The House of Milo

The Josh Stevens Foundation

2010-02-19T17:25:00.000-08:00

It has been a very long time since since I have written here, but today I attended a presentation that was quite unexpected. As an educator, four times a year we experience (are subjected to) staff development days, and today, I was quite unprepared for what happened. A representative of the Josh Stevens Foundation came to speak with us. Now, please understand, what I was prepared for was a guru, peddling their can't miss system for bettering student performance or some nonsense like that. What I witnessed couldn't have been further from that. This representative was actually the father of the foundation's namesake, a young man who was killed in a freak accident right before his 13th birthday. As the father recounted the details, I couldn't have been more moved. In the middle of my colleagues, hard as I tried not to, I cried. And cried. And then, just for good measure, cried a bit more.

It is basically a foundation that rewards students for random acts of kindness. That's it. Businesses donate the rewards which are usually in the form of gift certificates. Staff members get shirts that advertise slogans for kindness, and are encouraged to try to sell shirts beyond those numbers, ostensibly, to help the organization purchase more shirts, publicize more, etc.

While I cannot vouch for this organization having just seen this presentation this morning, this father couldn't have been more sincere. If there is some nefarious plot, I didn't see it. I was quite taken by the message, simple and succinct; be kind. In the end, really, what more is there? So if you are a parent, give your kids a huge hug, tell them that you love them, and find some way to spoil them rotten today. If you have a friend or loved one near, do the same. The future is uncertain, but the kindness we show today may make all the difference in the life of someone you know and love.

2009-10-06T16:45:00.001-07:00

so begins my move into the world of mobile blogging...

Immediately Watch: Burn Notice

2009-02-19T20:40:00.001-08:00

I love 24. I'm not here to dog on it. But hear me out for a minute. You've seen, what, 5 or 6 seasons of it now, right? And you've heard every Jack Bauer joke (which are just derivitives of Chuck Norris jokes). AND you are watching this season, with satisfaction, but that unshakable feeling of having seen it before.

Sound like you? If not, navigate away. If it is, start watching Burn Notice now.

My brother in law turned me on to this show, and I was very skeptical. A cable series? Was I going to become one of those people? Yes, yes I was.

I don't really want to do an entire technical synopsis, so if you want the nitty gritty, check here. Michael Westen is a spy who uses his expertice to make money on odd jobs while trying to find out who burned him. He also serves as the shows narrator, explaining all the cool spy stuff he's doing. You should also know that Bruce Campbell (of Evil Dead and Army of Darkness fame) is his beer drinking best friend, and their chemistry is perfect.

The locale is fresh, the premise is fun and never too heavy, the plots are clever if not ingenious, and much like my previous post, this show is fun. I'm not telling you to drop 24 by any means, we're all happy Jack is back, but find a place to squeeze in Burn Notice. You'll thank me.

Immediately Listen To: Aquabats

2009-02-19T20:20:00.000-08:00

If you want to listen to garbage, try Nickelback. If you want to listen weepy, emotional teenage wannabe rants, try your hand at any number of soundalike Emo bands. If you want pure, unadulterated joy, for the love of all that is good and holy, please listen to The Aquabats.

Now, I know I'm not introducing you to the hippest indie group, they've been making the rounds since I was in high school and shortly thereafter. But if you have never listened to them, they do one thing better than just about anyone; they have fun. They are fun. So much so, that they are actually involved in the Nick Jr. show "Yo Gabba Gabba".

I just got done listening to the amazing song "I fell asleep on my arm", which takes a wicked shot at pseudo-violent-hocked-up-on-energy-drink bands like the also-rans in Limp Bizkit. I was literally laughing out loud in my van as the singer screamed about how his arm was so numb. In a world with so much fake earnestness and overly-emotive whininess, I'd much rather have a good time. Aquabats are amazing. Listen now, or perish

Batman got Bat-robbed...

2009-01-22T19:57:00.001-08:00

Just a quick vent that the true best movie of the year, The Dark Knight, will not win the Oscar. The Academy lost all credibility in nominating, yet again, a pretentious, unpopular slate of art house clap trap. But don't worry, in reminding us that they are so much better than us, Hollywood will continue to stroke its own ego, assuring us that it knows best, while The Dark Knight, the highest grossing film of the year, cannot be the best movie, because it was filled with action, and was popular.

I'm sure that ratings mean nothing to those who will attend L.A.'s once a year self-congratulatory yet, ultimately empty and vapid proceedings, but let me ask these questions. What other director exacted such fine performances from EVERY member of their cast, from the biggest names to the smallest supporting roles? Bale, legitimately, could have been nominated for even his performance. What movie will people remember from 2008? Forrest Gump II, I mean Benjamin Button? No.

And don't tell me that comic books can't be considered a powerful medium. Pick up copies of either "The Dark Knight Returns", "Watchmen", or "The Crow" and come and talk to me. If you can't find artistic merit in these, then you have some serious issues.

Oscars mean little. With this snub, they mean even less.

Part Of A Solution

2009-01-18T20:19:00.000-08:00

The other day I was sitting around a table with a group of fellow educators and friends. We were discussing the 6% pay cut proposed by Governor Gibbons. While we each decided that it was going to close to impossible to take that, we all seemed very, very amenable as part of the solution to the budget crisis to accept a pay freeze in salary steps. This is what it's all about, right? Negotiating and give and take. I would be very surprised if other educators didn'nt feel the same way.

I just hope that this is a small example that we, as educators, are not a bunch of snarling, drooling nogoodniks, unwilling to make any type of concessions. Both sides need to come together to make this work.

My second open letter to Jim Gibbons

2009-01-13T14:27:00.000-08:00

This is my second open letter to Jim Gibbons. Select the wording that best fits your feelings, and send it in.

Hey there, it’s me again. The last time we talked, you were embroiled in (a messy divorce / your fifth mistress / the impending repeal of COLAs given to state employees and educators / all of the above). I have to say, in the months since your leadership has been ( marginal at best / treading water / sinking faster than Box Office Grosses for “The Spirit”).

I’m writing to talk to you about this idea of cutting pay for state employees and educators by 6%. I’m sure that in your ( average / small / infinitesimally minute ) intellect, this is a good idea. After all, the private sector is feeling the pain, why shouldn’t those ( lazy / stupid / lazy and stupid ) teachers and public servants take a haircut? By the way, before I forget, thanks for the 120 million that is already projected to be cut from the district budget. We’ll get back to that later.

Well, here’s the thing Jimbo. Maybe you didn’t get the memo, but education doesn’t work exactly like the private sector. I’m no economist, but I’ll attempt to ( explain / use small, easily understood words / draw simplistic pictures ) for you, to help you contemplate exactly why your idea is (not good / terrible). As I understand it, because of the slowing economy, there is less work, and therefore, layoffs and pay cuts. I have friends who have experienced both, and let me tell you, I consider myself no better than them. In education, however, there is no slowing. In fact, with NCLB, more students than ever before, and increasing pressure to perform (all of this, in an environment with 120 million dollars less to work with, thank you very much) next year is going to be really hopping with work. More work for less pay? That doesn’t make sense.

Here’s my alternate proposal. Let’s make education work like business! We’ll take the pay cut, but let’s turn away 6% of the students next year! I mean, the economy is bad, let’s just tell those parents “Sorry, it’s tough for everyone right now.” We can even get some of those kids, quite a few of which will be at-risk, no doubt, some weapons training, and we can speed them along on a life of knocking over 7-11’s. If we do that, we won’t even have to decrease pay for police. Heck in a hand basket, they will be plenty busy, believe you me. By the way, if anyone needs to renew their registration, we can just turn 6% of people away from the DMV. Or respond to 6% fewer calls for police. Sorry, I don’t know everyone who is on the state payroll, but you get the idea.

In closing Jimmy, you are (a jackass / a huge jackass / the hugest jackass). Let’s stop looking to put the brunt of the State’s problems (due in no small part to shortsighted leadership) on one segment of the population, and discuss some real solutions.

Say hi to (the misses / the mistresses), and we’ll talk to you as soon as your leadership brings us to our inevitable next crisis.

(Your name here)

Jim Gibbons is ready for another letter...

2009-01-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

We're all feeling the crunch of the economic downturn. So, I guess I wasn't at all surprised when I read this article in the online edition of the Las Vegas Sun:

http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2009/jan/09/teacher-salaries-gibbons-cross-hairs/

"Carson City — Gov. Jim Gibbons will propose state workers, schoolteachers and university employees take a 6 percent pay cut in the budget he will unveil next week, according to sources with knowledge of the plan.

The move is part of a spending plan that Gibbons’ staff has admitted will be painful to enact, but one that keeps the governor’s pledge not to raise taxes."

Now, being an educator, you'd probably think that this would be the point that I start spewing vitriol about how underpaid teachers are, how devastating this would be, etc. etc. However, I can definitely see both sides of the argument. Check out the comments from that article and thread, there are good and bad ideas from both sides. I will say this. Personally, I believe education can take some ques from business, but inherently, the enterprise is different. While business is slowing, necessitating layoffs/pay cuts, there is no commensurate slowing of what we do in education. In fact, with the 120 million that will be slashed in CCSD's budget next year, that is almost assuredly more work for teachers for less pay. However, having already seen several of my friends take paycuts, I do know I'm no better than them.

On a personal note, I do believe that we do not need to quibble about whether Gibbons is governing the state of Nevada from the left or the right. I have no doubt his executive decisions come straight from the center, with his head firmly rooted up his...well, you know. I feel another letter coming on...

Well, you can't spell BCS without BS!

2009-01-09T17:53:00.000-08:00

Ah, the voters have voted, and once again, the American public has been cheated out of a true national champion in college football. Regardless of what you think about the Mountain West conference, those so-called "power" conferences scheduled just as many cream puffs, were populated with just as many bad teams (Big East and Big Ten, I'm looking DIRECTLY at you) and the MWC doesn't have the luxury of huge viewership and the incredible hype of network deals. In fact, if you don't think those big network types aren't hyping those conferences they have contracts with, you are sadly mistaken. By the way, take away the hype, and Utah is the TRUE #1. And this is coming from a devoted BYU fan.

Some thoughts I have gleaned from the internet over this. One of the funniest posts I found comes from another blogspot blog:

http://taxmanblog.blogspot.com/2009/01/utah-1.html

"I think the system works fine.

Regards,

Figure Skating"

I think the best argument for Utah as #1 comes from one of my favorite sports writers Rick Reilly, formerly of Sports Illustrated, now with ESPN.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3815656

"Argue with this, please. I beg you. Find me anybody else that went undefeated. Thirteen-and-zero. Beat four ranked teams. Went to the Deep South and seal-clubbed Alabama in the Sugar Bowl. The same Alabama that was ranked No. 1 for five weeks. The same Alabama that went undefeated in the regular season. The same Alabama that Florida beat in order to get INTO the BCS Championship game in the first place."

And what do I think? The BCS is entirely responsible for our economic downturn. Replace it. Now.

Quick Hits and Random Thoughts

2008-11-30T21:27:00.000-08:00

1. A while back I called for a boycott of Starbucks coffee regarding their president's sale of the Seattle Sonics to a group fully intending to move it from Seattle. Starbucks profits were something like 150 million last year. This year, 5 million. I'd like to thank my readers, as the House of Milo claims a victory over evil.

2. Why do people keep giving Norv Turner head coaching gigs? Is his record anywhere above .500 as a head coach? Note to NFL teams, Turner is a great offensive coordinator, and a poor head coach.

3. Charlie Weis. Offensive guru. Not quite so much without Belichick's camera crew stealing defensive signals, is he?

A new blog!

2008-10-21T21:58:00.000-07:00

Yeah, as The House of Milo has laid dormant for some months now, I invite you to check out yet another project (if anyone is still even checking this anymore).

guidetostuffmormonslike.blogspot.com

My good friend Jamie and myself are taking on this highly important discussion, to delve into the depths of stuff that Mormons like. Both being Mormon, we hope to one day be regarded as the foremost experts in the field, and hopefully some day recieve honorary doctorates in the field.

Enjoy!

Another blog from a sore, lazy, American loser.

2008-08-24T00:05:00.001-07:00

http://www.mcclatchydc.com/world/story/49891.html

This link, my friends, is a blog that exposes how disappointing we here in the U.S. have performed this Olympics. Basically, we here in the U.S. like to count our total number of medals, while everyone who wants to champion the cause of the benevolent host country points to how horribly we've performed in the Gold medal count. You know what though?

What gold medals has China won? Can you name me two other Olympic events that they have won medals in other than anything having to do with 12, oh, whoops, I mean 16 year old gymnasts? Times up! Don't feel bad, I couldn't either, so I decided to look up China's gold medal count to see how many of them are real medals, and how many are "fake". Not sure what I mean? You'll see.

Women's Wrestling
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige level: 2/5

Personally, this is probably a real sport, but women's wrestling is way too scary to comprehend. When I was an assistant wrestling coach, you know what terrified the JV's more than anything? Having to be the wrestler to fight the girl. We can have women's wrestling, but we're really getting rid of women's softball? Hmmmmmm...

Table Tennis (4)
Real or Fake: VERY fake
Prestige level: -1

Now, you will run into people who will say "You don't understand! This sport is amazing! It requires nerves of steel, and lighting fast reflexes." Yeah. You can also play it drunk with your buddies in a garage on Saturday night, thus failing the litmus test of being a real sport. - 4 medals to the hosts. By the way, it's called PING fricking PONG.

Taekwondo, Fencing, Judo (3), Boxing (2)
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige Level: 4/5

These are all real, but I have to say, for being the country where the famed Shaolin Monks reside, I feel that China actually underperformed in the martial arts. C'mon China, step it up!

Men's weightlifting (4)
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige Level: 4/5

Real. Men lifting heavy things. Good

Women's weightlifting (4)
Real or Fake: Real (sort of)
Prestige level: 1/5

I only fear for their life after weightlifting. This is just wrong. Again, we can have women's weightlifting, but not women's softball? And as far as women's weightlifting goes, I actually count it as a victory for our country when we don't win a medal in this event. (Sorry to the female olympians who have, please don't crush me).

