Sunday, August 24, 2008

Another blog from a sore, lazy, American loser.

This link, my friends, is a blog that exposes how disappointing we here in the U.S. have performed this Olympics. Basically, we here in the U.S. like to count our total number of medals, while everyone who wants to champion the cause of the benevolent host country points to how horribly we've performed in the Gold medal count. You know what though?

What gold medals has China won? Can you name me two other Olympic events that they have won medals in other than anything having to do with 12, oh, whoops, I mean 16 year old gymnasts? Times up! Don't feel bad, I couldn't either, so I decided to look up China's gold medal count to see how many of them are real medals, and how many are "fake". Not sure what I mean? You'll see.

Women's Wrestling
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige level: 2/5

Personally, this is probably a real sport, but women's wrestling is way too scary to comprehend. When I was an assistant wrestling coach, you know what terrified the JV's more than anything? Having to be the wrestler to fight the girl. We can have women's wrestling, but we're really getting rid of women's softball? Hmmmmmm...

Table Tennis (4)
Real or Fake: VERY fake
Prestige level: -1

Now, you will run into people who will say "You don't understand! This sport is amazing! It requires nerves of steel, and lighting fast reflexes." Yeah. You can also play it drunk with your buddies in a garage on Saturday night, thus failing the litmus test of being a real sport. - 4 medals to the hosts. By the way, it's called PING fricking PONG.

Taekwondo, Fencing, Judo (3), Boxing (2)
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige Level: 4/5

These are all real, but I have to say, for being the country where the famed Shaolin Monks reside, I feel that China actually underperformed in the martial arts. C'mon China, step it up!

Men's weightlifting (4)
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige Level: 4/5

Real. Men lifting heavy things. Good

Women's weightlifting (4)
Real or Fake: Real (sort of)
Prestige level: 1/5

I only fear for their life after weightlifting. This is just wrong. Again, we can have women's weightlifting, but not women's softball? And as far as women's weightlifting goes, I actually count it as a victory for our country when we don't win a medal in this event. (Sorry to the female olympians who have, please don't crush me).

Archery, Sailing, Canoe/Kayak, Rowing
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige level: 1/5

Unless you're splitting arrows ala Robin Hood, I've never seen anyone set their DVRs to catch archery. And sailing? This is what John Kerry did to show America how "athletic" and "in touch" he was with the common man. Oh wait, that was windsurfing...Still, quite foofy. Sorry China, file these under "who cares".

Badminton (3)
Real or Fake: So, so fake
Prestige level: -2

Shuttlecock! 'Nuff said.

But seriously, even if you count Badminton as a real sport (Shuttlecock!), has there ever been a country that has been inspired to greatness because of their proud Badminton tradition?

Country A: We will march upon you and vanquish you all! None shall survive!

Country B: We will not die like dogs, but we will fight like lions!

Country A: Have you forgotten our proud tradition and skills in BADMINTON!!!!

Country B: FLEE!!!!!

Country A: Ready the shuttlecocks!!!!!!!

Yeah. No.

Men's gymnastics (7)
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige: 4/5

I've never understood why men's gymnastics isn't as popular as women's, but it's not. I will say this. China is just stinking good at men's gymnastics.

Women's gymnastics
Real or Fake: Real (sort of)
Prestige: 5/5

So, it's real, and it's prestigious, so why the "sort of"? STOP SENDING 12 YEAR OLDS TO COMPETE CHINA! NO ONE BELIEVES YOU! I WANT THOSE ATHLETES CARBON DATED! 12! 12! 12!

Trampoline (2)
Real or fake: Fake (sorry!)
Prestige: 1/5

I watched trampoline. It is amazing. It is also a fake event. If you are in a bar fight, bragging about your country's superiority, you never pull the "Look how amazing we are at trampoline!" card. That would be like a comic book nerd trying to pick up a hot chick by bragging up his complete collection of Star Trek: The Next Generation DVDs. It just isn't done. By the way, we have a trampoline in our backyard. If we own a trampoline, it cannot be an olympic sport.

