The Josh Stevens Foundation

It has been a very long time since since I have written here, but today I attended a presentation that was quite unexpected.  As an educator, four times a year we experience (are subjected to) staff development days, and today, I was quite unprepared for what happened.  A representative of the Josh Stevens Foundation came to speak with us.  Now, please understand, what I was prepared for was a guru, peddling their can't miss system for bettering student performance or some nonsense like that.  What I witnessed couldn't have been further from that.  This representative was actually the father of the foundation's namesake, a young man who was killed in a freak accident right before his 13th birthday.  As the father recounted the details, I couldn't have been more moved.  In the middle of my colleagues, hard as I tried not to, I cried.  And cried.  And then, just for good measure, cried a bit more.

It is basically a foundation that rewards students for random acts of kindness.  That's it.  Businesses donate the rewards which are usually in the form of gift certificates.  Staff members get shirts that advertise slogans for kindness, and are encouraged to try to sell shirts beyond those numbers, ostensibly, to help the organization purchase more shirts, publicize more, etc.

While I cannot vouch for this organization having just seen this presentation this morning, this father couldn't have been more sincere.  If there is some nefarious plot, I didn't see it.  I was quite taken by the message, simple and succinct; be kind.  In the end, really, what more is there?  So if you are a parent, give your kids a huge hug, tell them that you love them, and find some way to spoil them rotten today.  If you have a friend or loved one near, do the same.  The future is uncertain, but the kindness we show today may make all the difference in the life of someone you know and love.

so begins my move into the world of mobile blogging...

Immediately Watch: Burn Notice

I love 24. I'm not here to dog on it. But hear me out for a minute. You've seen, what, 5 or 6 seasons of it now, right? And you've heard every Jack Bauer joke (which are just derivitives of Chuck Norris jokes). AND you are watching this season, with satisfaction, but that unshakable feeling of having seen it before.

Sound like you? If not, navigate away. If it is, start watching Burn Notice now.

My brother in law turned me on to this show, and I was very skeptical. A cable series? Was I going to become one of those people? Yes, yes I was.

I don't really want to do an entire technical synopsis, so if you want the nitty gritty, check here. Michael Westen is a spy who uses his expertice to make money on odd jobs while trying to find out who burned him. He also serves as the shows narrator, explaining all the cool spy stuff he's doing. You should also know that Bruce Campbell (of Evil Dead and Army of Darkness fame) is his beer drinking best friend, and their chemistry is perfect.

The locale is fresh, the premise is fun and never too heavy, the plots are clever if not ingenious, and much like my previous post, this show is fun. I'm not telling you to drop 24 by any means, we're all happy Jack is back, but find a place to squeeze in Burn Notice. You'll thank me.

Immediately Listen To: Aquabats

If you want to listen to garbage, try Nickelback. If you want to listen weepy, emotional teenage wannabe rants, try your hand at any number of soundalike Emo bands. If you want pure, unadulterated joy, for the love of all that is good and holy, please listen to The Aquabats.

Now, I know I'm not introducing you to the hippest indie group, they've been making the rounds since I was in high school and shortly thereafter. But if you have never listened to them, they do one thing better than just about anyone; they have fun. They are fun. So much so, that they are actually involved in the Nick Jr. show "Yo Gabba Gabba".

I just got done listening to the amazing song "I fell asleep on my arm", which takes a wicked shot at pseudo-violent-hocked-up-on-energy-drink bands like the also-rans in Limp Bizkit. I was literally laughing out loud in my van as the singer screamed about how his arm was so numb. In a world with so much fake earnestness and overly-emotive whininess, I'd much rather have a good time. Aquabats are amazing. Listen now, or perish

Batman got Bat-robbed...

Just a quick vent that the true best movie of the year, The Dark Knight, will not win the Oscar. The Academy lost all credibility in nominating, yet again, a pretentious, unpopular slate of art house clap trap. But don't worry, in reminding us that they are so much better than us, Hollywood will continue to stroke its own ego, assuring us that it knows best, while The Dark Knight, the highest grossing film of the year, cannot be the best movie, because it was filled with action, and was popular.