Archery, Sailing, Canoe/Kayak, Rowing
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige level: 1/5

Unless you're splitting arrows ala Robin Hood, I've never seen anyone set their DVRs to catch archery. And sailing? This is what John Kerry did to show America how "athletic" and "in touch" he was with the common man. Oh wait, that was windsurfing...Still, quite foofy. Sorry China, file these under "who cares".

Badminton (3)
Real or Fake: So, so fake
Prestige level: -2

Shuttlecock! 'Nuff said.

But seriously, even if you count Badminton as a real sport (Shuttlecock!), has there ever been a country that has been inspired to greatness because of their proud Badminton tradition?

Country A: We will march upon you and vanquish you all! None shall survive!

Country B: We will not die like dogs, but we will fight like lions!

Country A: Have you forgotten our proud tradition and skills in BADMINTON!!!!

Country B: FLEE!!!!!

Country A: Ready the shuttlecocks!!!!!!!

Yeah. No.

Men's gymnastics (7)
Real or Fake: Real
Prestige: 4/5

I've never understood why men's gymnastics isn't as popular as women's, but it's not. I will say this. China is just stinking good at men's gymnastics.

Women's gymnastics
Real or Fake: Real (sort of)
Prestige: 5/5

So, it's real, and it's prestigious, so why the "sort of"? STOP SENDING 12 YEAR OLDS TO COMPETE CHINA! NO ONE BELIEVES YOU! I WANT THOSE ATHLETES CARBON DATED! 12! 12! 12!

Trampoline (2)
Real or fake: Fake (sorry!)
Prestige: 1/5

I watched trampoline. It is amazing. It is also a fake event. If you are in a bar fight, bragging about your country's superiority, you never pull the "Look how amazing we are at trampoline!" card. That would be like a comic book nerd trying to pick up a hot chick by bragging up his complete collection of Star Trek: The Next Generation DVDs. It just isn't done. By the way, we have a trampoline in our backyard. If we own a trampoline, it cannot be an olympic sport.

Diving
Real or fake: Real
Prestige: 3/5

Diving is the chick flick of the olympics. Chicks love to watch, and guys, wanting to please their mates, follow along, not suffering too badly, but never admiting they'd watch it by themselves. Never would a guy say "Hey brah, I just saw 27 Dresses last weekend! It was sick! Catherine Heigl was the effing bomb!!!". Nor should countries brag about their diving prowess. Own it, but let it go.

Shooting (4)
Real or fake: Real guns, real. Air (read: bb) guns, fake.
Prestige: 2/5 for real guns, -1/5 for bb guns

Listen, if this were about real shooting, ain't nobody going to beat the U.S. In fact, I propose fully automatic shooting for the next olympics. We can recruit inner city youth, and I guarantee we would be tops in the world for London in 2012. Now, I was shocked to find out that shooting bb guns was an olympic sport. Sorry, ping pong and bb guns go hand in hand. What's the litmus test for this one? Does the 12 year old red-head on my block use a discus to shoot pigeons? No. Does he use an air (read: bb) gun to shoot them? Yes? Not an olympic sport.

So, yes, we will lose the gold medal count, but if anyone in the coming weeks following the olympics dares bring up how the U.S. lost this medal count to China, I have a retort for you.

Pedestrian A: Ha! The U.S. lost the gold medal count to Ch...
Pedestrian B: SHUTTLECOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crazy cat ladies are the best...

2008-08-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've found a blog that so goes above and beyond the standards of interweb excellence, but today, that search ended, when I found this little ditty:

http://www.catster.com/cats/581913/diary/Its_been_a_long_and_difficult_road_but_i_made_it

Yes, it is a blog, from the perspective of a cat. Crazy cat ladies have entered the blogosphere. The best part? It's name is Princess Kitty Smoosh Face. There are only 3 entries, but those three entries have affected me in profound ways.

Like helping me decide that I will never own a cat.

Wow, I have a blog???

2008-08-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a long time, and I have to say, after about a month of posting nothing, I'm happy that a few people are still even checking back. Sweet! I fully plan on doing a full fledged post, but to get back in the saddle I think the olympics deserve a mention. I'm actually pretty into them this year thanks to the modern miracle of DVRs. As much as I've enjoyed these games, there are some political questions to be answered. The first is a little bit more lighthearted, and comes to us via yahoo. It asks the question as to whether judges are being biased towards the home country:

http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/beijing/blog/fourth_place_medal/post/The-REAL-Olympic-medal-count?urn=oly,101537&cp=1#comments

For those to lazy to click a link:

Every judging break seems to have gone China's way during these Olympics. I'm
not suggesting a conspiracy, I just think that judges are humans who are
influenced by big names, fans and other external factors. Oh, and they're also
terrible. Judged events will always be viewed with skepticism by those who lose
for this reason, particularly those who lose to a member of the home delegation.
(Think Roy Jones Jr. at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.)
It is because of this skewed inconsistency that Fourth-Place Medal introduces The Real 2008 Medal Count. Our medal count will tally medals won in sports decided on the field of play, not by a judge in a teal blazer. The judged Olympic events we will ignore for our tally are: boxing, diving, equestrian, gymnastics, judo, taekwondo, trampoline and wrestling. We debated whether to include boxing, wrestling and the martial arts in the list, as they can be decided by competitors. However, because the
judging is prone to error and shenaningans, we will include it.
The Real 2008 Medal Count
China: 22 gold; 11 silver; 11 bronze
United States: 21 gold;
19 silver; 21 bronze

This second article is by one of my favorite essayists, formerly of Sports Illustrated and currently employed by ESPN, Rick Reilly. He highlights some of the glaring ways that China's poor human rights record has been swept under the rug for their "coming out party". And it's funny! The format doesn't permit me to reprint the the entire article, so just do yourself a favor and click here:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3542649

Anyways, I hope you're enjoying the olympics (MICHAEL FREAKIN' PHELPS!!!) as much as we are. Go U.S.A.!!!

A milestone, a dissenter, and all things batty...

2008-07-20T21:51:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, I have been geeked this entire weekend. I have been checking in frequently with boxofficeguru.com to see how the box office cume is doing, and it appears that TDK has outdone Spider-Man 3 (and rightfully so) as the all time first weekend box office champion. I'm glad that the slightly above average SM3 no longer holds that record, and to have my favorite super hero now stand as an all time giant at 155 million dollars, that's just nifty.

In light of this, however, I called one of my best buds to find that he hated the movie. While I was shocked, I checked out what he had to say, and while I don't agree with everything, his review is worth noting. You can check out and be linked from his own site:

http://gentlyhewstone.wordpress.com/

Or go directly to his review at:

http://www.bycommonconsent.com/2008/07/you-cant-fight-darkness-with-darkness/

I think it's refreshing to see a dissenting voice among all the praise being heaped upon the film, and the author's prose is always a joy to read, even when I don't agree. You can also see my response to his critique 29 comments down, if you are so inclined.

Of course, as a complete unapologetic fanboy, I cannot be more elated that The Dark Knight currently sits at #1 on the all time rankings over at IMDB.com. Godfather fans everywhere are throwing themselves out of windows as the website is hijacked by comic fans, batgeeks, and true fans of movie making. While I cannot believe that this will last, in the area of "Things that really don't matter", these are obviously good times for bat geeks everywhere.

Your expectations aren't high enough...

2008-07-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

Review of The Dark Knight

Starring Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Gary Oldman, Aaron Eckhart, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Morgan Freeman

Directed by Christopher Nolan

Four out of Four stars

Leaving the theater, my wife made a confession to me. "This Batman is the first one that I've thought is hot." Indeed, I share her sentiments. No amount of hyperbole I heap upon this movie is enough. I will not try. I will be simple, and direct, and all I need you to do is to follow my directions, very, very carefully.

Go, and, see, this, movie.

Quickly, I will share why you should in a quick Q & A session.

Q: Is Heath Ledger's performance as good as everyone is saying it is?

A: Yes, there will not be a better performance by a male lead this year. He probably won't win the Oscar, but he should. You cannot understand until you see him.

Q: Continuing in the mold of Batman Begins, are certain aspects of the Batman mythos explained in ways that are nearly real-world plausible?

A: Yes, absolutely. Have you ever asked yourself the question how a psychopath like the Joker could amass a legion of followers? The Joker's methods will make it very plain in the first 15 minutes of the film.

Q: Does TDK continue the first film's penchant for eschewing CGI effects for real world stunts?

A: Absolutely, and thank Odin for it. Batman Begins was understated, nearly to a fault. This film brings back the seemingly lost art of real world stunts, and its all the more visceral because of it. What little CGI there is is used perfectly and in no way pulls you out of the action. There is an absolutely jaw dropping truck stunt that simply must be seen to be believed.

Q: Is TDK an action movie?

A: Yes.

Q: Is TDK a dark comedy?

A: At moments.

Q: Is TDK a tragedy?

A: Yes.

Q: Is TDK a horror film?

A: Yes.

Q: Should I take the kids?

A: No. No no no no no no no. No. I have a bag full of no for you here. Nolan spares us in many ways, but don't let any toy tie-ins fool you, you should not take any children 13 or under, or any children sensitive to frightening images. This is a movie that squeezes every bit of PG-13 out of it's overwhelmingly ominous overtones.

Q: Does Heath Ledger's Joker unseat Hannibal Lecter as the greatest cinematic villain of all time?

A: I'm going to go out on a limb here, and I will probably be mocked more profoundly than if I went on IMDB.com and said I didn't understand why The Godfather was so great, but I am going to say yes. I wish I could tell you why without spoiling the film, but I think that coupled with the tragic loss of Ledger, something about this performance is going to resonate very deeply with the zeitgeist of cinema aficionados and casual filmgoers as well. I think the Joker represents the seemingly random chaos of a world increasingly turned upside down and inside out by terrorists that, while professing an agenda, seem content to just hurt the U.S. because they have done it for so long, and because we represent something that they hate, long after they have forgotten why. Their motives seem about as authentic as the Joker's ever changing explanation for his scars.

Q: Is The Dark Knight the best superhero movie ever?

A: Yes. In this golden age of hurculean comic book blockbusters that are (gasp!) good, The Dark Knight stands out as something more transcendent. Dark, yet sprinkled with fleeting hope. Bleak, yet somehow beautiful. The Dark Knight is not a movie. It is art, in the hands of a masterful virtuoso in Chritopher Nolan. These types of movies don't get Oscar nods because the unwashed heathens heap untold millions to see them, but if this movie does not at least get an Oscar nod, I will be greatly disappointed. And yes, I am prepared to be disappointed.

Q: Any parting wisdom for someone planning on seeing this movie?

A: What you have to know, is that for many years, Tim Burton's Batman stood as my favorite film. It's noir-ish yet semi-campy take on the Caped Crusader was my initiation into summer hype, waiting in line to see a movie, owning all the pertinent merchandise, the list could go on and on. I owned several shirts, several toys, and my sixth grade year I spent my free time thinking about how one day, I could be a vigilante. Perhaps I am more excited for this film because, for how much childish nostalgia I harbor for my first Batman experience, I cannot tell you how elated I am to feel this excitement all over again for a film that is more atuned to adult tastes, yet is as unabashedly exciting as any popcorn thriller that has come down the pipes in recent years. Please, just go, and thank me later.

Final Question: Could Batman beat up Superman?

Answer: Yes. Not even close.

Hitting a bump in the road (or the night)

2008-07-11T14:19:00.000-07:00

Review of New Moon

by Stephenie Meyer

Two of Four Stars

I am actually writing this review after having finished the third of what is slated to be four part series chronicling the adventures of Bella Swan and her vampire love muffin Edward Cullen. Sorry Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, but this winter, the premiere of Twilight has all salvos loaded, and the holocaust that this vampire love story is going to bring to bare on your notebook reading butts is going to make what the U.S. did to Nagasaki look like a kid knocking over a cabin made of lincoln logs.

Never mind that no adolescent nowadays will have not the faintest idea what lincoln logs are.

Yes, Twilight is the next event novel. Its rise may be a slower burn, but make no mistake, its crossover appeal between both paragons of moral virture (i.e. the Mormons) and it's undeniable appeal to emos (the new goth!) is going to make it a smashing success.

"So Mr. The House of Milo, why'd you wait to review this book?"

That's an excellent question Timmy! Let's get to the heart and soul of it.

I had to see if there was anything worth getting to. You see, for normal, well adjusted (generally) thirty somethings, slogging through the first two thirds of New Moon is going to be like walking barefoot through a room of rusty thumbtacks then letting your feet soak in in a vat of hydrogen peroxide for 2 hours. Okay, okay, maybe I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. A more apt analogy would be comparing New Moon to reading a soul crushingly bad teenage emo poem. And then reading another one. Then another one. Then another one. Until finally you're sitting in your room with your hair in your eyes listening to I'm Not Okay by My Chemical Romance on repeat until your fingernails turn black...

Because you PAINTED THEM THAT WAY!!!!!

New Moon starts out promising enough, with Bella, the klutz that she is, cutting herself open at a lavish birthday party thrown on her behalf by her adopted vampire family. Blood, as you can imagine, is quite the temptation for a family of vegan vamps. This, is the way you start a story!

This episode, however, convinces Edward that he must leave Bella.

What you say? Edward leaves? For a large portion of the book? Yes, and with him, much of what makes the Twilight books so good. Because no matter what some people will tell you, these books rise and fall with the dynamics of Bella and Vampy McGee, a.k.a. Edward. Without him, this book is a punch line to a joke about an emotional skater boy who wears girl pants that no one asked.

