soak in in a vat of hydrogen peroxide for 2 hours. Okay, okay, maybe I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. A more apt analogy would be comparing New Moon to reading a soul crushingly bad teenage emo poem. And then reading another one. Then another one. Then another one. Until finally you're sitting in your room with your hair in your eyes listening to I'm Not Okay by My Chemical Romance on repeat until your fingernails turn black...

Because you PAINTED THEM THAT WAY!!!!!

New Moon starts out promising enough, with Bella, the klutz that she is, cutting herself open at a lavish birthday party thrown on her behalf by her adopted vampire family. Blood, as you can imagine, is quite the temptation for a family of vegan vamps. This, is the way you start a story!

This episode, however, convinces Edward that he must leave Bella.

What you say? Edward leaves? For a large portion of the book? Yes, and with him, much of what makes the Twilight books so good. Because no matter what some people will tell you, these books rise and fall with the dynamics of Bella and Vampy McGee, a.k.a. Edward. Without him, this book is a punch line to a joke about an emotional skater boy who wears girl pants that no one asked.

A large part of my criticism, however, can be swiftly sidestepped by one unbeatable argument. Ready for it? I'm a guy. While I'm not entirely convinced that Twilight was written with the singular purpose to connect with girly adolescents (and I'm launching a campaign with my male friends, mind you, to make sure I'm not the only guy to have read it) there are certain aspects to the story which will undoubtedly resonate more strongly with a female audience. That's the long and short of it. For every van crushing, torso ripping bit of awesomeness, there is some estrogen fueled claptrap that is, quite honestly, difficult to swallow. I can see how Bella's lonelinenss and despair after her velvety voiced Marble God (Edward) leaves might find a place in the hearts of cheerleading team rejects, but I couldn't deal with it.

New Moon is not without it's redeeming qualities. Indeed, another interesting character (not compelling mind you, interesting) is fleshed out in Jacob Black. If you're still awake, you'll figure out in about 2 minutes what he is. After reading Twilight, you should already know what he is. Again, women will no doubt appreciate how he heals Bella's heart after stone cold lover boy takes off. I didn't understand.

Oh yeah, the last third of the book is flippin' sweet too.

So what is New Moon? A somewhat necessary dip in the series that drags out over endless chapters what could have been for one man, taken care of in a chapter and a half. If you're going to read all of the books, however, don't skip, as there are (somewhat lamentably) details here that are crucial to your understanding and enjoyment of Eclipse. I guess that is one benefit to reading the next book before reviewing this one.

By the way, my wife just woke up from a nap. She told me as I was finishing this review that she had a dream that Edward died. If that isn't a sign of this being the next event novel, then I don't know what is.