I'm sure that ratings mean nothing to those who will attend L.A.'s once a year self-congratulatory yet, ultimately empty and vapid proceedings, but let me ask these questions. What other director exacted such fine performances from EVERY member of their cast, from the biggest names to the smallest supporting roles? Bale, legitimately, could have been nominated for even his performance. What movie will people remember from 2008? Forrest Gump II, I mean Benjamin Button? No.

And don't tell me that comic books can't be considered a powerful medium. Pick up copies of either "The Dark Knight Returns", "Watchmen", or "The Crow" and come and talk to me. If you can't find artistic merit in these, then you have some serious issues.

Oscars mean little. With this snub, they mean even less.

Part Of A Solution

The other day I was sitting around a table with a group of fellow educators and friends. We were discussing the 6% pay cut proposed by Governor Gibbons. While we each decided that it was going to close to impossible to take that, we all seemed very, very amenable as part of the solution to the budget crisis to accept a pay freeze in salary steps. This is what it's all about, right? Negotiating and give and take. I would be very surprised if other educators didn'nt feel the same way.

I just hope that this is a small example that we, as educators, are not a bunch of snarling, drooling nogoodniks, unwilling to make any type of concessions. Both sides need to come together to make this work.

My second open letter to Jim Gibbons

This is my second open letter to Jim Gibbons. Select the wording that best fits your feelings, and send it in.

Hey there, it’s me again. The last time we talked, you were embroiled in (a messy divorce / your fifth mistress / the impending repeal of COLAs given to state employees and educators / all of the above). I have to say, in the months since your leadership has been ( marginal at best / treading water / sinking faster than Box Office Grosses for “The Spirit”).

I’m writing to talk to you about this idea of cutting pay for state employees and educators by 6%. I’m sure that in your ( average / small / infinitesimally minute ) intellect, this is a good idea. After all, the private sector is feeling the pain, why shouldn’t those ( lazy / stupid / lazy and stupid ) teachers and public servants take a haircut? By the way, before I forget, thanks for the 120 million that is already projected to be cut from the district budget. We’ll get back to that later.

Well, here’s the thing Jimbo. Maybe you didn’t get the memo, but education doesn’t work exactly like the private sector. I’m no economist, but I’ll attempt to ( explain / use small, easily understood words / draw simplistic pictures ) for you, to help you contemplate exactly why your idea is (not good / terrible). As I understand it, because of the slowing economy, there is less work, and therefore, layoffs and pay cuts. I have friends who have experienced both, and let me tell you, I consider myself no better than them. In education, however, there is no slowing. In fact, with NCLB, more students than ever before, and increasing pressure to perform (all of this, in an environment with 120 million dollars less to work with, thank you very much) next year is going to be really hopping with work. More work for less pay? That doesn’t make sense.

Here’s my alternate proposal. Let’s make education work like business! We’ll take the pay cut, but let’s turn away 6% of the students next year! I mean, the economy is bad, let’s just tell those parents “Sorry, it’s tough for everyone right now.” We can even get some of those kids, quite a few of which will be at-risk, no doubt, some weapons training, and we can speed them along on a life of knocking over 7-11’s. If we do that, we won’t even have to decrease pay for police. Heck in a hand basket, they will be plenty busy, believe you me. By the way, if anyone needs to renew their registration, we can just turn 6% of people away from the DMV. Or respond to 6% fewer calls for police. Sorry, I don’t know everyone who is on the state payroll, but you get the idea.

In closing Jimmy, you are (a jackass / a huge jackass / the hugest jackass). Let’s stop looking to put the brunt of the State’s problems (due in no small part to shortsighted leadership) on one segment of the population, and discuss some real solutions.

Say hi to (the misses / the mistresses), and we’ll talk to you as soon as your leadership brings us to our inevitable next crisis.

(Your name here)

Jim Gibbons is ready for another letter...

We're all feeling the crunch of the economic downturn. So, I guess I wasn't at all surprised when I read this article in the online edition of the Las Vegas Sun:

http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2009/jan/09/teacher-salaries-gibbons-cross-hairs/

"Carson City — Gov. Jim Gibbons will propose state workers, schoolteachers and university employees take a 6 percent pay cut in the budget he will unveil next week, according to sources with knowledge of the plan.

The move is part of a spending plan that Gibbons’ staff has admitted will be painful to enact, but one that keeps the governor’s pledge not to raise taxes."