A large part of my criticism, however, can be swiftly sidestepped by one unbeatable argument. Ready for it? I'm a guy. While I'm not entirely convinced that Twilight was written with the singular purpose to connect with girly adolescents (and I'm launching a campaign with my male friends, mind you, to make sure I'm not the only guy to have read it) there are certain aspects to the story which will undoubtedly resonate more strongly with a female audience. That's the long and short of it. For every van crushing, torso ripping bit of awesomeness, there is some estrogen fueled claptrap that is, quite honestly, difficult to swallow. I can see how Bella's lonelinenss and despair after her velvety voiced Marble God (Edward) leaves might find a place in the hearts of cheerleading team rejects, but I couldn't deal with it.

New Moon is not without it's redeeming qualities. Indeed, another interesting character (not compelling mind you, interesting) is fleshed out in Jacob Black. If you're still awake, you'll figure out in about 2 minutes what he is. After reading Twilight, you should already know what he is. Again, women will no doubt appreciate how he heals Bella's heart after stone cold lover boy takes off. I didn't understand.

Oh yeah, the last third of the book is flippin' sweet too.

So what is New Moon? A somewhat necessary dip in the series that drags out over endless chapters what could have been for one man, taken care of in a chapter and a half. If you're going to read all of the books, however, don't skip, as there are (somewhat lamentably) details here that are crucial to your understanding and enjoyment of Eclipse. I guess that is one benefit to reading the next book before reviewing this one.

By the way, my wife just woke up from a nap. She told me as I was finishing this review that she had a dream that Edward died. If that isn't a sign of this being the next event novel, then I don't know what is.

How I helped the Celtics win a championship

2008-07-09T13:48:00.000-07:00

You know, a couple of weeks have passed since the Boston Celtics memorably dismantled Kobe Bryant's L.A. Lakers to win the NBA Finals. Did you know, however, that I helped them. Probably not, this is the secret story that ESPN doesn't want you to know, and the major media outlets won't disseminate.

Exhibit #1

Sports Illustrated ran this cover following the Celtics win:

Note, it says, "How Danny Ainge revived a great franchise." Not KG, not Paul Pierce, not Ray Allen. Danny Ainge. That's right. P.S., he's Mormon.

Okay, exhibit #2:

This is taken from a prgram that I happened to find in a mountain of memorabilia that I have. When I was back at BYU, for two seasons I worked as an usher courtside at the Cougars home basketball games. I happened to be working when Danny Ainge had his jersey retired. Well, on top of that, he was sitting about 10 feet away from me the whole time. Now, I like Danny Ainge. Mormon hoopster, the preeminent player in BYU history (sorry Shawn Bradley), a key piece in the Celtics championship teams, a one time Phoenix Suns player and coach. How could I pass up the opportunity? Yes, I became one of those annoying autograph hounds, but I had the perfect piece of memorabilia, and opportunity. I hope it's my last time ever. I walked over to him, and humbly told him I was a big fan (ugh), and he graciously, if somewhat bemusedly, signed my program.

Let me ask you this. How many championships did Danny Ainge win as a G.M. before I got his signature, hmmmm??? Yeah, that's what I thought. None.

The House Of Milo claims part of the Celtics championship for partial albino dreamers everywhere.

An open letter to Jim Gibbons

2008-06-25T14:09:00.000-07:00

With the impending fight to repeal cost of living allowances for state employees about to kickoff this Friday here in good ol’ Nevada, I’m being bombarded with sample letters to send to state representatives and leadership. I haven’t found one, however, that has contained the appropriate tone, and therefore, I decided to create a “choose your own letter” so that anyone struggling with just the right words for Governor Gibbons can strike just the right chord. Enjoy.

Governor Gibbons,
(Greetings / Hello there! / Rot in hell!) I am a humble teacher in the Clark County School District here in Southern Nevada, which by the time you read this will be the (fifth largest school district in the nation / fourth largest district in the nation / wait a minute, four students just walked into my class).

As you can tell by my (concerned / incendiary / vitriolic) tone, I am writing to you in response to your (short sighted / asinine / !@#$@#% stupid) attempt to repeal the four percent cost of living allowance that we, the (humble / pissed off) public servants of the state were scheduled to get. Now, Governor Gibbons, with (all due respect / a burning hatred that will endure the scorching heat of Hades), I’m not going to talk dollars and cents with you, because (I wouldn’t understand it / you wouldn’t understand it), but there has to be a better way, doesn’t there? I even voted for you, something that many people wouldn’t even own up to now.

I have to say your questionable decisions in the time that you’ve been in office have caused me to (question my decision / cry myself to sleep / flagellate myself with a whip Opus Dei style!) daily. I know that in your eyes educators are (noble in thought and deed / lazy nogoodniks) but your actions (are not consistent with your campaign promises to be education minded / make you look like a simpleton and an idiot).

On a personal note, I hope that your divorce proceedings are (going well / going poorly / giving you what you so richly deserve). Please give my regards to (your mistress / your ex-wife / your other mistress).

In closing, I would just like to say (please do the right thing and keep the COLAs we were promised / good luck getting re-elected / please don’t get drunk and beat any women in any parking garages). Seriously.

With (sincere regards for your political future / a hope that we will make it above the poverty line next year! / a burning rage that makes Naomi Campbell look like Mother Theresa.)

Your Name Here

Yeah, I have another blog...

2008-06-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

Anyone who is a regular reader (there's two of you, to clarify) might like to check out another blog I'm running. You can find it at:

www.passingfaithalong.blogspot.com

You'll find the tone there decidedly more reverent. Many of my friends are Mormon, but many are not, and I designed this page to share more of my spiritual side. I hope it will become a place for people to ask questions that they might not in other forums, but it's also a reminder that as wacky a guy as I am (read my Paris Hilton review) it is truly my faith that has brought me a ridiculous amount of joy to my life. I'll post the link permanently eventually, and no, there isn't much there yet. I wouldn't be surprised to see some more postings over here at The House explore religious questions as well. Plus, there's pictures of my family over there for anyone thinking they aren't well represented over here (I'm just protecting the innocent!).

Anyways, I hope you enjoy:-)

My media quotes of the week...

2008-06-13T13:42:00.001-07:00

Well, it's been a busy couple of months for me. I know that not all of you have kept up with my media appearances, indeed, your DVR might break under the strain, so I have some of my most pertinent quotes right here for you, in one easy place.

On MJ/Kobe comparisons:
"So Jay, we're done with this, right? We never, ever, for as long as we live, have to hear Kobe mentioned in the same breath again with his royal airness? Can we make this man law now? Kobe choked harder than Mary Kate Olsen trying to swallow food."
-The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, June 11, 2008

On the Twilight series of books:
"Do I have to turn in my man card, or cut off a corner, for having finished the second Twilight book? By the way, you may be the first person I've ever met with legs whiter than mine...Yes Conan, I'm about 50 pages into the third..."
-The Late Show with Conan O'Brien, June 9, 2008

On allegations of kickbacks from Paris Hilton for a favorable album review:
"That's between me, Paris, my accountant, and Matt Leinert."
Statement made to TMZ.com

On calling a Red Wings victory:
"You're right, it did take some serious cajones for me to call that for the Wings once they were up 3-1 in the Stanley Cup Finals. Do I get some dap for that, Wilbon?"
-Pardon the Interruption, "Five Good Minutes", June 6, 2008

Responding to media criticism regarding Pau Gasol's performance in the NBA Finals:
"That’s why I don’t read the newspaper! Because it’s garbage! And the editor who let it come out is garbage! Attacking Pau Gasol, a pro athlete doing everything right! And then you want to write articles about guys who don’t do things right and downgrade them, the ones that do make plays. Are you kidding me? Where are we at in society today? Come after me! I’m a man! I’m 30!"
-L.A. Lakers postgame press conference, June 12, 2008

On success in the blogosphere:
"How pathetic is it to invent quotes on ones own blog. I would never do that."
-Interview with The House of Milo, February 2008

How do you like my Panda Style?

2008-06-07T13:17:00.000-07:00

Review of Kung Fu Panda

Starring Jack Black, Dustin Hoffman, Anglina Jolie, Michael Cross, Jackie Chan and a bunch of computer animating geeks

Directed by Mark Osborne and John Stevenson

Another summer, another blockbuster computer animated movie, and a Dreamworks picture to boot. You see, in the computer animated movie biz, there's Pixar, and there's everyone else. Pixar delivers the modern classic Finding Nemo (a personal favorite) and Dreamworks delivers...Shark Tale. About fish. And a car wash. Hmmm... Pixar delivers A Bugs Life a great little movie (and even one of their weaker entries) and Dreamworks hits us with, Antz. With Woody Allen. And the movie title pluralized with a "z". Right... If you take away Dreamworks' 900 lb. gorilla (or ogre) Shrek, and the chasm between the two studios is even greater.

Why the rift in quality? In short, I haven't the slightest. Pixar doesn't know how to make bad movies. Whereas Dreamworks, minus the Shrek films, are good. They're like Big Macs. Without the money to go to a nicer place, they'll do just fine. You eat them, you feel pleasant enough, and then you're burping thousand island secret sauce for the rest of the afternoon. One theory I have is that I think the Shrekification of movies has something to do with it. The scientific formula for Shrek is simple:

Big colorful characters for kids + mature in-jokes that kids don't get divided by # of fart jokes = Box Office Bonanza.

We like it, it works. BUT, we don't want it every time. We can only take so many zany and colorful talking animals guys. Give us something different, something a little more nuanced than neurotic giraffes a la Madagascar. Now that I've spent half my article trashing Dreamworks animation, let me tell you why Kung Fu Panda is their best movie since the original Shrek. Are you ready for this?

It's not very much like Shrek.

Okay, okay, it still admittedly a little like Shrek. You've got your talking animals, and your sprinkling of potty humor (which remains hilarious), but in essence Kung Fu Panda is a modern reinterpretation of the classic Kung Fu movie in animated form. It manages to strike a nice balance of wildly imaginative cartoon characters with a traditional quest to become the ultimate warrior, in this movies case, the Dragon Warrior. I'll be honest, this movie had me at the opening sequence, in which Po, the titular Panda, dreams of the Furious Five, this film's quintet of nearly indestructable warriors. He awakens from his dream world to a drab reality, where he is unable to kip up from his back to standing, and his association with the Furious Five is limited to the action figures that line his window sill, something that thirtysomething Star Wars geeks like myself will richly appreciate.

Po has a love of food, and Kung Fu, but is stuck living out his father's dream as a noodle vendor. We never learn exactly why Po's dad is a bird, but it doesn't matter. It's a nifty bit of foreshadowing that suggests to us that, like his family lineage, Po is not quite where he belongs. When he learns that the local master will be choosing the new Dragon Warrior, Po naturally finds a way to get to the event, and through a bizarre and serendipitous situation, he becomes the unlikely Warrior to defend the people from the menacing Tai Lung.

There is not much here that hasn't been covered before, themes of believing in yourself and using the gifts that we have and being who we are have been the topic of countless other films (Karate Kid?) but the quality is in the telling. Jack Black is used appropriately, but not obnoxiously, as the unlikely Dragon Warrior, and while the personalities of the Furious Five are never fleshed out beyond Tigress, voiced by Angelina Jolie, their differences lie in their various fighting styles (all of them, cleverly, represented by the actual animal. The tiger style master is a tiger, monkey style is a monkey, mantis style...yeah, you get it).

And their fighting styles are what elevate this film above previous efforts. The hook of thinly veiled adult humor to reel in Moms and Dads has been eschewed in favor of outstanding action. There were moments of intensity that rivaled, and in some cases trumped, The Incredibles, which for me is the pinnacle of animated action. And while Moms and Dads will no doubt flock to this film as their kids beg for it, this is a film that I could easily see curious teens and childless grown-ups enjoying without hesitation. I found the art direction to be just as fantastic as the action. While the movie's humor may make you forget, there are beautiful moments in the film, that whisk the viewer away to a place where warriors meditated on cloudy mountain tops to attain the universal secret to enlightenment, peace, and awesome !@# kicking abilities.

I entered Kung Fu Panda with moderate expectations and was well pleased with the mix of humor, action, and surprising beauty. Don't let this somewhat high minded review make you think you're walking into an animated Citizen Cane, but what the movie does, it does well. A bit surprising to myself, I give Kung Fu Panda four out of four pot stickers, and give it a Viper style infused 20 ft. high flipping dragon punch recommendation. Kids will enjoy. Action and martial arts afficionados will be delighted. Everyone wins. Believe me when I say that it does get a bit intense in the cartoon violence department, but just about every kid except for the most sensitive should be just fine.

Shoriyuken!

Words simply cannot describe...

2008-06-06T16:50:00.000-07:00

Review of Paris by Paris Hilton

Sometimes when we least expect it, fate intervenes in the lives of mortals. Such was the case today, when I thought I was just going to get fitted for a tux so that I could act as a secret service agent at a local high school graduation ceremony. I must recount the tale, so that the full gravity of my opening statement may be felt. As most even moderately technically savvy individuals do at the beginning of any road trip of any length, I mapquested the address of the tuxedo rental shop, and set out to burn gasoline as expediently as possible. When nearing the establishment, I called to see what the cross streets were. "Cheyenne and Cimarron" said the voice on the other end of the phone. "Really?", thought I, as I passed Charleston and Cimarron. Never one to question disembodied voices, I dutifully headed to Cheyenne and Cimarron, only to find...trees. I was puzzled. I headed back to Charleston and Cimarron (remember, how much is gas up to?) to find that, in fact, I had passed the shop the first time around. "Oh well.", thought I, as visions of four dollar a gallon gasoline made me as woozy as errant fumes. I got out of my van to find, a sign taped to the inside of the establishment.

"Will re-open at 4pm. Sorry for the inconvenience."

@#$%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was 3pm.

The closest gas station informed me that regular unleaded could be had for the unusually reasonable price of 4.05 for a whole gallon!