Real or fake: Real
Prestige: 3/5

Diving is the chick flick of the olympics. Chicks love to watch, and guys, wanting to please their mates, follow along, not suffering too badly, but never admiting they'd watch it by themselves. Never would a guy say "Hey brah, I just saw 27 Dresses last weekend! It was sick! Catherine Heigl was the effing bomb!!!". Nor should countries brag about their diving prowess. Own it, but let it go.

Shooting (4)
Real or fake: Real guns, real. Air (read: bb) guns, fake.
Prestige: 2/5 for real guns, -1/5 for bb guns

Listen, if this were about real shooting, ain't nobody going to beat the U.S. In fact, I propose fully automatic shooting for the next olympics. We can recruit inner city youth, and I guarantee we would be tops in the world for London in 2012. Now, I was shocked to find out that shooting bb guns was an olympic sport. Sorry, ping pong and bb guns go hand in hand. What's the litmus test for this one? Does the 12 year old red-head on my block use a discus to shoot pigeons? No. Does he use an air (read: bb) gun to shoot them? Yes? Not an olympic sport.

So, yes, we will lose the gold medal count, but if anyone in the coming weeks following the olympics dares bring up how the U.S. lost this medal count to China, I have a retort for you.

Pedestrian A: Ha! The U.S. lost the gold medal count to Ch...
Pedestrian B: SHUTTLECOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Crazy cat ladies are the best...

It's been a long time since I've found a blog that so goes above and beyond the standards of interweb excellence, but today, that search ended, when I found this little ditty:

Yes, it is a blog, from the perspective of a cat. Crazy cat ladies have entered the blogosphere. The best part? It's name is Princess Kitty Smoosh Face. There are only 3 entries, but those three entries have affected me in profound ways.

Like helping me decide that I will never own a cat.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Wow, I have a blog???

Well, it's been a long time, and I have to say, after about a month of posting nothing, I'm happy that a few people are still even checking back. Sweet! I fully plan on doing a full fledged post, but to get back in the saddle I think the olympics deserve a mention. I'm actually pretty into them this year thanks to the modern miracle of DVRs. As much as I've enjoyed these games, there are some political questions to be answered. The first is a little bit more lighthearted, and comes to us via yahoo. It asks the question as to whether judges are being biased towards the home country:,101537&cp=1#comments

For those to lazy to click a link:

Every judging break seems to have gone China's way during these Olympics. I'm
not suggesting a conspiracy, I just think that judges are humans who are
influenced by big names, fans and other external factors. Oh, and they're also
terrible. Judged events will always be viewed with skepticism by those who lose
for this reason, particularly those who lose to a member of the home delegation.
(Think Roy Jones Jr. at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.)

It is because of this skewed inconsistency that Fourth-Place Medal introduces The Real 2008 Medal Count. Our medal count will tally medals won in sports decided on the field of play, not by a judge in a teal blazer. The judged Olympic events we will ignore for our tally are: boxing, diving, equestrian, gymnastics, judo, taekwondo, trampoline and wrestling. We debated whether to include boxing, wrestling and the martial arts in the list, as they can be decided by competitors. However, because the
judging is prone to error and shenaningans, we will include it.

The Real 2008 Medal Count
China: 22 gold; 11 silver; 11 bronze
United States: 21 gold;
19 silver; 21 bronze

This second article is by one of my favorite essayists, formerly of Sports Illustrated and currently employed by ESPN, Rick Reilly. He highlights some of the glaring ways that China's poor human rights record has been swept under the rug for their "coming out party". And it's funny! The format doesn't permit me to reprint the the entire article, so just do yourself a favor and click here:

Anyways, I hope you're enjoying the olympics (MICHAEL FREAKIN' PHELPS!!!) as much as we are. Go U.S.A.!!!