Now, being an educator, you'd probably think that this would be the point that I start spewing vitriol about how underpaid teachers are, how devastating this would be, etc. etc. However, I can definitely see both sides of the argument. Check out the comments from that article and thread, there are good and bad ideas from both sides. I will say this. Personally, I believe education can take some ques from business, but inherently, the enterprise is different. While business is slowing, necessitating layoffs/pay cuts, there is no commensurate slowing of what we do in education. In fact, with the 120 million that will be slashed in CCSD's budget next year, that is almost assuredly more work for teachers for less pay. However, having already seen several of my friends take paycuts, I do know I'm no better than them.

On a personal note, I do believe that we do not need to quibble about whether Gibbons is governing the state of Nevada from the left or the right. I have no doubt his executive decisions come straight from the center, with his head firmly rooted up his...well, you know. I feel another letter coming on...

Well, you can't spell BCS without BS!

Ah, the voters have voted, and once again, the American public has been cheated out of a true national champion in college football. Regardless of what you think about the Mountain West conference, those so-called "power" conferences scheduled just as many cream puffs, were populated with just as many bad teams (Big East and Big Ten, I'm looking DIRECTLY at you) and the MWC doesn't have the luxury of huge viewership and the incredible hype of network deals. In fact, if you don't think those big network types aren't hyping those conferences they have contracts with, you are sadly mistaken. By the way, take away the hype, and Utah is the TRUE #1. And this is coming from a devoted BYU fan.

Some thoughts I have gleaned from the internet over this. One of the funniest posts I found comes from another blogspot blog:

http://taxmanblog.blogspot.com/2009/01/utah-1.html

"I think the system works fine.

Regards,

Figure Skating"

I think the best argument for Utah as #1 comes from one of my favorite sports writers Rick Reilly, formerly of Sports Illustrated, now with ESPN.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3815656

"Argue with this, please. I beg you. Find me anybody else that went undefeated. Thirteen-and-zero. Beat four ranked teams. Went to the Deep South and seal-clubbed Alabama in the Sugar Bowl. The same Alabama that was ranked No. 1 for five weeks. The same Alabama that went undefeated in the regular season. The same Alabama that Florida beat in order to get INTO the BCS Championship game in the first place."

And what do I think? The BCS is entirely responsible for our economic downturn. Replace it. Now.

Quick Hits and Random Thoughts

1. A while back I called for a boycott of Starbucks coffee regarding their president's sale of the Seattle Sonics to a group fully intending to move it from Seattle. Starbucks profits were something like 150 million last year. This year, 5 million. I'd like to thank my readers, as the House of Milo claims a victory over evil.

2. Why do people keep giving Norv Turner head coaching gigs? Is his record anywhere above .500 as a head coach? Note to NFL teams, Turner is a great offensive coordinator, and a poor head coach.

3. Charlie Weis. Offensive guru. Not quite so much without Belichick's camera crew stealing defensive signals, is he?

A new blog!

Yeah, as The House of Milo has laid dormant for some months now, I invite you to check out yet another project (if anyone is still even checking this anymore).

guidetostuffmormonslike.blogspot.com

My good friend Jamie and myself are taking on this highly important discussion, to delve into the depths of stuff that Mormons like. Both being Mormon, we hope to one day be regarded as the foremost experts in the field, and hopefully some day recieve honorary doctorates in the field.

Enjoy!

Another blog from a sore, lazy, American loser.

http://www.mcclatchydc.com/world/story/49891.html

This link, my friends, is a blog that exposes how disappointing we here in the U.S. have performed this Olympics. Basically, we here in the U.S. like to count our total number of medals, while everyone who wants to champion the cause of the benevolent host country points to how horribly we've performed in the Gold medal count. You know what though?

What gold medals has China won? Can you name me two other Olympic events that they have won medals in other than anything having to do with 12, oh, whoops, I mean 16 year old gymnasts? Times up! Don't feel bad, I couldn't either, so I decided to look up China's gold medal count to see how many of them are real medals, and how many are "fake". Not sure what I mean? You'll see.