Unable to bare the thought of another trip to be fitted, I instead headed to a nearby library. My thoughts turned to my blog, believe it or not. Recently, I've found that my niche, something I truly enjoy doing, is dissecting the fruits of others creativity by way of reviews. I would pick up some music. After travelling for forty five minutes in my van, having wasted untold dollars on lining the coffers of the Saudi royal family, I was in the perfect mood to review something. But what? As I perused the bounty that the public library offered, I was flummoxed, as nothing stood out. It was at that point that I found myself at the cross streets of fate and destiny when she looked up at me in her disinterested "I have more money than God." sort of way, beconing me to pluck her out of the rows and rows of jewel case filled bins. I gently lifted her out, asking myself the question, was I really doing this? Would I really check her out?

I was, and I did. And let me tell you, my life hasn't been the same since.

You see, you might assume, that because of my own ineptitude and some bad directions, I would be in a completely lousy mood, and in no shape to review anything, much less the self-titled debut of a debutant who is famous for being famous. But as I gently loaded the CD into the van's disc player, something strange burned within me. I wasn't ready, nor could any mere man be ready, for her subtly crafted opening lyrics.

"Ah, yeah, that's hot..."

So began my sonic journey into Paris...her self titled CD. This singular work of studio production and non-chalant vocals was like a summer reality show breaking up the monotony of sunny days and workless weeks. Paris is an album long tour de force, showcasing not only the poor little rich girl we have all grown to, something, but an introspective and even brooding side. Until this album, I never knew that being a billion dollar heiress could be such a thankless and harrowing journey.

It is on the album's second track that this became readily apparent to me. Fightin' Over Me is a subtle and cleverly written flirtatious number, and her nuanced lyrics completely floored me with her grasp of the human condition.

"Everytime I turn around the boys are fightin' over me,

Every time I step out the house they wanna fi-ight over me,

Maybe 'cuz I'm hot to death and so so so sexy.

All the boys, all the silly boys, wanna fi-ight over me."

Until I heard this song, I would have never, ever figured Paris Hilton to be a postmodern feminist, and yet, I think hearing, or reading in the case of this review, is believing, wouldn't you? She walks a fine line, but guest rappers Jadakiss and Fat Joe seem to be up to the task of walking the tightrope. As they deftly maneuver the lyrical landscape, they seem to embody the tenets of postmodernity as espoused by Mary Joe Frug, Jadakiss representing postmodernisms assertion that human experience is inextricably connected to the power of language to shape our perception of reality, and Fat Joe, representing Frug's second tenet, that sex is not entirely natural, and that society has created a system of meaning for it and encoded the female body with said meanings. Indeed, as he assertively delivers the lyric "Yeah ma, you wit' the realist, how simple is that?" I found myself asking the exact same question.

After that post-modern feminist anthem, the album only picks up inertia. And while nothing short of a 2,000 page dissertation could do this piece of audio excellence justice, the short space I have here will have to suffice. Another standout track is Screwed, which is nothing more than a thinly veiled critique on the war in Iraq. "Please don't let it begin, you're under my skin." she starts in a casual tone, proclaiming her bold assertion that involvement in the middle east should never have been an option. She no doubt stood boldly with Obama when others were sounding the war drums. "Same old story, boy meets girl and she falls much harder for him. Baby, wheres the glory." It is obvious that the U.S. is the girl in ths story, and that we fell in love with the idea of liberating a subjected people, when in fact the boy, in this case Iraq, was really not in tune with the idea in the first place. Now we, deeply ensconsed in the middle east, are asking ourselves the very same question. Where's the glory indeed?

"Since I'm already screwed here's a message to you, my heart's wide open, I'm just knockin' through, to the lover in you, tonight, tonight, you're gonna turn out the lights. And give me a little more room to prove it to you."

Indeed, we're already involved, Paris seems to say. We've already lost billions in dollars and thousands of lives, but we're still trying to fulfill Bush's proud "Mission accomplished" moment so many years ago. Whether it's 2013 or a hundred years, we are commited to our lover, Iraq. Indeed, proud Iraqis, give us a little more room to prove it to you.

I could go on and on for pages about how Stars are Blind is a plea to help sightless children charities, how Turn You On is her tender homage to Mother Teresa of Calcutta, and Do Ya Think I'm Sexy is a cry for awareness for both bulemia and anorexia, but to do so here would only defile the singular glory that it is to listen to these seminal works. I cannot simply assign a score to her album. I can only recommend that you not only buy this album, but buy multiple copies, as you will listen to it so frequently, you will likely not only wear out your CD player, but the discs themselves. I would also recommend downloading several copies digitally through iTunes, as well as purchasing the several academic treatises that have been written to unlock Paris's cleverly hidden meanings and symbolism. I cannot recommend this album highly enough, and I can only assure you, that if you pay money for this album, you will definitely get what you so richly deserve.

Tastes like good, smells like scout camp

2008-06-02T22:14:00.001-07:00

If someone doesn't tell you about it, you'll never find it. Seriously. Don't let it's inauspicious location fool you, however. Buzz BBQ should surely be the Buzz of BBQ gourmets everywhere. When we entered the small strip mall location, we were greeted by one of the cooks and, presumably, co-owners (pictured at far right). We happened to be talking about a few of the other BBQ joints in town, and he defiantly declared that none of them could compare to Buzz. After the hefty portions of briscit, pork, and ribs that I downed, I agree with him. Let's go down the essentials.

Meat. Check.

Styrofoam plates. Check.

Wet naps. Check.

And really, that's all you need, isn't it? Let's not kid ourselves, you're not going to head to Buzz for a fancy night out of eating. The southwestern atmosphere is fairly sparse, the style can only be described as "lawn furniture chic", possibly minus the chic. This doesn't matter. In fact, it almost adds to the ambience, because you're going to indulge your inner Bubba (you know this when you're allowed to sign the wall in magic marker if you down their pound and a half sandwich), and let me tell you, Buzz does not disappoint. This is the best BBQ I have eaten in Vegas. Hands down. Bar none. I don't know what magic they pull to make the meat as tender as it is, and their sauce as tasty as it ends up being, but there is something in that campfire smell that makes you scarf enough BBQ to cause your digestive tract groan under the strain.

A few negatives made this experience less than perfect, however. Not as impressive as the meat itself (heaven in slabs of glorious protein) were the sides. They were utilitarian at best. Also, be prepared to wait if you get a large family meal to share with friends as we did, because when they say slow cookin', they mean it. We waited a good 40 minutes (possibly more, my wife swears it was an hour). Factor the time into your evening, and you should be just fine. Lastly, and this is nothing close to a deal breaker, you will leave smelling like scout camp. I kid you not.

If you can ignore these negatives, Buzz will indulge the inner carnivore in anyone. Don't plan any heavy lifting for after, because the heaviness of the meal will no doubt lull you into a state of stupid lethargy. The reviews they have framed inside their restaurant along with the Best of Las Vegas 2008 recommendation are well deserved. Buzz backed up their bravado with all of the fire we'd expect from a crochety prairie worn cowboy. John Wayne would be pleased.

7810 W. ANN Rd # 130

www.buzzbbq.com

Unlike vampires, this book doesn't suck...

2008-06-02T16:17:00.000-07:00

There are novels, and then, there are event novels. You know event novels. Harry Potter was the granddaddy of them all. The first event novel, if you will. Some telltale signs of the event novel are kids waiting in line at midnight dressed as their favorite witch or wizard at their local Borders or Barnes and Noble, blockbuster movie adaptations, and twenty, thirty, and forty somethings crashing the party in shameless fashion. With the advent of the event novel, has come the unavoidable vigil from event novel aficionados who ask the same question in a longing chorus.

What's next.

Because for every Harry Potter, there has been numberless Spiderwick Chronicles, Eragons, Golden Compasses, and Lemony Snickets which have been unable to capture the popular imagination of enough of us shameless eternal youngsters to be dubbed the next event novel. If I'm going to be berated for reading something targeted at an adolescent, it had best not disappoint. Enter Twilight. I am not ready to dub this the next big thing, but if Harry Potter is the summer blockbuster of novels, then Twilight is the ridiculously successful viral internet campaign. In the course of a weekend, I barely beat out a Hollister wearing LDS twenty something for the last copy of the third Twilight novel at Wal-Mart at 7am. Now this was not even a new book, mind you. It was a newly released "special edition" which contains the first chapter of the fourth Twilight book. Tricky, eh? I watched as my wife's copy of the book made the rounds with four of my wife's friends in 24 hours. By the way, the movie will be released in December. The trailer preceded Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

If you pick up Twilight and take all of 10 seconds to read it's book jacket, you will find that this is a love story. With a vampire. Now wait, before you go running for your garlic and crosses as images of that freaky goth girl from fourth hour come flooding back to torment you, let me assuage your fears. While I am sure that some emo-tastic youths will use Twilight as the standard to which they will pin their hormone driven hopes and dreams, this novel does away with many of the gothic trappings of vampires that are likely to drive away the defenders of normalcy. Gone are their aversion to crosses, to daylight (at least in the traditional sense), and the traditional methods to do away with them. The concept of the vampire with a conscience is not new, but it is written here in a realistic enough way that it seems new and fresh.

Twilight is written from the viewpoint of it's heroine Isabella, or Bella, Swan. She is written in a way that is at once familiar and accessable. She's that smart girl you knew back in high school who was cute enough, but whose intangibles such as her sarcastic wit and keen intellect elevated her to something more. I envision her as the poster child for the emo-nation, brooding and hopeful, funny in a dead pan Steven Wright sort of way. For any of you Generation Xers out there, she's a hotter and more outgoing version of MTV's Daria.

Bella is new to Forks, Washington, the perfect setting for vampire love. You see, Forks is in the most overcast region in the U.S. As Bella gets her bearings in her new town, she makes friends, and is intrigued with a fashion model hot group of ousiders who are all members of the Cullen family. She notices that they keep to themselves, they have pale complexions, and their names are all a little out of place in the present day. Quite interesting. Hint, and a fairly major spoiler...

They're vampires.

And if you don't know that the first moment they are introduced, you my friend, are an idiot. And if you don't know that Bella is going to fall for the super hot Edward, then I have some land in Florida to sell you. Yes, Twilight navigates it's efficient narrative with all the subtlety and nuance of a jackhammer at 3am. You will find no revolutionary plot twists, and any man card holders may have to temporarily relinquish them or have a corner cut off to make it through some parts, but in the end, Twilight turns out to be a rewarding read.

My recommendation for guys who are mildly curious, especially married guys, would be to give it a shot and chalk it up to research. I've been watching my wife tear through these books at a disturbing clip, and it is quite interesting to see what has her twitterpated. A word of warning, however. I did grow tired of after the two hundredth time or so reading about how Edward (vampire love muffin) was an Adonis, a God, how chiseled his perfectly formed chest is. I get it. He's hot. Let's get back to crushing vans in half.

Twilight earns three cloves of garlic from me out of four. It isn't exactly fast food, but as the commercials say, it's good food fast. There's plenty of romance for the ladies, some good action for the fellas, and enough innovations with vampiric lore to keep everything new.

The new standard bearer in pro franchise excellence

2008-06-01T09:31:00.000-07:00

Since winning their fourth championship in the last 10 years, the San Antonio Spurs, those of the floptastic and uninspiring gameplay, have been lauded as the standard bearers of excellence among all professional sports franchises. Indeed, a Sports Illustrated cover from last year hailed them as such. Had the Patriots not executed the finest choke job of the modern sports era (in fact, has their been a bigger choke job ever? Eli Manning won the Super Bowl, for crying out loud!) perhaps they would have unceremoniously ripped the mantle from the Spurs, all the while Bill Belichick pointing and chanting "Nanny nanny boo boo, stick your head in doo doo NFL!" With the Patriots flopping like the Spurs, and the Spurs flopping against the Lakers like, well, also like the Spurs, the window has been opened for the most dominating team you have most likely never seen.

My journey with the Red Wings began during the 1994-1995 NHL season. Seinfeld was in full swing back when Thursday really was must see. Teenagers were just getting over the Seattle grunge movement, Dr. Dre was tearing up the radio, Napster was still a few years off, and a younger version of me was learning the ins and outs of one of the hottest extreme sports out there, before we even knew what extreme sports were. I was an in line skater. My buddy Bryan and I had been skating around Las Vegas for years, but were just finding out how enjoyable street hockey was. Of course, checks and hits produced scrapes and scars, because we were rarely smart enough to wear protective gear.

During this time, I realized Hockey was ultimate dopeness. Today's crazy teens might have called it "sick". Either way, I realized that I was going to have to follow the NHL, and that I would need a team. Being a native Las Vegan, I've had to poach my favorite teams from other cities. Steve Young made me a believer in the 49ers, and I have loved them since the Cowboys first beat them in the NFC championship. I followed one of my favorite UNLV players in Arman Gilliam to the NBA and have been a Phoenix Suns fan ever since. Hockey was a trickier proposition. I had no previous link to the sport, other than the fact that I was now going to be a fan. I had to choose my team well. During this process, I read in an SI article that talked about how the Detroit Red Wings were currently in the midst of the longest Stanley Cup draught (27 or 28 years, I believe it was) so there was compelling drama. They were an original six hockey team and they had been the team of Gordie Howe so they had tradition. They had sweet unis, which any of my friends will tell you is extremely important to me. Lastly, they threw octopi on the ice during the playoffs, symbolizing the number of wins required to win the Stanley Cup in the original playoff format. When I realized that I could be a hockey fan AND piss off PETA at the same time, I was sold.

You can see then, why this bitter and disenfranchised Suns fan has had the chance for ultimate redemption during one of the best times in all of pro sports, when basketball and hockey frolic for a rollicking month, and thrust un-reality TV back to the depths from which it sprung. The Red Wings are en route to another Stanley Cup, and the Spurs, the previous gold standard for pro sports, will reluctantly lose their tenuous grip on the unofficial title of "most successful pro franchise".

So, why will the mantle of greatest pro franchise be unceremoniously ripped from the San Antonio Spurs by the Detroit Red Wings? Let's compare the franchises. First, obviously, the most important measure by which any franchise should be considered, number of titles won.