Women's Wrestling
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige level: 2/5

Personally, this is probably a real sport, but women's wrestling is way too scary to comprehend. When I was an assistant wrestling coach, you know what terrified the JV's more than anything? Having to be the wrestler to fight the girl. We can have women's wrestling, but we're really getting rid of women's softball? Hmmmmmm...

Table Tennis (4)
Real or Fake: VERY fake
Prestige level: -1

Now, you will run into people who will say "You don't understand! This sport is amazing! It requires nerves of steel, and lighting fast reflexes." Yeah. You can also play it drunk with your buddies in a garage on Saturday night, thus failing the litmus test of being a real sport. - 4 medals to the hosts. By the way, it's called PING fricking PONG.

Taekwondo, Fencing, Judo (3), Boxing (2)
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige Level: 4/5

These are all real, but I have to say, for being the country where the famed Shaolin Monks reside, I feel that China actually underperformed in the martial arts. C'mon China, step it up!

Men's weightlifting (4)
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige Level: 4/5

Real. Men lifting heavy things. Good

Women's weightlifting (4)
Real or Fake: Real (sort of)
Prestige level: 1/5

I only fear for their life after weightlifting. This is just wrong. Again, we can have women's weightlifting, but not women's softball? And as far as women's weightlifting goes, I actually count it as a victory for our country when we don't win a medal in this event. (Sorry to the female olympians who have, please don't crush me).

Archery, Sailing, Canoe/Kayak, Rowing
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige level: 1/5

Unless you're splitting arrows ala Robin Hood, I've never seen anyone set their DVRs to catch archery. And sailing? This is what John Kerry did to show America how "athletic" and "in touch" he was with the common man. Oh wait, that was windsurfing...Still, quite foofy. Sorry China, file these under "who cares".

Badminton (3)
Real or Fake: So, so fake
Prestige level: -2

Shuttlecock! 'Nuff said.

But seriously, even if you count Badminton as a real sport (Shuttlecock!), has there ever been a country that has been inspired to greatness because of their proud Badminton tradition?

Country A: We will march upon you and vanquish you all! None shall survive!

Country B: We will not die like dogs, but we will fight like lions!

Country A: Have you forgotten our proud tradition and skills in BADMINTON!!!!

Country B: FLEE!!!!!

Country A: Ready the shuttlecocks!!!!!!!

Yeah. No.

Men's gymnastics (7)
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige: 4/5

I've never understood why men's gymnastics isn't as popular as women's, but it's not. I will say this. China is just stinking good at men's gymnastics.

Women's gymnastics
Real or Fake: Real (sort of)
Prestige: 5/5

So, it's real, and it's prestigious, so why the "sort of"? STOP SENDING 12 YEAR OLDS TO COMPETE CHINA! NO ONE BELIEVES YOU! I WANT THOSE ATHLETES CARBON DATED! 12! 12! 12!

Trampoline (2)
Real or fake: Fake (sorry!)
Prestige: 1/5

I watched trampoline. It is amazing. It is also a fake event. If you are in a bar fight, bragging about your country's superiority, you never pull the "Look how amazing we are at trampoline!" card. That would be like a comic book nerd trying to pick up a hot chick by bragging up his complete collection of Star Trek: The Next Generation DVDs. It just isn't done. By the way, we have a trampoline in our backyard. If we own a trampoline, it cannot be an olympic sport.

Diving
Real or fake: Real
Prestige: 3/5

Diving is the chick flick of the olympics. Chicks love to watch, and guys, wanting to please their mates, follow along, not suffering too badly, but never admiting they'd watch it by themselves. Never would a guy say "Hey brah, I just saw 27 Dresses last weekend! It was sick! Catherine Heigl was the effing bomb!!!". Nor should countries brag about their diving prowess. Own it, but let it go.

Shooting (4)
Real or fake: Real guns, real. Air (read: bb) guns, fake.
Prestige: 2/5 for real guns, -1/5 for bb guns

Listen, if this were about real shooting, ain't nobody going to beat the U.S. In fact, I propose fully automatic shooting for the next olympics. We can recruit inner city youth, and I guarantee we would be tops in the world for London in 2012. Now, I was shocked to find out that shooting bb guns was an olympic sport. Sorry, ping pong and bb guns go hand in hand. What's the litmus test for this one? Does the 12 year old red-head on my block use a discus to shoot pigeons? No. Does he use an air (read: bb) gun to shoot them? Yes? Not an olympic sport.