San Antonio: 4 Detroit: 4*

Now, I may jinx my team, and maybe they will suffer one of the biggest collapses in the history of the NHL, but I'm going to call the Stanley Cup in their favor with them up 3-1. I could just wait for them to win to see, but it's much more dramatic to make the call early. Now, we have this raw number, let's judge the quality of these titles. One of San Antonio's titles came in a strike shortened season. Oops, strike one against them. Two of San Antonio's titles came against the Juggernaut known as...The New Jersey Nets?!? Strike two. NBA Finals ratings have tanked when the Spurs are there. Not really a measure of their greatness or not, but rather a measure of America's good taste, but they are boring, so we are going to count that as strike three.

Finals appearances since 94-95

San Antonio: 4 Detroit: 5

Now, you may judge and say "Wait a minute, they made it one more time, but they didn't win." Indeed, but just as the adage says, better to have won and lost, than never to have won before. Yes, that one loss in the Finals came in a strike shortened season, but all of Detroit's wins came in legitimate full length seasons. Advantage, Red Wings.

Conference Finals since 94-95

San Antonio: 7 Detroit: 7

Pretty even statistic here. San Antonio doesn't lose any ground, but doesn't gain any either. I would argue, however, that it is more difficult to win in the NHL playoffs, where the game's name changes to "Goalie" and a hot man between the pipes can knock off even mighty juggernauts.

Seasons with best regular season record since 94-95

San Antonio: 4* Detroit: 5

This statistic is important, because in the discussion of successful pro franchises, win percentage usually gets tossed out there at some point, and the NHL will get the short end of the stick every time because of its point system because games could end in ties until the recent rule changes. It's like trying to compare apples to oranges. The end result, however, cannot be disputed. How many times have these franchises been the standard for regular season excellence. Detroit has done it one time more, but San An gets a dreaded asterisk for sharing the best record with Dallas one year. Oops! To be fair, I should mention that the mighty Red Wings were upset in the first round one year having won the President's Trophy (record for most regular season wins/points) BUT, the difference is, a set back like that would derail lesser franchises for years. Just look at how the Dallas Mavericks have reeled since losing to the Golden State Warriors in the first round. What did Detroit do? Rebound to make a conference final and Stanley Cup final. Much in the way wily job candidates make their negatives positive in job interviews, so do the Red Wings turn a colossal blunder into an example of their unending commitment to winning.

Intangibles

Now, beyond these measures of excellence, what are some of the intangibles that must be considered? All Detroit has done since the 94-95 season is win. Detroit has suffered no losing seasons in that time, and San Antonio has. The last time Detroit didn't qualify for the playoffs was the 85-86 season. In this years Stanley Cup finals, the Wings held the Pens scoreless through the first 2 games, an NHL record. Detroit has continued their winning with 3 different coaches, while San Antonio has had the luxury of one coach. The Red Wings have accomplished what they have in essentially one less season than the Spurs, losing an entire NHL season to a work stoppage. And speaking of the work stoppage, the NHL drastically revamped their rules and implemented a salary cap. The Red Wings have reached a conference final since that time and, presumably, will win the Stanley Cup this year under the new rules.

Final Verdict

You don't watch the NHL. That is a fairly safe assumption given their marginal ratings. In not watching, however, you have missed the most dominant pro franchise since 1994, and their winning is not done yet. So, if you learn nothing more from this little article, know this. If you want to really look like you know sports, and you ever happen upon someone who asks you "So who's the best team in the NHL this year?" Just answer the Red Wings. Season in and season out, you've got a great chance of looking like a genius.

Go Wings!!!

Congratulations on 200 hits!!!!

2008-05-30T16:19:00.001-07:00

We here (and by we, I mean me) at The House of Milo are all about being self-congratulatory. In the spirit of self-congratulation, I'd like to extend a hearty pat on the back to...me. Yup, in only 2 months, I've amassed 200 hits. Do you know what that means? That means, aside from the 50 or so hits I logged myself, not realizing that I was adding to my counter statistics (how stupid was that!?!) I would wager that, I dunno, 20-30 people out there are checking out my little corner of the internet. To those 20-30 people (and I would say that is a fairly inflated estimate) I say thank you, for giving half a care to things that I find interesting. What would somebody think about me if they visited here for the first time?

1) I hate the Spurs almost more that I like the Suns.
2) In another life, I would have chosen to be a reviewer. A reviewer of things.
3) I read cnn.com a lot.
4) My church basketball team went undefeated and won the stake championship
5) I once went to a wax museum and since that day, have used the pictures I took to add a certain panache to my blog

So, to that special Spur hating, review loving, liberal news reading, championship winning, wax museum visiting internet browsing niche that I have been targeting all of my life, I say thank you. You are the reason I slave over this html shrine once every fifth or sixth day for 10-15 minutes. We salute you. And by we, I mean me.

Indiana Jones and the Awkward but Entertaining Finale

2008-05-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

Fourth time may not be the charm, but it's certainly good enough. At least in the case of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the fourth and (hopefully) last of the Indiana Jones Quadrilogy. I say hopefully not because this movie is a disservice. Far from it, in fact. However, like a quadrilogy, it is a bit awkward and disjointed, and all parties involved risk tarnishing the famed archaeologist's reputation if they dip into the tried and true formula one time too many. Speaking of the formula, as I watched the movie, I realized there were certain things that HAD to be there for it to be an Indiana Jones adventure. I have decided to rank these parts against previous efforts, to give fans a sense of what to expect from this movie. Beware some minor spoilers, and one fairly large one about the ending (which in all honesty, would not hurt the watchability of the film in the least in my opinion).

The Antagonist: Red Scare era Russians

1st place: Nazis (Raiders and Last Crusade)

2nd place: Crazy psycho cult (Temple of Doom)

3rd place: Kingdom

Yes, I have to say that I think Spielberg and Lucas were trying to slip something political in on us, and while these Russians are serviceable as baddies, they cannot compare to the iconic Nazis as epic foes, nor can they compete with the menacing members of the crazy cult from Temple of Doom. I was never able to shake the feeling that these Russians were nothing more than "Nazis Lite". Blanchet is a fine actress, but her performance is so far over the top that I heard John Malkovich called her. He wanted his Russian accent back from Rounders.

The premise/artifact: Seeking an alien artifact (The Crystal Skull)

1st place: Ark of the covenant (Raiders)

2nd place: The Holy Grail (Last Crusade)

3rd place: Kingdom

4th place: Whatever it was in Temple of Doom. Someone, please remind me.

I think that with George Lucas' penchant for satisfying his own whims with an occasional disregard for fans left many with bated breath, hoping that he didn't take it too far. I feel fairly certain that few fans will be outraged by this change of pace for the series, and I for one am glad that they took some liberties and went for something different. Even though there are some half-hearted attempts to mask this "mystery", I have little doubt that anyone who has been on vacation to Saturn for the past few months and hasn't caught wind of the extra-terrestrial overtones said to permeate the picture will have caught on about 20 minutes in.

Opening set piece: Indy outsmarts Russians at Area 51 and narrowly escapes a nuclear blast

1st place: Raiding the idol (Raiders)

2nd place: Kingdom

3rd place: River Phoenix and the Train (Last Crusade)

4th place: Jazz club chaos (Temple of Doom)

As perfectly and wonderously choreographed as it was, this opening romp is unable to unseat the perfect opening to the first Indiana Jones movie, with the wonderfully nostalgic rolling slab o' death, hundreds of natives with blow darts, and narrow bi-plane escape where we learn for the first time that Indy hates snakes. Of course, this isn't to Crystal Skull's detriment. It's sort of like saying DaVinci had a hard time topping the Mona Lisa. If anything, the opening to Crystal Skull is so good, the meat of the movie seems a little lacking in comparison.

Indy's Curmudgeonly Sense of Humor

1st place: Last Crusade

Defining moment: Throws german off of Zeppelin, and when bewildered passengers are concerned, Indy counters with "No ticket." Honestly, however, there are too many to name here.

2nd place: Raiders

Defining moment: Boom! Swordsman goes down!

3rd place: Kingdom

Defining moment: I really can't reveal this, it would be a pretty bad spoiler, BUT it involves a snake, and it's pretty clever.

4th place: Temple of Doom

Defining moment: Not sure. Eating monkey brains?

Raiders one moment almost powered it to the top of the rankings, it's so good, so anti-climatic. But for sheer charm (and for the cleverest screenplay as well) it is hard to top Crusade. In contrast, Kingdom feels a bit contrived at times, a bit forced, a bit like, well, it's almost as though all parties involved hadn't done a movie of this type in nearly 20 years. Fancy that. When the charm and chemistry of the characters works, it is great, and don't think for a second that the movie doesn't have a sense of humor, it's just that when something doesn't work, it jars you back to reality, and forces you to think to yourself "That should've been left out." Can't think of too many moments like that in Crusade. I can't think of any moments like that in Crusade.

Nasty creature moment: Millions of angry army ants

1st place: Snakes (Raiders)

2nd place: Army Ants! (Kingdom)

3rd place: Bugs (Temple of Doom)

4th place: Rats (Last Crusade)

While unable to compete with snakes (which are basically the Nazis of the animal kingdom) the army ants in this movie are fierce. There are a couple of moments that ensure that Kingdom earns every inch of its PG-13 rating, and those moments do not disappoint.

Female companion: Marian Ravenwood

1st: Marian Ravenwood (Raiders and Kingdom)

2nd: Two timing German hussey (Last Crusade)

3rd: The future Mrs. Steven Spielberg (Temple of Doom)

In a huge nod to fans, Marian comes back, and in many ways the chemistry shines. If anything, I felt that the relationship could have had more moments, more time to let the relationship develop. Thank heavens for strong female heroines, unlike the Annoying chick hall of fame inductee from Temple of Doom. Sheesh.

Outrageous Action Apocalyptic Climax: (MAJOR SPOILER)

Little green men vaporize Ruskies, annhilate a lost city, and leave no trace

1st: MELTING NAZIS!!! (Raiders)

2nd: Open heart surgery (Temple of Doom)

3rd: The three trials (Last Crusade)

4th: Ze Martians (Kingdom)

So much CGI is out of place in the Indy universe, and as another reviewer put it, Spielberg has done this before, and done it better. Why the appropriate ending would be an amalgamation of The Ark melting Hitler's minions and Close Encounters is beyond me, unless Stevie has a wheel he spins for movie endings, and these two happened to come up again. A bit disappointing.

Final quick hits: I felt Indy was a bit anachronistic in the late 50's, although they manage to recapture most of his magic. Also, bonus points for not trying to play Harrison younger than he is. Ultimately, some moments have a been there done that feel, but when the place you're visiting is a creepy sepulcre with Indiana Jones, you don't mind going back. This movie felt like a little less than the sum of it's parts. While individually scenes were excellent, together as a whole, the flow was off, and the overall package didn't seem quite right. When I take scenes as individual pieces, they work much better. Action ultimately trumps writing and story in this fourth movie, so fans of Indy's wit may be a bit disappointed. There are about 20 minutes towards the middle of the movie that I could have done without. Shia LeBouf doesn't Jar Jar anything, but ultimately I'm not sure how much he added (certainly not as much as Connery in Last Crusade). Strike that, there is ONE Jar Jar moment, and all I'm going to say is Tarzan. You'll know what I mean. In terms of an end for the series, it is awkward that it, and not Last Crusade (especially considering the name!) will be the series' capstone. While parts of it shine, Last Crusade was a more appropriate ride into the sunset.

When all is said and done, if you asked me would you rather have an imperfect but entertaining fourth Indy movie or nothing, I would answer that I'd rather have it, and that's what Spielberg has given us. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull gets three out of four bull whip cracks, and probably takes it's place as about the third best Indy pic, behind Raiders and Crusade, but for the most part ahead of Temple of Doom. Older kids will enjoy, but the intensity is probably too much for the young ones (remember, every last bit of that PG-13 is used to the max). I didn't feel cheated as a full price view, but as a counter point, my wife said that she'd have felt better paying matinee money for this one. Lower your expectations and enjoy. Expect the world and be disappointed.

I See Dead People (With Subtitles)

2008-05-22T21:44:00.000-07:00

(Avast, mateys, minor spoilers ahead

I think that as I do reviews, I may have to sell the sponsorship rights to my dear Mom. This past weekend, with my wife and kids off on an adventure to Utah, my parents invited me out to dinner and a movie. Never one to turn down free food (or almost anything), I graciously accepted. The movie was a rental that I hadn't heard of. "The Orphanage". A horror film. Dead orphans stalking the living? How could we go wrong!

There are things that are scary, and there are things that are terrifying. Scary is someone in a mask wielding a meat cleaver. Terror, however, true mortifying, oppressive horror, goes deeper. It preys on our deepest fears. El Orfanato takes one of the most overlooked yet painful and terrifying scenarios imaginable. The unexplained loss of a child. As a parent, I can personally attest that the scariest eight minutes of my life, was when guests staying with us unloaded their van with our front door open for a good 10 minutes. In the ensuing chaos, no one had noticed that our little 1 and a half year old had wandered outside. After a time, my wife and I both came to the realization that neither of us had seen our youngest in some time. We both assumed the other had put her down for a nap. Ghastly scenarios swirled around my head. As I tore through the rooms in our house and back yard, I wondered if I might fight her having fallen from a high ledge, or face down in our 10 dollar kiddie pool. I will never forget running up our street, crying out frantically her name while barefoot, only to look back over my shoulder to see my wife sobbing with our little girl in her arms. She was playing in the rocks of our neighbor's yard. I have never cried like I did when we found her.