So, yes, we will lose the gold medal count, but if anyone in the coming weeks following the olympics dares bring up how the U.S. lost this medal count to China, I have a retort for you.

Pedestrian A: Ha! The U.S. lost the gold medal count to Ch...
Pedestrian B: SHUTTLECOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crazy cat ladies are the best...

It's been a long time since I've found a blog that so goes above and beyond the standards of interweb excellence, but today, that search ended, when I found this little ditty:

http://www.catster.com/cats/581913/diary/Its_been_a_long_and_difficult_road_but_i_made_it

Yes, it is a blog, from the perspective of a cat. Crazy cat ladies have entered the blogosphere. The best part? It's name is Princess Kitty Smoosh Face. There are only 3 entries, but those three entries have affected me in profound ways.

Like helping me decide that I will never own a cat.

Wow, I have a blog???

Well, it's been a long time, and I have to say, after about a month of posting nothing, I'm happy that a few people are still even checking back. Sweet! I fully plan on doing a full fledged post, but to get back in the saddle I think the olympics deserve a mention. I'm actually pretty into them this year thanks to the modern miracle of DVRs. As much as I've enjoyed these games, there are some political questions to be answered. The first is a little bit more lighthearted, and comes to us via yahoo. It asks the question as to whether judges are being biased towards the home country:

http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/beijing/blog/fourth_place_medal/post/The-REAL-Olympic-medal-count?urn=oly,101537&cp=1#comments

For those to lazy to click a link:

Every judging break seems to have gone China's way during these Olympics. I'm
not suggesting a conspiracy, I just think that judges are humans who are
influenced by big names, fans and other external factors. Oh, and they're also
terrible. Judged events will always be viewed with skepticism by those who lose
for this reason, particularly those who lose to a member of the home delegation.
(Think Roy Jones Jr. at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.)

It is because of this skewed inconsistency that Fourth-Place Medal introduces The Real 2008 Medal Count. Our medal count will tally medals won in sports decided on the field of play, not by a judge in a teal blazer. The judged Olympic events we will ignore for our tally are: boxing, diving, equestrian, gymnastics, judo, taekwondo, trampoline and wrestling. We debated whether to include boxing, wrestling and the martial arts in the list, as they can be decided by competitors. However, because the
judging is prone to error and shenaningans, we will include it.

The Real 2008 Medal Count
China: 22 gold; 11 silver; 11 bronze
United States: 21 gold;
19 silver; 21 bronze

This second article is by one of my favorite essayists, formerly of Sports Illustrated and currently employed by ESPN, Rick Reilly. He highlights some of the glaring ways that China's poor human rights record has been swept under the rug for their "coming out party". And it's funny! The format doesn't permit me to reprint the the entire article, so just do yourself a favor and click here:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3542649


Anyways, I hope you're enjoying the olympics (MICHAEL FREAKIN' PHELPS!!!) as much as we are. Go U.S.A.!!!

A milestone, a dissenter, and all things batty...

I'm sorry, I have been geeked this entire weekend. I have been checking in frequently with boxofficeguru.com to see how the box office cume is doing, and it appears that TDK has outdone Spider-Man 3 (and rightfully so) as the all time first weekend box office champion. I'm glad that the slightly above average SM3 no longer holds that record, and to have my favorite super hero now stand as an all time giant at 155 million dollars, that's just nifty.

In light of this, however, I called one of my best buds to find that he hated the movie. While I was shocked, I checked out what he had to say, and while I don't agree with everything, his review is worth noting. You can check out and be linked from his own site:

http://gentlyhewstone.wordpress.com/

Or go directly to his review at:

http://www.bycommonconsent.com/2008/07/you-cant-fight-darkness-with-darkness/

I think it's refreshing to see a dissenting voice among all the praise being heaped upon the film, and the author's prose is always a joy to read, even when I don't agree. You can also see my response to his critique 29 comments down, if you are so inclined.

Of course, as a complete unapologetic fanboy, I cannot be more elated that The Dark Knight currently sits at #1 on the all time rankings over at IMDB.com. Godfather fans everywhere are throwing themselves out of windows as the website is hijacked by comic fans, batgeeks, and true fans of movie making. While I cannot believe that this will last, in the area of "Things that really don't matter", these are obviously good times for bat geeks everywhere.