Now that you have no doubt called Child Protective Services, I had better finish this quickly before they come knocking at our door. The Orphanage, Spain's Oscar nominated foreign language film, takes us through this same scenario with a supernatural twist. The central characters in this haunting, frightening, heartbreaking, and ultimately uplifting (!?!) film are Laura and her son Simon. In the early goings of the film, we learn that Laura, an orphan herself, has purchased with her husband the titular orphanage where she grew up, with the intention of creating a special type of home for children where she, her husband, and adopted son Simon will also live. During the closing, however, apparently no one disclosed the dark history of the property, and of course, the obviously gifted and imaginative Simon begins to see and play with special friends. They teach him how to play a special game, where the winner is granted any wish they desire.

To give away much past this would be a disservice to this finely crafted story, but needless to say, Simon disappears mysteriously and without a trace. The rest of the story is Laura's quest to find the truth about her son's disappearance, while simultaneously unearthing her homes dark and guarded secrets. This trite description is as underwhelming as The Orphanage is powerful.

The plausability of the movie rests squarely upon the shoulders of Laura, played with ease by Belen Rueda. A bad note in her performance would bring this melancholy symphony to a grinding halt, yet she deftly undulates between frantic desperation and cautious hope. Her range is amazing as she channels the viewers' worst fears and dread. As anyone will agree by the end of the movie, she is called upon for such a broad range of emotion from beginning to climax, that you half expect her to be panting and breathless by the last frame. The story is an amalgamation of two of my very favorite tales, an oft overlooked novel by Orson Scott Card called Lost Boys, and the standard by which the modern suspense/horror movie is judged, The Sixth Sense. Viewers will no doubt draw comparisons between this and The Sixth Sense, but rest assured, there is more than enough original content here for the material to feel very fresh. Indeed, this is the first movie I have seen since Haley Joel Osmont saw dead people that had such an "Ah ha!" moment, that I almost immediately put it back in for a second viewing. I would not be surprised if others after coming to the conclusion immediately retraced the movie's winding course once again to see if, as M. Night Shamalan did so long ago, the movie followed it's own rules.

The Orphanage is rated R, but after having viewed it (indeed, a very naughty thing) I cannot fathom it's rating. Aside from it's overall opressive and grim atmosphere (and tense moments) viewers will find themselves witness to a very shocking car crash (with brief graphic intensity) but little else along the lines of viseral gore, and one F bomb. Of course, if you have any question, do not see it, and obviously, this is NOT one for the kids.

I give The Orphanage four out of four...orphans? Adoption papers? I dunno, I can't come up with anything good, except for the admonition that you should see this movie.

Juno what I'm saying, holmes???

2008-05-10T08:04:00.000-07:00

The little movie that could. The only Oscar nominated movie that wasn't a nihilistic, violent, and/or depressing bringdown. The breakout role for Ellen Page. Juno is a wonderful little movie, which explores real problems without denying the viewer hope for humanity. Why is it that to be considered art nowadays, a movie has to be a painful exercise? Did you know, for example, that Raiders of the Lost Ark was nominated for best picture? Imagine that, a rollicking rollercoaster ride, well written and impeccably directed, could be nominated for best picture? Do you also remember that Forrest Gump, a touching, funny, and dare I say kind hearted movie actually won best picture? That feat will not soon be repeated in Hollywood, as the standards for quality seem to exclude popular movies from being nominated. Indeed, the nominating process in Hollywood is probably something akin to elitist music snob poseurs in high school fumbling over who discovered which crap indie band first.

Well, let me assure you, the moderate commercial success of Juno is assuredly not the crap indie band of my former analogy. Juno is pure vintage U2. It follows the story of the movie's namesake Juno as she unwittingly becomes pregnant, and in a serendipitous epiphany at an abortion clinic, decides that she will carry the baby full term and find it a great home. Where does one find such a home? Why, the Penny Saver, of course!

We follow Juno as she navigates the worlds of high school, her family, and the prospective parents to be. The interactions are priceless. The world of Juno exists somewhere between the Coen Brother's Fargo and the pseudo Rexburg of Napoleon Dynamite, although these characters are more acutely self aware and, dare I say, smarter than those that exist in either of those other movie created worlds. Indeed, one of the knocks on the movie is that kids don't really talk as smartly as they do in this movie (and as a high school teacher, I can verify this), but my response is, who cares? It is a wonderful little world that has been created here, full of characters that the audience cares about. Ellen Page has been heralded (and rightly so) for her performance, but the cast's ensemble is perfect. There is not a weak performance to be found.

Juno is not a perfect movie, but for a dramedy it strikes just about the perfect balance. Even though I drew a Napoleon comparison, the comedy to drama ratio is about 60/40 (although the wife says she'd peg it as the opposite). This is a relatively family friendly affair, although, to maintain cred with the academy they do drop the obligatory F-bomb, and there are scenes that insinuate sex. For anyone that wants a movie that explores an imperfect world, with imperfect problems, without robbing us of hope for a perfect future, then Juno will fit the bill nicely.

My rating? Three and a half pregnancy tests out of four.

Rated PG-13 for some insinuated nookie content, pandering to Hollywood hipsters with an F-bomb, a little edgy language, and themes regarding human reproduction (it's about teen pregnancy for heaven's sake!)

Suit of Iron, Box Office Gold

2008-05-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

I must preface this review with a story which has very little to do with the review itself. Iron Man, for some time, has been on my summer to do list hovering around the second tier; something that I would like to get around to, but wasn't terribly pressing. Friday rolls around, and as I peruse cnn.com (I check this website more than I think, I suppose), I stumble over two overwhelmingly positive reviews of Iron Man, one from CNN itself, and one from Time. I'm intrigued. I don't subjugate myself to reviews, but not having the unlimited budget of a Roger Ebert to see any and every movie that comes down the pipe, I have to research a bit. I hop over to rottentomatoes.com to find out that their sampling of reviews are 92% positive. This is where it hits me.

The blockbuster season is upon us. I must see Iron Man.

Without having made plans the chances are dim. Enter fate. My mom calls, and asks if we'd like her to watch the kids so we can go see Iron Man. Hmmmmmm. I think about it for .034 of a second. I say yes, and by a serendipitous turn of fate, the wife and I are off on an adventure to see the summer's first blockbuster on opening weekend.

We are living in the golden age of comic book movies. I loves me a good comic book movie, and I loves me a good blockbuster. I love the dramatic, the different, the occasional art house flick, but when all is said and done my friends, nothing trumps the summer blockbuster, but above all, the well done summer blockbuster. The well done summer blockbuster doesn't sacrifice story for sizzle. Its over the top effects complement rather than crush the narrative. Iron Man scores points for doing neither.

While I wish I could be chic and be the dissenting voice I am happy to report that I cannot. Iron Man is another in a line of supremely crafted super hero pictures which puts the character front and center, rather than as an afterthought. Spider-Man 2 explored the human toll such great responsibility can wreak upon someone endowed with such great gifts. Batman Begins chronicled Bruce Wayne's tranformation into the Dark Knight in poignant detail, making his alter ego a conflicted and imperfect hero. The bonds that he forges with Alfred and Lucius Fox as his partners in the fight to take back Gotham strike the perfect tone. Tony Stark, then man behind the iron mask, takes a cue from Bruce Wayne, but runs with it. What makes Robert Downey Jr.'s performance spot on is that, unlike Wayne's attempts to feign being the billionaire playboy, Tony Stark is that billionaire playboy. This movie makes being a super hero fun again. He is flippant and fast fast with the quips. Downey was born for this role. This movie fails with anyone else in this role.

In the first 5 minutes of the movie, Stark is brought to the grim realization that there is heavy price for dealing in arms, and the rest of the movie takes on a bit of gravity with that realization. Somehow, Iron Man stays light on it's feet while dealing with this issue. These undercurrents don't stop the transformation from arms dealer to super powered war machine any less fun. We've gotten so serious with our super heroes, we've almost forgotten how cool it would be to blow up a tank and save a village of refugees. Iron Man strikes the perfect balance, and any comic book fan would be well served by the year's first great box office smash.

Happy Immigration Day!!!!

2008-05-01T16:55:00.000-07:00

I found this article today on CNN's website. I don't necessarily frequent CNN.com because it is the greatest reporting, but it is an easy web address to remember, and it is pretty funny to see what passes for news nowadays. The other week, no kidding, Martha Stewart's dog dying was a top story. But I digress.

Anyways, I like to peruse the op-ed's of CNN correspondents (I have to say, I think they have fairly good representation from a variety of political ideologies. FAIRLY good, not great) and I came across one piece that I found myself mostly agreeing with.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/05/01/navarrette/index.html

For those too lazy to haz clik (click on the link, to my English speaking friends) it basically illustrates where demonstrators go wrong when they are trying to fight for more rights for illegal immigrants.

"I don't buy this argument that there was no racism or acrimony in the immigration debate until the protests started. Get real. Those things have been present in every immigration debate for more than 200 years. Of course, they were going to be part of this one.

That isn't to say that a lot of people don't see red when they see protesters do things like waving the Mexican flag. They do. As tactics go, that's a foolish one: demanding rights of one country while showing allegiance to another. It's bad manners -- and bad civics. "

Thank you! I finally figured out what bothered me about protests and marches for immigrant rights. I have to tell you, I'm a fairly level headed and moderate kind of guy. I lived in Mexico for 2 years for heavens sake! These protests were not supposed to bother me. But they did! And why? Because, gosh, we're in the U.S., and if you want more rights, don't talk about how great the place you came from is, talk about how much you love it here, and how much you'd like more of your people to have that opportunity.

Last time I checked we were a sovereign nation here, governed by the rule of law. I think we're allowed to determine what our policy towards immigration is, and just because we have an immigration policy, that doesn't mean we are racist. It's like we're your older brother to the north. Just because we don't want to let you in our room while we play Xbox and listen to Metallica, don't get mad at us. It's our room, and we decide when to let you in. We still love you though, and if you're cool with us, we'll let you come and play Halo 3 eventually.

It is just a simple fact, we cannot take in everyone. Logistically, it is impossible. But let's get this thing straightened out, let's get more immigrants legal, not with amnesty, but with a way to work towards legal citizenship while incurring some sort of penalty.

Another true story, as a missionary in Tijuana, we taught and baptized a really great guy, but when we came back to invite him to church the next week, his wife let us know that he was gone. We were dumbfounded. Where did he go? Well, he got baptized to help his chances to jump the border. And apparently, we were pretty good missionaries, because it worked. We didn't see him again for a few months. Why do I share this story? If you saw where this family lived, you wouldn't have blamed him one bit for trying to jump. However, I truly believe that jumping the border is not the solution for more than the short term. "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses". Amen. Absolutely. But, as you consider the decision to leave Mexico, the question must be asked, where can you best serve your country. You are needed to fight another fight. The government of Mexico, not the U.S. is the real monster here. I think that one protestor got it right.

"Cesar (a protestor)...blasted the Mexican government for allowing this kind of inequity to occur. That is who the immigrants should be picketing with their marches, he said, instead of wasting their time demanding rights and privileges from the United States. It was time to go home, he said, and fight the battle for fairness, dignity, and economic justice where it might do some good -- on Mexican soil.(quotation added by me) "

(Just for good measure, google Mexico's southern border policy and you might just get some interesting hits.)

I don't know who you are Cesar, or what you're doing. Possibly waving an American flag in a country you love, while figuring out how you can help your fellow countrymen back home in your native land. All I can say, my man, is amen Cesar, amen.

Que dios les bendiga en la lucha de libertad.

Say it loud, say it proud!

2008-05-01T16:40:00.000-07:00

Well, there seems to be a few people visiting my first little foray into the blogosphere each day, or so says that free little counter I threw up here, but if I could trouble you to do so (and I don't know if I'm violating blog etiquette by asking) would you leave me a comment? If you like what I'm saying, or ESPECIALLY if you don't like what is being said, let me know. It is my hope that with a little humor, and a little insight, this could be a place to discuss ideas that people like you and I find interesting. I'm not asking for a novel, but I am writing for an unseen audience, and my only reward is feedback. Define me! Validate me! Make this insecure little only child feel the love.

Or the hate.

Just write something.

Anything.

Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(and thanks to the people who have already left comments, your insights and commentary are appreciated)

The time honored tradition of presidential pandering.

2008-04-30T17:56:00.000-07:00

Pandering is a long and established tradition among political candidates. I am just a little young (thank heavens) to remember, but in a debate with fellow Democrat Gary Hart, Walter Mondale famously countered Hart's continual use of "new ideas" as his slogan with this quote:

"When I hear your new ideas, I'm reminded of that ad, 'Where's the beef?'"

Where's the beef. That's right, Mondale countered with a popular catch phrase from this Wendy's add campaign.

Who can forget Michael Dukakis' famous tank ride to assuage fears that he might not be strong enough militarily:

I don't know about you, but he looked about as comfortable in that tank as Elton John would be at a Scores nightclub. Now, these were some pretty good examples of good old fashioned baby kissing pandering, but this year, our current crop of presidential candidates have really taken it to a new level, as illustrated in this recent bit to promote WWE Monday Night Raw:

Holy mother of pearl! That just takes the cake! Now, I'm all for flag pins, embarrassing catch phrases, brazenly irrational declarations of war against Iran (thanks Hillary!), but I have to say, in 100,000 years, I never thought I would see the candidates, hoping to take the office of the most powerful person in the free world, on WWE Raw. Unbelievable. I'm reminded of the phrase "elitist" being bandied about as though it were a bad thing. Personally, I want my president so many times smarter than me it cannot be measured. I want a president that has been successful in just about everything that they do. I hope that they would have the saavy and business sense to be millionaires many times over. I want a president that has been toughened cultured, and refined.

And with all respect to wrestling fans (I've watched my share to be sure) I'd like my presidential candidate to steer clear from debacles like this, like, well, like Elton John steering clear of Scores.

We are the Champions!!!

2008-04-29T22:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is way too self congratulatory, but allow me this moment, and I'll try not to let it happen too often. Our ward completed a perfect basketball season tonight, beating the extremely tough Goldcrest ward in what was one of our closest games of the season. I'm not going to posture and say that I contributed a ton, but but I will say that our ward was the epitomy of team. It didn't matter who was off, every game someone stepped up to shoulder the load. If anyone from either team reads this, congratulations goes out to (in no order).

Aaron Harris
Adam Warren
Brandon Shepard
Aaron Shepard
Demark Scott
Brent Patterson
Jon Berkabile
Kevin Barney
Matt Boyd
Allen Rasmussen
special contributor Ralph Majewski (if I left anyone off, sorry brethren, errors of men)

A bunch of guys contributed to get us there, and congrats to one and all, this is just a quick shout to those who were there tonight, but everyone who came out helped to get us there. Let's try again next year fellas!

Impress the honies, feed the beast.

2008-04-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

Rochelle and I had one of our best Vegas dates ever last night, and the world should know, because this apparently hidden gem was not far out of Vegas and it made you feel half a world away. We attended the Indie Rock Wars at the MonteLago Village Resort at Lake Las Vegas and had a fabulous time courtesy of local radio station Mix 94.1. We even had VIP passes which meant, if we wanted to, we could sit 15 feet closer to the stage than where we already were. AND we could sit on picnic tables! Viva la Mix!

Our evening started with dinner for two at the Sonrisa Grill, which was warmly decorated with extremely friendly servers. Have you ever had your finicky little requests for your meal fall by the wayside, as servers get about 85 percent of what you wanted correct? By my tally, not one mistake was made.

Accomodated our seating request (check).
Bussboy and waiter were on our table like white on rice, waiting on us hand and foot, NEVER letting drinks or chips run out (check).
And the coup de gras...
Asked for no beans on my wife's dinner, and double beans on mine (check, and checkmate for Rochelle, if you know what I mean. Sorry sweets.)

It was truly amazing, and with a warm and friendly manner to boot, the service was beyond exceptional. Roch ordered a Chimichanga and I had the steak fajitas, and neither dish disappointed. Neither dish was a revolutionary reimagining, but they were done absolutely right. Rochelle was particularly enamored with her selection, and Mexican food isn't even her thing.

After full tummies, we took in the MonteLago village, a Vegas imagining of a Mediterranean Village, with a minimum on the kitschy overblown drama of the strip. Wait, scratch that, this Mediterranean Village did have a Mexican restaurant and an Irish pub, but the atmosphere was so laid back, we completely forgot about how out of place they were. If you're going for shopping, I'd say scrub this one from your list, because obviously, the Forum shops would demolish MonteLago Village in sheer number of shops as well as high end vendors, but here, you're actually outside, and not looking at painted ceilings. Ambience was the thing here, and for a romantic mood, you couldn't beat the lake view. If there are future events at Lake Las Vegas, count me in, as I cannot imagine a better venue to catch a couple of decent bands for a cheap price than the floating stage at Lake Las Vegas. Make a note, though, that bug spray will be your friend, as the skeeters started to come out near dusk, which ultimately led us to pack it in a bit early.

The evening was capped off by performances from a few indie bands, and the most amazing thing of all, Rochelle dug them! The rock scene isn't necessarily her thing, and yet we had a great time. The bands, for a bunch of guys trying to claw their way to contracts, were actually quite good, bordering on impressive. We caught a three song set from local band Left Standing, whose nifty onstage stunts made up for their somewhat predictable (but ultimately enjoyable) rock. We caught a sound test by the band The Speaks, and I could tell that they would have been the band I would have most enjoyed had we been able to stay longer. They had a bit of a harder edge, and they seemed to be a crowd favorite. Look for them to maybe make some noise in the industry(if they aren't already, I'm not the hipster I once pretended to be). We caught a few songs from Gone for Good, and they were also quite impressive. Imagine a Big Bad Voodoo Daddy and Green Day fusion, and you have their sound. Their pink haired guitarist/singer had great stage presence, and any number of their songs would have been right at home on a re-imagined "Swingers" soundtrack. They made me feel like a punk rock lounge lizard.

With the options outside of taking dates to Station Casinos dwindling, it was nice to be outside by the lake, seemingly half a world away from the teeming humanity of Las Vegas, taking in a hidden gem.

(Special aside, these two young ladies were apparently contestants on a secret gameshow called "Guess How Hammered We Are!". They were like the spinning hippies at a Phish show, if those spinning hippies were on ten cans of Red Bull, and doing freak dancing instead. They were the true winners in this battle of the bands.)

One more reason for kids to ditch

2008-04-27T08:25:00.000-07:00

I’d like to report to you something fascinating, devoted readers. My attendance for April 24, 2008. My first class, I had 19 out of 34 students show up. My second class, I had 11 out of 28 students show up, and in my final class of the day, I had 9 out of 26 students show up. When I had so many absences in my first class, I just thought it was an aberration, by my second class, I thought it was some kind of nefarious ditch day I wasn’t aware of. By my final class, I was convinced it was a nefarious ditch day, and come to find out, it was. Just a state sanctioned one.

What I’m talking about, is “Take Your Child to Work Day.”

At my previous school, I didn’t even give heed to the memos that went out, because so few students opted to go to work. Maybe there was a slight bump in absences, but nothing quite like the epidemic that I just experienced today. I want you to think about how hard it is when 3-4 students miss class and then need to be caught up. Now, think about my two classes, where over HALF of my class didn’t show. Can I ask you a question? That was redundant, because I’m going to anyway. Do you really think that all of those kids went with their parents to work? And do you think I’m going to call all of those homes to find out whether they did or not on my own personal time? (hint: the answer to both is no)

I’m sure that this semi-official holiday is well intentioned enough. “Let’s get our future workers/leaders excited about getting into the workplace!” But aside from the 5-10 percent of the youth that I actually trust my future with, do you know what these kids are thinking?

“Hellz yeah! No school!”

I fought a good fight to keep my first class on task, but after I picked my jaw off the floor upon seeing my numbers for my next classes, I was relegated to the dreaded “Make-up day” that teachers loathe (or is that just me?).

Might I suggest, to anyone in a position of influence, that we move this state sanctioned ditch day to a more appropriate date. How about some time between the months of June and August? Of course, this would rob many teachers of the opportunity to take their kids to work, but with the teacher retention crisis that we are facing in America, maybe it would be a good idea for us to avoid scaring our kids away from a career in education that early in their lives anyway.

Bruce Bowen, the face of the Spurs.

2008-04-25T23:06:00.001-07:00

Dr. Stephen R. Covey has said that being "enemy centered" is not effective. Until this series is over with San Antonio, all I can find myself doing is be enemy centered. I hate the Spurs with the burning passion of a thousand supernovas. Tonight, I will direct my ire at Bruce Bowen, the dirtiest player in the league. So, when you hear all of the studio produced fluff pieces during these playoffs about how humble and good hearted those Spurs are, please remember that THIS is the kind of player that they prize.

Classic Bowen (and Horry employed this against the Suns last year), do something below the belt to try to antagonize the other team to react.

Would you want to defend someone who is willing to do this to you? At least he's consistently dirty, not just saving his underhanded tactics for defense.

This one is just amazing. I mean, nothing I can do can augment what you are about to see, other than say that Bruce Lee would be proud.

The following is a perfect textbook example of what I term the "San An Face". Characterized by an egregious foul, and then UTTER SHOCK that the officials would even consider that they did anything wrong.

I didn't buy into the Bowen is dirty school of thought until I saw this potential career ender, where he goes after Amare Stoudemire's achilles. This could have been horrific.

Oh, those crafty Spurs, willing to bite, scratch, claw, and flying tiger jump kick their way to a championship. Good luck!

RIPMYLV

2008-04-24T17:49:00.000-07:00

As Roch and I were driving out of Las Vegas a little while back, on MLK I saw a curious license plate. RIPMYLV. Strange plate. We talked about about what it might mean. She came up with Rest In Peace My Love, which, given the part of town we were driving in, wasn't a longshot. I had a slightly different take, if not a bit more unlikely. RIP My Las Vegas.

There's no way, right? But as we drove south to San Diego and we passed a Scandia, I was reminded of that sentiment. So many people come to Vegas, even pepole who have lived here for years don't remember what it once was like, because, well, they don't know. A lot of you don't remember that we once had our own Scandia. I don't know how many cheap dates I took there, but before the property no doubt became too valuable for its own good, it was a great place to shoot some mini golf with families and gangbangers alike. Alas, Scandia, like so much of old Vegas, is dead.

How long have I lived in Vegas? You know that eyesore, the Huntridge theatre, down on Charleston and Maryland? I actually saw movies there before its second golden age as a music venue. You wouldn't know it from its hauntingly abandoned exterior, but bands, really good bands, used to play there. Nine Inch Nails, t the pinnacle of their popularity, played two surprise shows to open their world tour at the Huntridge for the downward spiral. For sheer brutal sonic intensity, that concert has never been matched in my books. My buddy and i met Ween backstage, and another friend and me narrowly avoided getting fake peed on by the lead singer of Rammstein. Good times. Crazy place. You wouldn't understand why a few people get crazy excited when rumors of this cruddy little movie theatre/music venue reopening ebb in and out every once in a while. That's okay, you probably weren't here.

You didn't know that Ford Service Center down on Lake Mead and Decatur was once a Chucky Cheese, complete with real, animatronic singing rodents. I know there is still Chuck E. Cheese, but its not the same. Wet n' Wild had to be one of the best waterparks in the U.S. before high rises crushed the life from it. Bonzai Bogan, anyone? Der Stuka (which I understand means you're stupid). The pee filled Lazy River. Liquid greatness. And let me tell you, if you have never visited the half dilapidated shopping center on jones and 95, then you have never eaten the best chinese food in las vegas at the Full Ho. Thats the one place that's still around, but let this be a cautionary tale, get there while you can .

As you've seen from these memories, nothing in Vegas lasts forever.

Chime in, Native Vegans, what do you remember? Post your own memories here.

Get ready for a political screwjob!

2008-04-24T17:34:00.000-07:00

This is not as timely as it should have been. I actually wrote this, what, a month ago? Some of it may still have relevence. Some may not. Tell me what you think:

So, recently the political flavor of the week is the fact that neither Hilary nor Barack will achieve the delegate count necessary to get the presidential nomination. Of course, this makes votes from those wacky Michigan and Florida primaries crucial. That also means that somehow, someway, there’s going to be some brokered back room deal that is going to get us the democratic presidential nomination! Yay democracy!

I’m also not one of these huge media watchdogs, but it certainly would seem that rather than passive spectator, at least some media outlets are trying to influence rather than report on these happenings. These examples are pretty subtle, and maybe, just maybe I’m grasping for straws here, but hear me out. The first example comes from time.com:

http://www.time.com/time/politics/article/0,8599,1720264,00.html?xid=site-cnn-partner

Read with me the first paragraph.

It is looking increasingly likely that Democrats in Florida and Michigan are going to have a do-over of their primaries, so that their 366 delegates — who could be enough to tip the nomination one way or the other — can be seated at this summer's Democratic National Convention in Denver.

I suppose that one could surmise that the increasing pressures from these states to have their delegates seated at the democratic convention would warrant such a statement, but it certainly feels like the tone of this paragraph is to get the potential outraged onlooker used to the fact that a re-vote is going to happen, and that we should not only get used to it, but start considering how it might happen. A slightly more overt example can be found here at cnn.com:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/03/07/florida.michigan/index.html

Democrats agree that new voting is needed to determine convention delegates for Florida and Michigan, but they can't figure out how to pay for it.
Now, please, check the link so that you can determine for yourself whether or not I’m taking this out of context, but I have to tell you, this democrat doesn’t agree with that! This is just flat out speculation, being reported as fact, and not only that, it’s further trying to push this “re-vote is a foregone conclusion” angle. What the frick??? I personally applaud Howard Dean (not too often I can utter those words) in sticking to his guns at the peril of alienating Florida and Michigan. The consequences were set out for those states, they ignored those sanctions and went ahead, and as a teacher, I cannot tell you how loathe I am to perpetuate the growing idea that in this country, if you bitch, complain, or litigate enough you will get your way. Great example disgruntled Michegoneons and Floridians!!! I am disgusted with these primaries, but I have to say even taking it a step further, the Democratic nominating process is moronic.
But enough with the complaints, what do I propose that’s better? Well, Mister, I’ll tell you. 10 weeks. That’s what we need. 5 states per week, distributed according to relative electoral weight (although, if we’re at it, the Electoral College is a joke as well). So, we’ll say Texas would be paired with a few smaller states the first week, and California would be paired with a few smaller states, making the relative importance equal week to week. Winner takes ALL, none of this divvying up crap. If someone starts running away with momentum, people drop out, and we’re all happy. Every election year we’ll rotate the states so that New Hampshire ( New Hampshire people! What is even in New Hampshire???) doesn’t dictate the front runner status of candidates every year. This idea of our primaries is reified (second time I’ve used this word in a blog, check out my complaints on the Phoenix Suns being robbed of the NBA championship last year for a definition). We should change what sucks. I mean, once upon a time, people thought that slavery was a pretty good idea, but I think we can all pretty much agree that it wasn’t…

The Sweetest Punishment You'll Ever Recieve

2008-04-23T16:16:00.000-07:00

Can someone explain to me exactly how a suspension is a punishment? At least in today's educational environment, a suspension is practically nothing. I mean, honestly, a suspension is softer than Dirk Nowitzski in the NBA playoffs. It's the educational equivalent of paid vacation. Let's examine:

1) Students get out of school- Kids hate school nowadays. At least, they hate school for all of the pragmatic reasons to attend, such as, I dunno, actually learning something. They love hanging with friends, texting each other during class, listening to iPods during passing periods, and figuring out where to score drugs. I say, let's make them go to double school. Let's hire special teachers that take over after the traditional day. After double school is over, they go home, eat special gruel, go to bed, and WHAM! They're back at school again! Double bonus, their brains hurt so much that they are too lethargic to screw around any more. Triple bonus, they're too busy with school to do what kids usually do on suspension, which is play video games, update their myspace, and text their friends who are still in school and telling them how awesome being suspended is.