Your expectations aren't high enough...

Review of The Dark Knight

Starring Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Gary Oldman, Aaron Eckhart, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Morgan Freeman

Directed by Christopher Nolan

Four out of Four stars

Leaving the theater, my wife made a confession to me. "This Batman is the first one that I've thought is hot." Indeed, I share her sentiments. No amount of hyperbole I heap upon this movie is enough. I will not try. I will be simple, and direct, and all I need you to do is to follow my directions, very, very carefully.

Go, and, see, this, movie.

Quickly, I will share why you should in a quick Q & A session.

Q: Is Heath Ledger's performance as good as everyone is saying it is?

A: Yes, there will not be a better performance by a male lead this year. He probably won't win the Oscar, but he should. You cannot understand until you see him.

Q: Continuing in the mold of Batman Begins, are certain aspects of the Batman mythos explained in ways that are nearly real-world plausible?

A: Yes, absolutely. Have you ever asked yourself the question how a psychopath like the Joker could amass a legion of followers? The Joker's methods will make it very plain in the first 15 minutes of the film.

Q: Does TDK continue the first film's penchant for eschewing CGI effects for real world stunts?

A: Absolutely, and thank Odin for it. Batman Begins was understated, nearly to a fault. This film brings back the seemingly lost art of real world stunts, and its all the more visceral because of it. What little CGI there is is used perfectly and in no way pulls you out of the action. There is an absolutely jaw dropping truck stunt that simply must be seen to be believed.

Q: Is TDK an action movie?

A: Yes.

Q: Is TDK a dark comedy?

A: At moments.

Q: Is TDK a tragedy?

A: Yes.

Q: Is TDK a horror film?

A: Yes.

Q: Should I take the kids?

A: No. No no no no no no no. No. I have a bag full of no for you here. Nolan spares us in many ways, but don't let any toy tie-ins fool you, you should not take any children 13 or under, or any children sensitive to frightening images. This is a movie that squeezes every bit of PG-13 out of it's overwhelmingly ominous overtones.

Q: Does Heath Ledger's Joker unseat Hannibal Lecter as the greatest cinematic villain of all time?

A: I'm going to go out on a limb here, and I will probably be mocked more profoundly than if I went on IMDB.com and said I didn't understand why The Godfather was so great, but I am going to say yes. I wish I could tell you why without spoiling the film, but I think that coupled with the tragic loss of Ledger, something about this performance is going to resonate very deeply with the zeitgeist of cinema aficionados and casual filmgoers as well. I think the Joker represents the seemingly random chaos of a world increasingly turned upside down and inside out by terrorists that, while professing an agenda, seem content to just hurt the U.S. because they have done it for so long, and because we represent something that they hate, long after they have forgotten why. Their motives seem about as authentic as the Joker's ever changing explanation for his scars.

Q: Is The Dark Knight the best superhero movie ever?

A: Yes. In this golden age of hurculean comic book blockbusters that are (gasp!) good, The Dark Knight stands out as something more transcendent. Dark, yet sprinkled with fleeting hope. Bleak, yet somehow beautiful. The Dark Knight is not a movie. It is art, in the hands of a masterful virtuoso in Chritopher Nolan. These types of movies don't get Oscar nods because the unwashed heathens heap untold millions to see them, but if this movie does not at least get an Oscar nod, I will be greatly disappointed. And yes, I am prepared to be disappointed.

Q: Any parting wisdom for someone planning on seeing this movie?

A: What you have to know, is that for many years, Tim Burton's Batman stood as my favorite film. It's noir-ish yet semi-campy take on the Caped Crusader was my initiation into summer hype, waiting in line to see a movie, owning all the pertinent merchandise, the list could go on and on. I owned several shirts, several toys, and my sixth grade year I spent my free time thinking about how one day, I could be a vigilante. Perhaps I am more excited for this film because, for how much childish nostalgia I harbor for my first Batman experience, I cannot tell you how elated I am to feel this excitement all over again for a film that is more atuned to adult tastes, yet is as unabashedly exciting as any popcorn thriller that has come down the pipes in recent years. Please, just go, and thank me later.