2) They get to make up their work- Are you kidding me? They get to make up what they missed? Really? I mean, c'mon, let's think about this seriously. There are only three possible outcomes to this little scenario. a) Students will cheat like mad banshees off of their friends work to get caught up or b) Will spend tons of time after school with their teachers to figure out what to do for what they missed. Here's the problem with this, who does it punish when teachers have to put in extra time to catch kids up? That's right, teachers!!! It sure would be tougher on troublemakers if they actually paid some kind of price for acting up, rather than getting special attention to get caught up because they can't keep their mouth shut or keep their hands off of others.

3) It is a badge of honor - Yup, coming back from suspension is like advancing through the belts in Karate. Once you've heard a student proudly proclaim how they've bounced from high school to high school (along with the run down of each one, and which ones were crackin' or not) you've pretty much lost the battle. There is not much more you can do, except hope for a smooth transition once state corrections officers get involved. Oh, and if a kid has come back from opportunity school, forget it. They are a 7th degree black belt. They may as well run for class president.

So what do I suggest? Well, I don't know exactly, but why exactly are we begging and pleading with students to come who don't want to be there? It's amazing, we are in a system that lets students choose where they want to go once they get kicked out of somewhere. I think a major paradigm shift is in order. Why not just say "Yes, you had a chance for a free education, and you've squandered it. You've had second chances, but now there is nothing left for you. No soup for you!" You can only try to save a drowning man who refuses a life preserver for so long. Would it be so bad to elevate education, to make it a privilege for those who won't waste it, and ruin it for everyone else?

The anatomy of a heart being ripped out...

2008-04-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

In an effort to help others to understand my pain, I offer you, my minute to minute musings regarding what, I'm sure, will be the Suns ultimate loss to the Spurs, in what is sure to be another heart breaking, and gut wrenching loss to that most detestable Texas team.

3:07 3rd quarter Suns 63, Spurs 71: Good, after a comfortable halftime lead for the Suns, the Spurs have managed to gain a nearly 10 point advantage on the Suns. That's okay, knowing the Spurs, I anticipated this. Fortunately, the Suns will have a run of their own to keep it close, ultimately, losing by 1 or 2 points towards the end.

2:23 3rd Suns 67, Spurs 71: I have been distracted by the lead announcer, who on consecutive plays has flubbed the players names, incorrectly calling "Giricec to Duncan" on a PHX possession, and incorrectly calling Borris Diaw as taking a 3 pointer for the Spurs (not sure who it was, but Diaw is a Sun). Apparently, the Spurs were distracted as well, as the Suns are gaining back some of the distance the Spurs put between them. Wait, did he just pronounce Manu's name GIN-NOBLE. Who is this guy? I don't know, but the comic relief is welcome.

1:42 3rd Suns 67, Spurs 71: What should have been a jump ball is a foul on Shaq. Actually, that was a foul on Shaq looking at the replay, but I approve. Anytime that stupidly overrated Ginobili gets tossed like a rag doll, and it only costs O'Neal his 3rd foul in the 3rd quarter, well, that's just a trade off I'm willing to make.

Ooooooooh, it pans to a shot of Horry. I HATE YOU HORRY!!!! Go back to making records with DJ Jazzy Jeff!!!!!!

1:40 3rd Suns 68, Spurs 73. WE WILL WIN!!!!!! SHAQ JUST HIT 2 FOUL SHOTS!!!!!! IT'S A SIGN!!!!!!!

1:20 Suns 69, Spurs 75. Go ahead, foul Shaq like the cowards you are. Gutless, totally and completely. The basketball Gods will not smile favorably upon this completely backhanded (and unfortunately legal) play. How do you foul a guy OFF the ball and get such an advantage.

End of 3rd Suns 72, Spurs 81. This, is NOT going well. Ah, it pans to Parker. I hope Eva cheats on you with

11:05 4th phx 73 sa 86: Why am I so depressed, I knew this was coming, just not how. I thought it would be close, but apparently I was sorely mistaken. And everytime I see Oberto on S.A., I think of Oh Boy! Oberto brand Beef Jerky. If only he were as listless.

I should write a blog about how much I hate the Spurs. Oh, wait...

9:38 73 88: Shaq just missed 2 free throws, so which free throws are the sign?

8:16 76 92: I'm pretty sure the second set of free throws are the sign.

7:38 77, 94: I was going to write earlier "Well, at least the Suns aren't getting slapped around like the Mavs, or the Hawks." Note to reader, we are officially getting slapped around like the Mavs and the Hawks. Oh, and the Wizards, don't forget them.

7:03 81, 94: Nash hits an ABSOLUTELY clutch three. He's good at those. And my wife, who is babysitting next store, has called to distract me. Bless her heart, she's saving me from the bloodbath. Is there a greater invention in the last 10 years than a DVR? 20 years? I'm not sure, I can't think of what it would be.

6:15 81, 94: I wonder what the Suns will be doing this off season? I bet Steve Nash is going to go to tons of indie rock shows. Amare Stoudamire? Probably hang with his entourage. Shaq will eat. Lots. Grant Hill will shoot a follow up to his piano playing ESPN SportsCenter commercial. During this train of thought, I have watched PHX miss about 6 different layups, and the Spurs hit a 3 that was erroniously called as a two. I have GOT to find out who is calling this game, they may make this series bearable for me.

4:01 85, 96: Kurt Thomas just fouled out. Now that the dominating Kurt Thomas is out, the table is set for a Suns comeback! He was the last Spur holding back the oncoming flood. Stoudamire, JUST hit his first field goal of the second half, amazingly cutting it to just 9.

3:16 87, 96: Bruce Bowen continues to treat Steve Nash like his prison cell buddy at the state penn, although for once he's actually called for it. How is this game within 9? Make that 7, Nash hits 2 free throws. 7 points? This is more like it, keep it close before ultimately

WAIT, I can't even update the score, Nash hits ANOTHER clutch shot, to 5. Man, they REALLY want to break my heart on this one. Sometimes a blowout is a little easier to stomach. While there's a break in the action, can I just ask out loud, how come my computer is typing like, 3 commas at a time? That is making this entry extremely difficult.

1:32 93, 99: I'm not saying it's outside the realm of possibility, but this is just painful. Not rotating over on Duncan will not win this game. Nash hits another clutch shot. That boy is full of two things. Emo-tastic attitude, and clutch. That's it. Nothing else. If Phoenix wins this series, I will sport a Steve Nash emo haircut, mark my words...

1:11 93, 101: How in the wide wide world of sports does Shaq end up guarding Tony Parker? Let's travel back in time to find out.

(DVR MAGIC PIXIE DUST)

Ah ha, switch on a screen. Well, that sucks. And Nash missed. Double suck. Well D'antoni, if you have an 8 point play up your sleeve, now is the time.

14.3 96, 101. Well, I'm looking like a prophet. Suns got it close. Just close enough to lose and tear my heart out of my chest. I would really, REALLY like it, if for just once, the Spurs DIDN'T win a close one. Who will I root for if the Suns lose? Hmmmmm, I'll ponder that in the final seconds. Stoudamire hit just his 6th make in 32 tries, according to the guy who keeps missing players. I wonder if that stat is legit? By the way, a visit to TNT.com was fruitless in trying to figure out who this guy is, apparently TNT is a company that ships packages. I digress.

Is D'Antoni going to be back next season? I certainly hope so.

Dude, TNT, stop cutting to commercials while they're trying to sort things out on the court! I want more missed play calls! Don't rob me of this, my last pleasure in this painful endeavor.

13.5 96, 101. Blogging during a game sure makes it last a long time. That would be way better if my team were actually winning. By the way, Bell just fouled (hard) Ginobili on the inbound, and here may be the problem with the Suns. He went to go pick him up, as if to say "Hey, my bad." Raja Bell, there IS NO MY BAD IN THE PLAYOFFS!!! When you knock a guy down, you step on him if you can, and then tell him that he has a ridiculously large nose. Well, the large nose part if it's Manu. Of course, Raja DID clothesline Bryant a couple of years ago, so we'll forgive him this faux pas.

And that's a final, ladies and gentlemen. Late surge aside, the Suns come up a day late, and a dollar short. I'm looking at my heart, still beating, on the floor next to me. To add insult to injury, Tony Parker says something to Eva Longoria in french at the end of his smug post game interview. I hope she has a headache tonight!

My next blog is going to be about the Red Wings, this series is too painful for me.

My new favorite blog

2008-04-21T21:33:00.001-07:00

With all respect to the rest of the interwebs, I have to give the "M. Stephen Hendricks Technical Achievement Award For the Internet Excellence" (a prestigious award, not to be taken lightly) to my friend Jamie Huston. If you want a little bit of everything, from biting (and almost always spot on) political critiques, to entertaining musings, to good eats, this is your one stop interwebs buffet. I have spent the last hour and a half perusing the fledgling blog's archive, and found myself wanting to, in this order 1) eat Greek food 2) lament the fall of Western civilization 3) create a list of my favorite things. Well done, good sir, well done. You may find his blog at:

http://gentlyhewstone.wordpress.com/

Drop him a line, and let him know that The Milo sent you.

Who am I even talking to, no one is reading this thing. Jamie, send ME some traffic...

In the words of the immortal Emmerson, "Tim Duncan sucks."

2008-04-20T20:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I just need to jump into this blog. I've been mulling over how to start this blasted thing for so long, and waiting for just the right topic to write about, that it has been over a month, and still my little corner of the interwebs are barren, dull, and desolate. So, let me start with something I am passionate about.

Tim Duncan sucks, and the San Antonio Spurs can bite me.

There you have it, as eloquently as those damned Spurs deserve. They are a blight on the NBA and humanity in general. They are a foul plague, and the sooner that they are wiped from the face of the Earth, the better. Of course, this virulent hatred merits two questions. The first, why do I hate them so much? And secondly, just how much do I hate them? Well, the first question is easily answered. For the last few seasons, the Spurs have been the thorn in the side of my beloved Phoenix Suns, a team that has singlehandedly saved the NBA from becoming the "National Boring Association". They literally run an offense where they are encouraged to score within seven seconds. They barely worry about defense, and their offensive explosiveness is orchestrated by a maestro in Steve Nash, the first emo point guard in NBA history. Fall Out Boy plays in my head every time I see him drive or make a clutch 3 pointer.

The Spurs are the antithesis of the Suns. They are boring. They bore their opponents to death. They then use their unobtrusive and literally indistinguishable style to get away with cheap shots on defense (Bruce Bowen, I'm looking at you). And THEN, whenever a foul is called on them, they cry like Elliot Spitzer after his press conference announcing he would step down as governor. Their antics are painful to watch. I'm embarrassed for them every time I see the Duncan face. By his count, he has committed exactly three legit fouls during his entire NBA career. Oh, and by the way, they are the most successful pro franchise of the four majors in the last 10 years.

So, now that you know why I hate them (and for that matter, why you should to), but just how much do I hate them? Well, in order to judge this, let me give you a relative scale on my spectrum of hated franchises and teams, 10 being the worst, and 1 being relatively benign.

11. Duke Blue Devils - now, this is cheating a bit, but NO continuum can possibly contain my vitriolic spite towards these dastardly devils. They earned their place for being the impish upstarts to dethrone my beloved UNLV Rebels of '91, forever robbing them of their rightful place as one of the greatest teams of all time (although, let me shamelessly plug the '90 Rebels for thoroughly trouncing the Devils by 30 points in the title game, which STILL stands as an NCAA record). They had NO RIGHT to win that game. As one of my friends so eloquently stated it, if you played that game 100 times, UNLV would have won 95 of them. And yet, somehow, some way, they did it. And that kicked off years and years of dominance.

10. '90's Cowboys - They dogged my Niners in the early 90's, and were led by the coke sniffing Michael Irvin. Romo has sanitized them somewhat, but those memories die hard.

8. Colorado Avalanche - The nemesis of the Red Wings (my favorite NHL team) although this rivalry has diminished somewhat, and in the long run, the Wings have enjoyed much more long term success. You know this to be true, Dave Bateman.

7. Alien 3 - this one is a no brainer. How do you go from James Cameron's opus, his masterwork, back to one Alien on a planet of convicts that nobody cares about? If only (MAJOR SPOILER)

Ripley's faux death at the end of this movie, as she plunges towards lava giving birth to an Alien, were the death of this franchise.

6. The Grinch - Could someone please tell me how you take a book that could be read in 5 minutes, stretch it out to 2 hours, and make not ONE FRICKING LINE IN THE MOVIE RHYME????????? IT'S DR. FLIPPING SEUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Boris Karloff and Chuck Jones owned this movie with their 1966 greatness.

5. 2007 Patriots - 18-1. BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Anaheim Ducks - They got lucky, and hot, RIGHT at the appropriate time (when Hockey's name changes to "Goalie" for the post season) and upset my Wings in the first round. Back then, they were even the Mighty Ducks, which just added insult to injury. They also eliminated the Wings recently in the conference finals.

3. Utah Utes - As a BYU alum, I am required to dislike the Utes, although to their credit they gave my dad a doctorate, and when they are representing the conference, I have been known to (gasp) root for them.

2. Chicago Bulls - They narrowly edge out the Rockets of 1994, just because they beat the Suns when they had their best chance to win the title. Jordan couldn't have let his buddy Barkley get one? They also beat down the Jazz a couple of times, and the Jazz are okay in my book. Hard to see team after team that I liked fall to them.

1. Grizzly Bears - Stephen Colbert says they are a threat against our American way of life, and I will not be the one to contradict him.

And where do these Spurs rank? That's right, that skipped 9 is where, for at least the foreseeable future, Timmy and the Terribles will reside. I hope that this nearly over the hill bunch are done soon, so their lackluster and utterly forgettable "dominance" will become just a footnote in basketball history.

Wow, this was a super crusty first blog! Oh well, Spurs suck!!!