Final Question: Could Batman beat up Superman?

Answer: Yes. Not even close.

Hitting a bump in the road (or the night)

Review of New Moon

by Stephenie Meyer

Two of Four Stars

I am actually writing this review after having finished the third of what is slated to be four part series chronicling the adventures of Bella Swan and her vampire love muffin Edward Cullen. Sorry Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, but this winter, the premiere of Twilight has all salvos loaded, and the holocaust that this vampire love story is going to bring to bare on your notebook reading butts is going to make what the U.S. did to Nagasaki look like a kid knocking over a cabin made of lincoln logs.

Never mind that no adolescent nowadays will have not the faintest idea what lincoln logs are.

Yes, Twilight is the next event novel. Its rise may be a slower burn, but make no mistake, its crossover appeal between both paragons of moral virture (i.e. the Mormons) and it's undeniable appeal to emos (the new goth!) is going to make it a smashing success.

"So Mr. The House of Milo, why'd you wait to review this book?"

That's an excellent question Timmy! Let's get to the heart and soul of it.

I had to see if there was anything worth getting to. You see, for normal, well adjusted (generally) thirty somethings, slogging through the first two thirds of New Moon is going to be like walking barefoot through a room of rusty thumbtacks then letting your feet soak in in a vat of hydrogen peroxide for 2 hours. Okay, okay, maybe I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. A more apt analogy would be comparing New Moon to reading a soul crushingly bad teenage emo poem. And then reading another one. Then another one. Then another one. Until finally you're sitting in your room with your hair in your eyes listening to I'm Not Okay by My Chemical Romance on repeat until your fingernails turn black...

Because you PAINTED THEM THAT WAY!!!!!

New Moon starts out promising enough, with Bella, the klutz that she is, cutting herself open at a lavish birthday party thrown on her behalf by her adopted vampire family. Blood, as you can imagine, is quite the temptation for a family of vegan vamps. This, is the way you start a story!

This episode, however, convinces Edward that he must leave Bella.

What you say? Edward leaves? For a large portion of the book? Yes, and with him, much of what makes the Twilight books so good. Because no matter what some people will tell you, these books rise and fall with the dynamics of Bella and Vampy McGee, a.k.a. Edward. Without him, this book is a punch line to a joke about an emotional skater boy who wears girl pants that no one asked.

A large part of my criticism, however, can be swiftly sidestepped by one unbeatable argument. Ready for it? I'm a guy. While I'm not entirely convinced that Twilight was written with the singular purpose to connect with girly adolescents (and I'm launching a campaign with my male friends, mind you, to make sure I'm not the only guy to have read it) there are certain aspects to the story which will undoubtedly resonate more strongly with a female audience. That's the long and short of it. For every van crushing, torso ripping bit of awesomeness, there is some estrogen fueled claptrap that is, quite honestly, difficult to swallow. I can see how Bella's lonelinenss and despair after her velvety voiced Marble God (Edward) leaves might find a place in the hearts of cheerleading team rejects, but I couldn't deal with it.

New Moon is not without it's redeeming qualities. Indeed, another interesting character (not compelling mind you, interesting) is fleshed out in Jacob Black. If you're still awake, you'll figure out in about 2 minutes what he is. After reading Twilight, you should already know what he is. Again, women will no doubt appreciate how he heals Bella's heart after stone cold lover boy takes off. I didn't understand.

Oh yeah, the last third of the book is flippin' sweet too.

So what is New Moon? A somewhat necessary dip in the series that drags out over endless chapters what could have been for one man, taken care of in a chapter and a half. If you're going to read all of the books, however, don't skip, as there are (somewhat lamentably) details here that are crucial to your understanding and enjoyment of Eclipse. I guess that is one benefit to reading the next book before reviewing this one.

By the way, my wife just woke up from a nap. She told me as I was finishing this review that she had a dream that Edward died. If that isn't a sign of this being the next event novel, then I don't know what is.

How I helped the Celtics win a championship

You know, a couple of weeks have passed since the Boston Celtics memorably dismantled Kobe Bryant's L.A. Lakers to win the NBA Finals. Did you know, however, that I helped them. Probably not, this is the secret story that ESPN doesn't want you to know, and the major media outlets won't disseminate.

Exhibit #1


Sports Illustrated ran this cover following the Celtics win:

Note, it says, "How Danny Ainge revived a great franchise." Not KG, not Paul Pierce, not Ray Allen. Danny Ainge. That's right. P.S., he's Mormon.

Okay, exhibit #2:

This is taken from a prgram that I happened to find in a mountain of memorabilia that I have. When I was back at BYU, for two seasons I worked as an usher courtside at the Cougars home basketball games. I happened to be working when Danny Ainge had his jersey retired. Well, on top of that, he was sitting about 10 feet away from me the whole time. Now, I like Danny Ainge. Mormon hoopster, the preeminent player in BYU history (sorry Shawn Bradley), a key piece in the Celtics championship teams, a one time Phoenix Suns player and coach. How could I pass up the opportunity? Yes, I became one of those annoying autograph hounds, but I had the perfect piece of memorabilia, and opportunity. I hope it's my last time ever. I walked over to him, and humbly told him I was a big fan (ugh), and he graciously, if somewhat bemusedly, signed my program.

Let me ask you this. How many championships did Danny Ainge win as a G.M. before I got his signature, hmmmm??? Yeah, that's what I thought. None.

The House Of Milo claims part of the Celtics championship for partial albino dreamers everywhere.

An open letter to Jim Gibbons

With the impending fight to repeal cost of living allowances for state employees about to kickoff this Friday here in good ol’ Nevada, I’m being bombarded with sample letters to send to state representatives and leadership. I haven’t found one, however, that has contained the appropriate tone, and therefore, I decided to create a “choose your own letter” so that anyone struggling with just the right words for Governor Gibbons can strike just the right chord. Enjoy.

Governor Gibbons,
(Greetings / Hello there! / Rot in hell!) I am a humble teacher in the Clark County School District here in Southern Nevada, which by the time you read this will be the (fifth largest school district in the nation / fourth largest district in the nation / wait a minute, four students just walked into my class).

As you can tell by my (concerned / incendiary / vitriolic) tone, I am writing to you in response to your (short sighted / asinine / !@#$@#% stupid) attempt to repeal the four percent cost of living allowance that we, the (humble / pissed off) public servants of the state were scheduled to get. Now, Governor Gibbons, with (all due respect / a burning hatred that will endure the scorching heat of Hades), I’m not going to talk dollars and cents with you, because (I wouldn’t understand it / you wouldn’t understand it), but there has to be a better way, doesn’t there? I even voted for you, something that many people wouldn’t even own up to now.

I have to say your questionable decisions in the time that you’ve been in office have caused me to (question my decision / cry myself to sleep / flagellate myself with a whip Opus Dei style!) daily. I know that in your eyes educators are (noble in thought and deed / lazy nogoodniks) but your actions (are not consistent with your campaign promises to be education minded / make you look like a simpleton and an idiot).

On a personal note, I hope that your divorce proceedings are (going well / going poorly / giving you what you so richly deserve). Please give my regards to (your mistress / your ex-wife / your other mistress).

In closing, I would just like to say (please do the right thing and keep the COLAs we were promised / good luck getting re-elected / please don’t get drunk and beat any women in any parking garages). Seriously.

With (sincere regards for your political future / a hope that we will make it above the poverty line next year! / a burning rage that makes Naomi Campbell look like Mother Theresa.)

Your Name Here

Yeah, I have another blog...

Anyone who is a regular reader (there's two of you, to clarify) might like to check out another blog I'm running. You can find it at:

www.passingfaithalong.blogspot.com

You'll find the tone there decidedly more reverent. Many of my friends are Mormon, but many are not, and I designed this page to share more of my spiritual side. I hope it will become a place for people to ask questions that they might not in other forums, but it's also a reminder that as wacky a guy as I am (read my Paris Hilton review) it is truly my faith that has brought me a ridiculous amount of joy to my life. I'll post the link permanently eventually, and no, there isn't much there yet. I wouldn't be surprised to see some more postings over here at The House explore religious questions as well. Plus, there's pictures of my family over there for anyone thinking they aren't well represented over here (I'm just protecting the innocent!).

Anyways, I hope you enjoy:-)